a little bit of nothing and a whole lot of other stuff

Who lost all knowledge of how to juggle a life and work? This girl. I was basically off the grid last week. This work thing is much more time consuming than I remembered. With nine or so hour days and a commute that is over an hour both ways...I am spent when I get home. I look at the clock and cry a little on the inside knowing that I have only about three hours to do shit before I need to go to bed if I want to sleep for 8 hours. And who has slept for 8 hours every night this week? Not this girl. I've been rockin' like 6 or 6.5. Totally unlike me and the cause of my marathon sleep session on Saturday.

I have good news to report though. I am totally digging my job. I know it is temporary and I know that I have only been there a week and a day, but I like it. I tried to enter this work experience with a different attitude and approach than I have ever really taken before...and it is working. I do think I have always been a relatively good employee (see: awesome), but I think this new approach I am taking is making me happier and an even better employee and coworker. So yeah. I like what I am doing. The program is totally awesome and I just know it will make some monumental changes in the lives of others. I'm sad that it is temporary and sort of a band-aid fix for the clients we are working with...but, change doesn't happen overnight and it is often about small victories.

Anyway, in my last post I went on and on about how I didn't do much during work sabbatical. (Yes, I realized it wasn't a sabbatical. It just sounds so much nicer than unemployment.) I feel the need to share the things that I did get to do with my time off that I may not have shared with you...

• Got a library card
• Hung curtains in my room
• Watched the 5th season of Weeds
• Returned to being a brunette after spending four months as a blonde
• Rearranged the furniture in my apartment 3 times
• Finished a photo album I've been working on for at least 3 years
• Learned to fold origami cranes
• Hung pictures on my walls
• Used my sewing machine
• Got a second tattoo
• Sat in the audience for a taping of Oprah
• Watched seasons 1-3 of 30 Rock
• Began painting one nail off
• Went on some bad dates
• Read A Million Little Pieces (and loved it)
• Took a yoga class
• Downloaded a shit ton of music
• Drank a lot of wine
• Visited my dad for over a week...which I haven't done since perhaps middle school
• Ended a friendship
• Went on long walks in the city
• Memorized my library card number
• Hung out with my high school best friend
• Went to a candy convention
• Made almost all my Christmas presents by hand
• Threw up in a cab (it was New Year's Eve...give me that)
• Installed my window air conditioner all by myself
• Met one of my new favorite bloggers for drinks and Mexican food
• Rode on the back of a scooter for the first time
• Realized I don't hate all salad dressings
• Went to Wisconsin
• Helped my mom do flowers for a wedding
• Met Craig Ferguson
• Talked on the phone for hours to my best friend
• Learned who my real friends are
• Bought a plant for my apartment, so I was not the only living thing here
• Ordered spray paint online
• Went to a St. Louis Cardinals game
• Saw Michal Jackson's childhood home
• Got taken care of by my mom
• Made coffee at home
• Started this blog

So, I did a whole bunch of nothing...but, I also did a whole lot of stuff too. I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have to set my alarm in the morning, but I am glad to be where I am right now. I don't think I can ask for much more.

P.S. I have an AMAZING CTA story for you, but you will have to wait a few days. A girl can only write so much when she is trying to get adequate sleep.

ey, ey

I love my friends. And, I love their stories because they definitely add value to my life.

My best friend has been dating her boyfriend for almost six years now. Wow, I just now realized when I typed it that it had been that long. Anyway, as would happen in a six year relationship they have discussed children once or twice. (And by once or twice I am sure the numbers are up there in the hundreds because come on people...it has been almost six years.) Anyway, besides the normal hesitation about children there has been one hurdle she has felt needed to be overcome before ever seriously going down the baby road. And, it isn't marriage or joint home ownership as you may think. Nope. It is....

Captain. Don't be fooled into thinking that it is alcohol she doesn't want to give up. Truth be told, that will be a hurdle in and of itself. Yet, alcohol is not the problem. No, no, my friends...it is Captain. As in a name. As in Captain Edwards...the name her boyfriend has proclaimed will be that of his first born son. Captain. Captain, of what? Life I guess. Captain. That's right. Like the child's name would be, Captain. A name, I don't even know I would use for a dog. Captain.

Good news though. She recently spent a long weekend with her boyfriend at the beach and the topic of children's names came up. When asked what he wanted to name children one day, he responded, "I don't really know. I haven't given it serious thought." Which was a secret victory for my friend and for their future child.

Looks like Captain went out to sea never to be heard from again. We hope, at least, because I am NOT calling any baby Captain.

Back Where I Come From

UPDATED

I write about my love for Chicago often. And, let me tell you...I love this place. I get antsy anywhere I live and I think about leaving. It may be a fight or flight type of thing. I'm not sure. However, I've only ever thought of leaving Chicago for a second. This is because the thought of actually leaving this place makes me more anxious than staying. I want to fight for Chicago, not flee it. It is my home, as if I were a native Chicagoan in a past life.

With this said, I am not from here. Originally, I was born in New Jersey. Don't think Jersey Shores. Or The Sopranos. Nothing like that. It is the Garden State for a reason. I am fiercely loyal to New Jersey and will defend it any day; however, Tennessee holds a place in my heart like no other. I've probably never admitted that before. It's true though. I've spent a combined 13 years in Tennessee...longer than I've ever been in any other state by far. And, while I moved from one border to the other and then back to the center...Tennessee is a home to me just as New Jersey and Chicago are.

And it is what happened in Tennessee this past weekend that breaks my heart. The Nashville area, which is where my mom and two brothers live, was engulfed by flood waters as the city had its highest rainfall totals since records began. People drowned and were washed away. Homes were lost and businesses ruined. Ten to twenty feet of water swallowed up landmarks. The devastation is really inconceivable to me. What is perhaps worse is that it is getting very little attention. It was and still is a catastrophe.

My family was extraordinarily lucky and hardly saw any damage. I am eternally grateful for that fact. With this said, those that were not so lucky are in my heart.

(Pictures via Facebook pages of friends and family and The Tennessean)

Just a few hours later....My mom used to work at a flower shop across the street from this car dealership. It was almost completely swallowed up by the flood. Oh, and as a note...this guy is kayaking on a street that is four lanes wide.

This is the LP Field, where the Tennessee Titans play. It resembles a swimming pool now.

P.S. I definitely listened to Back Where I Come From by Kenny Chesney as I wrote this post despite not being a country music fan. Oh, and then of course I followed it up with Tennessee by Mindy Smith. I cry almost every time.

putting it back together...

My last entry was March 14th and I went silent. It was a picture of umbrellas in the sky and the title was, "When the sky is falling..." This is all information you know. What you don't know is the story and how I needed an umbrella to keep the sky from falling on me. Simultaneously, the sky caved in on me and the ground crumbled beneath my feet. And, I couldn't do anything about it...I was paralyzed by the magnitude of it.

For those of you who have read what I've written before or who know me personally, it probably comes as no surprise. I struggle at times with some intense anxiety and depression. I would give the world to be able to remove it from my being. To sit in a place of serenity and remove clouds of doubt and unrest. I would love to know what it feels like to have no demons to fight or cross to bare. This isn't something I can do though.

I mask my feelings pretty well a majority of the time. I have it down to an art. I know how to fool even those who are professionals at removing the mask. I say I am fine and will laugh it off. This is not to say that I don't know how to be happy and I don't sincerely laugh and enjoy life. I most certainly do....but, when I wear the mask it is difficult to see beyond.

There was no hiding this though. I was shattered and people were finding out. I lost the energy to wear the mask or to pretend. It became piercingly obvious. The self doubting part of myself wanted to believe that no one would take notice or even if they did they wouldn't act. How could they? Why would they? I don't quite know the answer to those questions. What I do know is that they did. They told me I wasn't okay and had to do something about it. They offered to stay with me. They sat on the phone even when I was silent. And, they picked me up. Both figuratively and literally. Despite all efforts to push it away, I was showered with love. It was an outpouring I could never repay or even begin to express the extent to which I am forever grateful. When I was sinking I didn't just have a life preserver thrown to me, but people jumped in after me.

I can't make a false promise and say I am all better and the sky is hung right back where it is suppose to be. It isn't. I have to be honest. The ground is still unstable. But it is getting better every day. What I am learning to accept is that I can not count on some, but there are others who will go to the ends of the earth for me. And, I just have no words for that...a very rare thing.

I'm a story teller. I talk. I write. I love the experience of sharing. I love details and often get wrapped up in them. When I was a little girl, my parents would hurry me along and say, "get to the point," because my stories were inevitably twice as long as they needed to be. I'm not a "point" kind of girl. To me, it is the process of getting there that makes it worth it...not the actual point. I want to draw it out...experience it. I want to take as long as I can getting to the point.

So, while I considered ending this whole process of sharing and writing publicly...I couldn't stop. I am back. Not to write some sad blog about being sad, but to be honest. Share it all. And, that is what you will find here. Good, bad, ugly, weird...all of it. It will be the continuation to my journey.

I give you my story...there will never be any long story short about it...

Wherein the pigeon gets his 15 minutes...

Hi, my name is Emily and I love pigeons.

I know pigeons are not popular things to like. People like to call them all kinds of nasty names, but I call them beautiful. There is something about them that I am just drawn to. Some of them have the most beautiful coloring with iridescent greens, blues, and purples. And, they just have this "I don't give a shit what you think" kind of attitude. They are weird and awkward and under appreciated. And that kids, that is a recipe for making something I love.

I apparently have a style. Let's just get it out of the way right off the bat that my style isn't "good" or anything. Style doesn't mean you are walking a runway. It just means you have things that inherently make sense for you to wear or surround yourself with. There is some common thread. In my case that thread may be weird and tacky, but I am okay with that.

In actuality, I can't describe my style. I wouldn't know how to tell you what really makes something "me." My friends on the other hand, they have my style down pat. They are always saying, "of course you do" in response to me saying, "I love this!" When I buy something, I often hear, "that is very Emily." I'm not sure what this really means, but I kind of love it. My friend (and sister-in-law) says that she has to make herself stop shopping for me when the holidays roll around because she is most in tune with what would make a good "Emily" present.

Anyway, this was all to say that I love pigeons and it seems to me that I am not alone. Pigeons are taking over the internet recently. Everywhere I look, there they are.

Am I teaching myself how to fold an origami pigeon as we speak? Maybe...just maybe.

Love this! (via Origami Bijou)

Best! Thing! Ever! (via Chinnychinchin) I want it! I want it!

Now, let's be real folks. How can you not love the pigeon when you see how responsibly he rides on public transportation?

wisconsin: a far away and exotic land

I had an amazing weekend filled with fun, friends, and indoor swimming. To celebrate the birth of two friends and escape the winter reality of Chicago (their wish not mine), a handful of us headed to what can only be described as an African sister city...that's right...I'm talking about Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin. Yep, we went on a safari to the exotic Kalahari Resort where it is 84 degrees every day of the year. The Midwest's largest indoor waterpark (don't fact check please) was our playground. Lazy river. Yes please. Hot tubs and water slides. Check and check. It was an absolute blast. Oh, and let's not leave out our excursion to the Dells' one and only gay bar to experience some of Wisconsin's finest drag queens. Did they have a lady wearing a dress made out of a curtain (rings attached)? Yes, yes they did. Did they have a queen who was pushing 70? Sure did. Oh, good times kids. Good times.

Oh, one more thing. We spent much of the three hour car ride there and back with our eyes peeled for the elusive Wisconsin Werewolf that my friend assured us existed.

Only problem with the weekend...somehow the massive amounts of chlorine they pump into the air in the waterpark didn't kill whatever was growing in my throat. I am now sick as a dog and have been laid up in the bed for two days. Not happy. The gallons of tea I have been consuming have not been doing anything but keeping me awake and running to the potty. Boo hiss.

square state

So, my bestest bestest friend is in town. We are two wild girls let me tell you. We are sitting in my bed drinking coffee and looking at my google analytics for this blog. I went to the map overlay from the day I started writing until today. Let me tell you I was a little too excited. Cambodia? Thank you for spending 20 minutes here! Sri Lanka? Slovenia? Wow. But, let's talk about you America...


I was looking at the US map and I have to say that I was excited- 45 states. But, why do you not like me: Maine, North Dakota, South Dakota, New Mexico, and square state that is not Colorado? That's right, I said other square state. My friend laughed, but then said she didn't know what state it was. There we sat for a good three minutes trying to figure it out. We are very intelligent I'd like to say, but geography apparently is not our forte.

We eventually figured it out. So, I'm looking at you Wyoming. Start reading. Please.

Thank you.

(P.S. As I read this to her before hitting publish she said, "Wait, is Colorado square?" I hesitated, looked at the map and said, "Yes, of course it is.")

it's not you. it's me.

Dear New York,

I don't even know where to begin. I first want to start by asking you to please understand and not to hate me. It's me. It's not you. You did nothing wrong. We apparently were not meant for one another. What with your high rent, boroughs, hot dog street vendors, frequently used water taxis, and residents such as this guy....I say no thank you. Chicago just swept me off my feet. It came out of nowhere. I didn't plan for this to happen. And again, you did nothing wrong. I think have been moving in different directions for quiet some time now. I don't know what the future holds for us and I am definitely not ruling out the possibility of us being together at some point. But, for now. Right now. Chicago is who I have to be with. Chicago has my heart. I hope you understand. I want the best for you New York.

Much love,
emily

(via StevenBrisson)

It's funny. I spent the majority of my life being completely obsessed with New York City. I wanted nothing more than to live there. I always said, "I won't be happy if I don't live in New York City for at least some part of my life." I just felt this amazing connection with the city. It was a relationship. New York was my first love. But, like most love, you go through transition. About two and a half years ago I moved to Chicago and slowly the city began to take over the real estate that New York used to claim in my heart. I moved here sort of on a whim. I had never been here when I decided to move. I did come for a weekend to see that I really liked it. And, I did. So, here I am. About two years into this adventure and I couldn't be happier. I will always love New York City. It has something magical about it that can not be replicated; however, what I began to realize once I moved here is that perhaps some of my love was just about as city...not necessary The City. That's right New York...you get a capital T and a capital C. You're that important. Anyway, I think it was just that I belonged in a city and that is why New York appealed to me so much. Chicago isn't New York, but it is pretty amazing in and of itself. And when I got here, I learned that it was something much greater than New York...it was my home.

So, today I celebrate what it is that I love about Chicago and that I am one of the millions in this big city:

• Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, Argo Tea, and a plethora of other cafes within walking distance
• BYOB restaurants
• Diversity
• Unlimited selection of take out places
• Public transportation
• Cabs at my doorstep
• Street festivals all summer long
• Never being woken up by a lawn mover, weed wacker, chirping birds, etc.
• Two airports to choose from
• Two baseball teams
• More bars within walking distance than I can count
• Doormen
• Peapod
• Dog walkers
• The Redeye
• Never calling it Willis Tower
• Always giving cardinal directions
• The CTA Christmas Train
  
• Walking
• $12 manicures (and 5 places to get them within a 1/2 block radius)
  
• Hating the suburbs
• Never having to shop at a mall
• $1 burger nights
• Alcohol delivery
• Beer gardens
• The Lake
• Swimming with the skyline in the background
• The winter (for real)
• Hot Dogs
• City themed bars
• Penny rides on New Year's Eve
• Zipcar
• The green river on St. Patrick's Day
• Comedy
• My Chicago friends that have become family
• and much, much more...

friendship

I am extraordinarily blessed to have some amazing people in my life. I had to just edit that sentence and take out my use of the word lucky and substitute it with blessed. I put a lot of stock into the belief that things happen for a reason. I think that we take our own path, but if something is supposed to happen or enter our life...it will find us regardless of the path we take. And, I believe that to be true for friendships. I guess I know this to be true because my own life has been shaped by the friendships in my life. I can't imagine a life without the people I have around me. And as hippy dippy as it may sound, I know they came to me because they were meant to be there. I wouldn't be who I am without them.

I was sent this video by a good friend of mine this morning and it made me cry. It is just the sweetest thing AND I feel like it proves my point.

mission accomplished

So, remember this post about that guy who sent me a facebook message saying he didn't want to see me anymore (the day I was laid off of work)? If so, you probably remember this post about when I drunk text said dude and it resulted in a conversation that resulted in drinks. Well, drinks were had.


I went into this drinking summit with very defined boundaries. Friends. Even though my gut instinct told me that I already had too many friends and did not need to add this dude to the roster. Damn gut. Right?

Anyway, we met up for drinks at my favorite bar in the city. I wanted the home field advantage. This particular bar is small, but not too small. It is in Wrigleyville, but is not like a Wrigley bar. And, it has board games. Love. It.

I arrived five minutes later per the usual. He had already ordered me a drink. We had to stand for a while because it was packed, but I poached a table and we sat down mid drink two. We had a good time. Conversation was easy. We played Master Mind and I was a total fucking mind reading rockstar. He sucked, which gave me more pleasure than it should have. After that, we played Guess Who? and somehow I lost a round...not because he guessed first but because I messed up somewhere along the way. Not even sure how that happens. I think the game is suitable for like two year olds.

So, the good stuff? There wasn't really until the next day. We left the bar and got some pizza after having way too much to drink for having not had dinner. He had paid for all of our drinks despite my protests, but I paid for the pizza just to be clear...this wasn't a date. After pizza he got on the El and I walked home. Mission Friendship accomplished.

Well, it was about as accomplished as the time another (not so friend of mine) declared his "mission" accomplished.

The next day I get this text:

"I feel really bad about this because I like you and I wanted to give this a second try. I just don't feel like the chemistry is right with us. I wish it was...because you're such a great girl."

I don't even know how to fully verbalize what I thought at this point. Now, I never responded to his facebook I don't think we should see each other anymore message. There was nothing to say. This, however, pissed me the fuck off. This was my reply:

"Seriously? I am sort of blown away that you thought this was a second try sort of thing. We went for drinks because you asked if we could and I assumed it was as friends. Had I thought you were hoping it would be more than that I would not have gone. A second chance was never an option even if you thought there was chemistry."

Apparently you can.

more leftovers

Okay, so to pick up where we left off....

Cuddle Gate 2009. Yeah, we had a layover in Pittsburgh for about two hours and the second the train stopped I was out of there. Not that I was in a race to do nothing at the train station...I was just in a race to do nothing at the train station away from my train buddy. Sad thing is that the Pittsburgh train station is about the size of my studio apartment. Well, this is what I had to say about the experience:

The upside is that I believe that passing out on my bosom and remaining alcohol free for a few hours sobered my friend up a little bit. Hopefully he was embarrassed when he woke up in my chest and decided to avoid me as much as I avoided him in the closet they call a train station in Pittsburgh.

The rest of the train trip was uneventful. Long and uneventful. Just like I wanted. I will leave you with the highlights of my trip home because you don't want to read all the details and I don't want to type them:

• I lounged around at my dad's house...a lot, which was basically awesome.
• My dad plays an embarrassing amount of Spider Solitaire on his computer. After a few days I found myself rushing to the computer to play it.
  
• I had a sleep over with my grandparents.
• I went with my grandparents to get them hearing aids.
• My grandmother scolded the hearing aid lady and said, "You really don't need to scream at us." This was once she got the hearing aid in and on. Awesome thing was that the woman was actually talking quietly.
  
• Learned that my grandfather LOVES flipping through the channels on the television NON STOP! This is a little lie because he did stop a few times and once was after about 100 channels. He stopped...on the Terminator...in Spanish. My grandfather doesn't speak a lick of Spanish. He may be thinking of learning though. Watching Spanish television may be his way of immersing himself in the language.
  
• My brother and sister-in-law came the day before Thanksgiving.
• Baked a kick ass pumpkin cheesecake
  
• Ate and drank too much on Thanksgiving
  
• May have gotten slightly drunk, but was overshadowed by my uncle who definitely got drunk.
  
• Played LCR and now I want a set of LCR dice so bad
  
• Got no pity during LCR when I proclaimed, "Remember, I have no job. I need money."
• Went to the beach. Yes, the Jersey Shore, but without the spiked hair and spray tans.
  
• Had some great talks with my dad.
• Played about ten rounds of Catch Phrase with my family. Young People vs. Old People.
  
• Young People kicked ass.
• Laughed my ass off when my cousin Keirsten was trying to get us to guess "Detroit Tigers," and gave the clue, "capitol of Michigan." (She is a high school teacher.)
• Oh, and when she was trying to get us to guess tiger she yelled, "God dammit another cat name!" after we guess, "Lion, jaguar, panther..."
• Threw up in my mouth watching zit porn. (Be. Warned.)
  
• Enjoyed a relatively boring train trip home and no one tried to molest me.
  
• I did have to listen to a crazy man who didn't pick up on social queues of when to stop talking to strangers. He went as far as to tell this 80 year old woman that he loved her and was so happy they met. He gave her a hug and over his shoulders she rolled her eyes at me.
  
• She became my hero.
• Developed a disdain for Pittsburgh after my four hour lay over there.
  
• Found out that the entire "city" of Pittsburgh shuts down at 9pm.
• Took a cab home and was reminded why I love Chicago as we drove down Lake Shore Drive during the sunrise.
  
• Realized that New Jersey will forever hold a special place in my heart and I will always love it, but Chicago is my soul mate.

I had an awesome weekend. I decided to forgo the Halloween public debauchery this year and had a spooky sleep over with my boys. We watched scary movies, ate pizza, drank wine, and did a little yelling at the TV. I was a total scary movie virgin, so they took the liberty of popping my horror flick cherry. Too much? Never.

We watch three scary movies back to back. I rather enjoyed myself minus the bad dreams I had that night. I kept waking up expecting to see that Freddy had slashed my PJ's or something. Good news is that that never happened.


The next day we got coffee, walked around, and then grabbed lunch. We capped the day off with a two or three hour discussion about the future of our world. In the end we decided we needed to move close to the border of Canada just in case shit starts to go down in America. It's basically a flawless plan.

I leave you with the funniest quote of the weekend. (Knowing that I don't work is key to getting the funny.)

Alex: I love lazy Sundays.

Me: Me too...oh wait....

Everyone turned around and glared at me. They act like I make them work.

I came across this a few days ago and couldn't put it out of my mind. Sometimes the most simple of signs are the ones we need to see the most. And, when we need to see them, they make an impact.

This whole unemployment thing that I've been doing for the past couple of months has been an interesting journey. It is odd. I have almost forgotten what it is like to actually get up for work and have a daily responsibility. My weeks generally revolve around two or three different commitments. After that, the rest is up to me. Regrettably, I have not been making the most of that time. I will say that I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. Extremely. Hard. In the past couple of weeks I have been struggling with my purpose. I put a lot of stock in my purpose in life...the footprints I leave in this world. I've begun to fear that no matter how hard I walk right now...those footprints are non-existent. It's one of my biggest fears.

I will admittedly share that I am not really looking for a job, which makes it a little difficult given that I put a lot of emphasis on my career to give my life purpose. The fact that I am not even looking is much to the chagrin of some of my closest friends and some family members. There is a reason for my decision though. In addition to putting stock in leading a purpose driven life...I put an equal amount in happiness. I fear that I won't find happiness if I just seek out any random job that will hire me. I want to find it within. What better way to do that then to have all the time in the world to discover it?

You see, if I were a betting woman I would say that all my chips get evenly split between purpose and happiness. I just truly believe that when you do that...all in...the returns are tenfold.

For those who are concerned, I do have a plan. I'm working with two great friends on a start-up company, which I am over the moon excited about. I really do believe that it will be a great thing and afford all of us some amazing opportunities to be happy, creative, playful, energetic, free, expressive...

So, in the mean time, I wait. I've had big plans to do this "Month of Emily" thing. I've wanted to focus on discovering happiness, taking care of me, and doing good things for myself. For some reason, it just seems to get fucked up on day two (okay maybe one) every time I try. It is just that in this time I have a lot of varying emotions: excitement for what may be, anxiety for what currently is, paralysis from fear, and a host of others. They seem to get in my way.

Perhaps the trick is simply saying it out loud (or as out loud as the blog allows). Today, is day one of the "Month of Emily." I will work on making sure I don't hold back on any of my proverbial chips and place them all in happiness and purpose. Holding back gets you in trouble.

As simple as that sign is, it was just what I needed to see. Everything is going to be amazing. I don't need to worry. All I need to do is play my part in making it a reality.

i don't like it...

So, I feel like we are in need of some nonsense around here. Those last posts seemed really heavy. I leave you with this:

I wrote a post (#2: Jump Right in...) a while back about the guy who asked me to be his girlfriend on the second date. He was not the best catch I even caught. No relationship should begin with you wondering if your new partner roofied you or not. Sadly, this one did.

What I failed to discuss in that post about him was how things actually ended. Amazing. It's about the only word that I have for it.

We went downtown to see the fireworks for the 4th of July. More accurately, we went to the lake. I grew up by the ocean and always watched the fire works from the beach. It seems ludicrous to watch them anywhere but by the water. Anyway, we watched the fire works and drank Captain and Diet Dr. Pepper out of Nalgene bottles. (side note: I do not like Diet Dr. Pepper. Despite what the commercials will tell you, it tastes nothing like regular Dr. Pepper or any dessert I've ever tried. I did not choose to pollute Captain with Diet Dr. Pepper. The guy for whom I was about to end things with did. He said, "I know what my Baby likes." Never could a statement be less true...I was not his Baby nor did he know what I liked.) So, yes, fireworks and alcohol in Nalgene bottles. I ended up drinking a lot. A lot. He tried to talk about meeting my family. I tried to drink as much as I could.

We went back to his place after the fireworks. The fireworks were over...in more way than one. He ended up passing out and I was left laying next to him. I am not sure whether it was all the Captain Morgan or the artificial sweetener, but I was in a mood. I immediately began crying. Yep, laying in bed next to passed out dude...crying. I managed to get up, grab my phone, and make my way onto the balcony. I promptly called my dear friend and said, "Molli, I don't like it." She tried to ask clarifying questions, but apparently all I could do was repeat, "I don't like it." Awesome. I there I sat in a tank top and panties on the balcony of some dude's apartment crying on the phone. Because she is an awesome friend she said, "Get up now. Grab your stuff and cab over here. I am at a party. You need to get out of there." I explained that I had no money and because she is amazing she said, "I will pay the cab driver when you get here. You just need to get out of there." Brilliant idea. Seriously, it was some amazing advice.

I didn't want to be totally rude. After all, I was up and leaving him in the middle of the night. Leaving a note was the least I could do. One problem. The boy had no paper in his apartment. Literally, no paper anywhere. I looked. Really hard. I just couldn't not leave a note though, so I did what any reasonable person would do. I tore off a piece of the Dr. Pepper fridge pack and wrote, "I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I had to leave."

That's right boys and girls. I ended things with a note on a torn off piece of a Dr. Pepper fridge pack.

(If you are totally horrified, it might be good to note that I did end up talking to him later and properly ended things. Those details are just not as interesting. Hopefully I've renewed some faith you had in me.)

...pants on fire

I would like to say, "I never lie." However, saying that would in and of itself be a lie. That's right, I lie, so do you. And according to a researcher at the University of Massachusetts, whose report has sat as an open tab in my browser for far too long waiting for me to write this post, a reported "60 percent of people lie at least once during a 10-minute conversation and tell an average of two to three lies." If you do the math for a whole day...it's a lot of lies being told.

The study speaks about the differing content of the lies of women versus men. One being to make another feel good and the other being to make the liar look better. The study found "women were more likely to lie to make the person they were talking to feel good." I get this and think that it has been the motivation for a great number of the lies I've told in the past, "I love it!" or "You were the best I've ever had," etc. But, I think that is only half of the truth. Women lie all the time to make themselves look better. (see: makeup, fake eyelashes, hairspray, Spanx, push-up bras, etc.) If you ask a woman how much she weighs (note: DO NOT EVER DO THIS), I have my money on the fact that she will lie.

We all have our own motivations for being dishonest, but I began to think back at some of my most notorious lies. Now, I am not a huge liar. I think honesty is the best policy and I have a very guilty conscience. If I lie, I quite often come back and tell on myself. But, I do have one lie that I told that still makes me giggle to this day. The ridiculousness of it is outstanding. And, it was all told in the vain of looking better.


My family moves. A lot. Or, moved. A lot. Growing up I went to eight different schools before I graduated from high school. My parents had this extraordinary knack for finding the least opportune time to uproot our lives. It was usually just as I was getting used to our latest destination. Seventh grade, which is also known as the worst grade ever. Everyone in seventh grade is ugly and awkward. It is this pit of hormones and puberty and none of it is pretty. We moved in October during my seventh grade year. Everyone was settled into their school routine and cliques already were formed. Then, I bust up on the scene. Let's just say I wasn't Ms. Popularity when I arrived. The kids in the upper class community in Memphis, Tennessee were very different than the kids I went to school with in South Florida. They were very different than me. Or, I was different than them...whatever. Anyway, I made one really good friend- April. April lived just down the street from me and we had a lot in common. We began to talk on the phone and hang out. We'd go on walks in the neighborhood and trespass on the golf course that backed up to our subdivision. She was a welcome distraction from my normal activities of going home and crying and complaining to my mom about how I hated Memphis and wanted to move back to Florida. There was one very big difference between April and I. She smoked. I didn't. Enter: My Lying.

I cooked up all kinds of excuses for why I couldn't smoke with her in my head, but when it came down to that moment where she offered me a smoke all rational lies flew out the window. I panicked. I was like a deer in the headlights. Paralyzed. I blurted out, "I used to smoke, but I quit. I don't want to start back up." What? I love the image of me being some hard core smoker in fifth grade and having to kick the habit and go on the patch. She responded, "Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I should quit some time." Wait, she bought it? Or did she? Were we both staring at each other lying our faces off knowing that the other one was just as much a liar as we were? Was our attempt to save face so desperate that we would tell and accept any lie? Apparently, yes.

This lie went on for well over a year, basically until our friendship started to fade and she started taking prescription pills for fun. She was well ahead of me. It would be years before I did this.

Anyway, it makes me laugh because I wonder what would have happened if my seventh grade self had just looked her in the eye and said, "No, I don't really have any desire to smoke." Life would have probably been easier. You see, if I had the courage to say that to my one friend, I probably would have had more than one friend. If I had the attitude of "take me or fucking leave me," I probably would have surprised myself how many people would chose not to walk away. They (whoever "they" are) say that nothing is more attractive than confidence. That could be a lie, but I buy it.

While I have more confidence than that seventh grade girl I once was, I still think we can all learn a lesson from her and her mistakes.

What would happen if we stopped looking for acceptance in lies? How would our lives change if we always told the truth...no matter what? Is honesty always the best policy?

This made my day.

This little nugget...

...was awarded to me by one of my favorites, Amanda at A Silvertongued Serenade.

When I started my blog I wasn't sure if anyone would read it or if I even wanted anyone to read it. It took about a month before I even told most of my friends I had a blog. And, if you know me personally, you know I keep very little private. But, as I gained readership and began receiving comments I can't tell you how special it has made me feel. To know that other people appreciate what I write is beyond what I can express in words.

Thanks!

Collections

I was recently at a friend's house and he went into the other room, leaving me alone for a second to look around. Everything was neatly in its place. Everything was practical. His place is not empty by any means, it is comfortable and warm and very nicely styled. There are awesome little works of art on his walls. A sentimental photo or two. But, it was all very minimal. Clean.

I look around my room as I type this and am almost embarrassed to list out some of the things in my direct line of sight (a stuffed gall bladder, a wooden letter E, a Zack Morris phone, a snow globe of NYC, an Eiffel Tower, a Chilean three legged good luck pig). My room is by no means minimal. I have weird gadgets and whatnot. I'm like the Ariel (The Little Mermaid) of the studio apartment world. I have "treasures" all over my place. I am a collector. A collector of all things.

I know that the timing of this post doesn't hep the whole "I am not a hoarder" argument, as it comes dangerously on the heels of the In My Bed post. But really, I am not a hoarder. I just collect things, which I get is probably the same argument they use. But really, I'm not. Hoarder I am not. Collector I am.

This practice I have of collecting is not discriminatory. No, no, my friend. I don't just collect items in my apartment. I also collect friends and exes and a whole host of other things as well.

I guess this whole topic also comes up because I was having dinner with a friend tonight and we were discussing how to end relationships that are toxic. It's hard. I think I have shared quite a bit about my view on friendships, dating relationships, etc. I know you may have gotten a skewed version of me if you simply read about my bad dating experiences and how I walked away from those so easily. Don't be fooled though. I put my heart into stuff. I will give all of my soul to fix and mend things...even when it isn't mine to mend...meaning that I have many times in the past taken on fixing the wrong doings of others and have taken on some of the responsibility and burden that comes with "breaking" things. I collect the relationship in my heart. The person. I don't know how to let it go sometimes.

I'm doing much better at purging the bad stuff in my life than I used to. I guess you could say that I am becoming more selective on what it is that I collect and place sentimental value on. When something becomes toxic in your life, it is okay to walk away from it. This is a lesson I've learned with time. With lots of time. Walking away doesn't mean that the thing or the relationship or the person didn't have value at one time. That it wasn't the best thing for you...at one time. But, time moves on and things change. Things evolve. Short of Alzheimer's or serious head trauma, memory of relationships or treasured possessions can't be taken away. I've had relationships that meant so much to me, but what I've learned or had to learn was that ending them is sometimes the best and healthiest thing. Cutting ties doesn't mean that at one point in time they weren't important. They just can't live on and hold the same value for all time. Things change. Not having them in my life anymore doesn't cheapen the past. It doesn't make it disappear. It will hold a special place forever in my history, but it needs to live there...in my past.

I know this is a little all over the place, but I guess the point is to say that as I've come to realize with relationships the same can hold true for personal possessions as well. I can purge belongings from my life and not strip them of their one time importance.

So, I'm not suddenly going to become completely minimalistic. I'm not going to have a closet that will ever just have clothes, shoes, and maybe a box or two. I will always have stuff under my bed and knick knacky stuff on my shelves, but perhaps I will move forward with caution about what I choose to keep. Perhaps I will purge a little. Perhaps I will realize I don't need to hang on to that t-shirt from the company softball team from a company I don't even work for anymore. Perhaps I will realize that while I loved trolls as a kid, I don't need my entire collection as an adult. (don't tell my mom that though because it lives at her house and I am not quite there yet....this is all hypothetical)

I guess I just got to thinking after looking at my friends apartment and talking over dinner tonight:

If I make room by getting rid of some of the collections I don't really need to hold on to except in memory, what good things will I be making room for in my life?


And, just because I know you are wondering...below is a picture of my amazing stuffed gall bladder. It was a gift from a dear friend who knows that I needed one given that my original gall bladder was surgically removed.

rain, rain, go away?

I just go off of the phone with Rebecca. While we were on the phone she asked, "Is it raining there as much as it has been here? I feel like it hasn't stopped for a month."

I responded, "No. It hasn't been raining that much." I then paused and said, "Well, I don't really go outside everyday, so I could totally be making that up."

Note to self: go outside or open blinds at least once a day.

i'm not gonna make it in today

Sometimes when I get really bored I make up lists. It is a strange practice, I know. I'll give you an example: one day I had a terrible day at work and the train was overly crowded and I was generally in a funk...I made a choice to turn that funk around by making up a list of things I hate. I know that it seems odd, but as I wrote about hating when people take up two seats on the train, stubbing my toe, doing dishes by hand, people who pronounce really common words incorrectly, porta-potties, people who say they aren't hungry anymore after finding a hair in their food, etc....I started to feel better. You see, I just started laughing at all these things that got me fired up and I was suddenly in a better mood.

Well, when I was working I would frequently find myself with too much time on my hands. I prefer to be very busy at work because the stillness becomes mind numbing. I would often pass the time sending emails and surfing the internet. One day I was dreaming of being at home, so I decided to start a list of reasons one would give for not going to work. I decided to also include reasons for being late. And, I have to credit my friends because this list was emailed around and added to throughout the day.



So, next time you can't quite make it in to work...feel free to take one from the vault:

1. Throwing up
2. Migraine
3. Fever
4. Power went out
5. No hot water
6. Roommate went to the hospital
7. Dog threw up (won't stop)
8. "Not feeling well"
9. Family member ill
10. Insomnia the night before
11. Basement flooded
12. Car won't start (wouldn't work for me)
13. Dog ran away
14. Cat ran away
15. Friend had a baby
16. Stomach pains
17. up all night coughing
18. Toilet overflowing and have to wait for a plumber
19. Gas leak at house
20. "Personal emergency"
21. Stomach flu
22. Cramps/ heavy flow
23. Not safe to leave the house
24. Stalker
25. Car vandalized
26. Car accident
27. in jail
28. Abducted by aliens
29. Held for ransom
30. Lost
31. Hung over
32. Don’t feel like working
33. Doctor's appointment
34. Abortion
35. Food poisoning
36. Protesting
37. Panic attack
38. Religious holiday
39. Dizzy
40. Passed out in the shower
41. "Not feelin' it"
42. Diarrhea
43: parents surprised me with coming in town
44: pet died
45: dumped the night before
46: updating my resume
47: job interview
48: I might have swine flu
49. Sprained my ankle
50. I have other plans

P.S. 90% of these are a joke, but some asshole on the internet decided to write an article about how to properly call out...weird.

oh, i'm jumping on that bandwagon

so, i recently started this whole blog thing. one may not know it based off of the excessive number of posts i've made in the past few days; however, if one were truly following the blog one would know that i am unemployed and have more time than the average person on my hands.

anyway, i stumbled across a jewel of a blog today: The Rest is Still Unwritten. seriously, this dude is amazing. besides the fact that he is an amazingly raw, real, and emotional writer...he is super cute. but really, you don't even need to see his picture to love this guy. the way he writes and the things he says make you (or at least me anyway) want to be loved by him. perhaps i am crazy. all i'm sayin' is just read his blog before you judge.

he wrote this post where he shared 101 things about him. it was chock full of random facts about him...stuff most people wouldn't know. now, if you know me really well, you know that i have a book on my coffee table that is basically this same principle, "Dailey Dose of Emily." (P.S. the first entry is that i can not spell...i know that daily was misspelled.) but, i was inspired to write more. or to try to at least. perhaps there will be some repetition, but just as my new blog crush i will attempt to be completely honest...rolling funny, sad, shocking, scary, silly, and the like all into one.

1. i was voted Best Personality in high school, but i am afraid to go to my reunion because i don't think anyone will remember me. the truth is that i only really won because so many people got nominated that i was the one with the majority...it wasn't overwhelming though.

2. i have in irrational fear of peeing my pants. when a bathroom is not immediately accessible i suddenly have an overwhelming urge to pee. (for the record i have not peed myself in over two decades)

3. i remember the night we moved out of the house we shared with my dad. my mom's friend's yelled at me for having so much shit under my bed. really? was that the appropriate thing to do to a young kid who really didn't know they were moving?

4. i wanted a SkipIt so bad in third grade. all the cool girls had them on the playground.

5. i never got one.

6. i one upped them and got a boyfriend.

7. i get ridiculously excited about buying new panties and have spent more money at victoria's secret than i should admit to.

8. my mom didn't know that my new year's resolution in high school to "stop falling asleep on the bathroom floor" had nothing to do with me working late hours and everything to do with me smoking pot.

9. my brother, cousins, and i made up this story about a dead dog that was kept under the bed at my grandmother's house. we use to try to get my youngest cousin (who wasn't in on secret) to stick her hand down the side of the bed to touch it. we laughed when she wouldn't and started crying.

10. i've never cheated on someone.

11. i've been cheated on more times than i would like to think about.

12. i wonder if it is me or that i have terrible taste in guys.

13. i always won the sit and reach competition in school.

14. i secretly wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom.

15. my dad has told both my brother and i at one point that we were adopted. he probably kept the joke alive longer than necessary- neither of us really are adopted.

16. i am really good at fake crying.

17. i've always said that i would marry a guy if he bought me breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream.

18. i go so far out of my way to make my partner happy that i probably turn them away.

19. my parents have told me that when i was a kid and we would eat at this one particular restaurant all i would order and eat was cole slaw

20. i have memories of cheating on a spelling test in first grade.

21. i memorized the homeless people on my route home from work and would get worried when i didn't see them...i was afraid something happened to them.

22. i went to europe for five weeks in college. i got really homesick even though i was with by brother and his best friend. and i did go to school anywhere near "home," so it didn't really make sense.

23. i've never ridden a horse.

24. i loaned an ex-boyfriend $500 to pay for his DUI lawyer because he couldn't stop drinking and save money. he never fully paid me back. surprise.

25. my heart melts when guys kiss me on my forehead.

26. i talked to my dog alfie as if he were going to respond.

27. i drank about a bottle and a half of vodka when we put him to sleep.

28. i still miss him.

29. when i see a large grassy hill or field i have this overwhelming urge to take off running toward it.

30. i giggle if someone farts in the stall next to me.

31. if i see something in a store that i like...i touch it.

32. i miss my brothers more than they know.

33. college was the first school i went to for more three years.

34. i got a tattoo with my best friend because we were eating breakfast and couldn't think of anything else to do that day.

35. i never throw away the fortunes from fortune cookies. i think it is bad luck.

36. i've spent the entire day in a towel watching tv because i was too lazy to put on clothes after a shower.

37. on two occasions i called in sick to work saying that the dog was throwing up...the dog was not throwing up.

38. i have no gall bladder, well, except for the stuffed one my friend bought me.

39. my heart still beats fast when i watch My So Called Life and Jordan Catalano grabs Angela's hand in the hallway so that everyone can see.

40. i once told a doctor i was 16 after he asked my age. i was 18. i don't even know why i said it.

41. it still makes me happy when Rerun jumps on the back of the truck at the end of the credits for What's Happening!!

42. i recognize it would make more sense for the punctuation after What's Happening to be a question mark, but the show uses two exclamation points.

43. i think i started experiencing major depression in high school. my parent's thought i was just being overly dramatic and perhaps i did too. all i know is that i couldn't make it stop.

44. my parents never talked about God at home, so i become really uncomfortable talking about him with other people. i just don't know if i think it is one of those things you should talk about or just let it be private.

45. out of stubbornness i peed in a trashcan because my older brother wouldn't get off of the toilet. i could have used another bathroom. (i was probably 7 years old for the record)

46. i bite the inside of my cheek when i am nervous.

47. after my first kiss the boy tried to do much more. he didn't care that i said no.

48. i have more pillows on my bed than any one person needs.

49. i really only use two to sleep with. i like the rest there to make the bed feel more full.

50. i started skiing when i was four years old.

51. i sometimes felt hypocritical working at a domestic violence shelter when i continued to ignore what happened in my own family.

52. i become more passionate talking about domestic violence than probably anything else i ever talk about.

53. i worry more than i let on that no one really loves me.

54. i moved to nashville because a boy broke my heart.

55. i told a boy i was dating he was gay...because he was. he cried and said he was scared. i held his hand.

56. he is my friend today, but i probably still love him.

57. i can drink most guys under the table.

58. i never turn down a free shot.

59. i started wearing a bra before any of the other girls in my class. i was really embarrassed about having boobs and didn't want anyone to know.

60. i still sometimes think my boobs are overwhelming.

61. i secretly find it sexy when guys smoke.

62. some of my most fond memories of my mom are from when she was sick and i would crawl in bed with her. i felt like she really needed and wanted me there.

63. some days i can't get out of bed. i would like to...i just don't know how.

64. i never told anyone how abandoned i felt after they said they would be there for me...and weren't. it was as if everyone left me alone at that doctor's office.

65. i feel much safer on a plane when the flight attendants are walking around. when i was younger and afraid to fly. i would push the attendant call button just to make them get up and walk over to me. i knew that if we were crashing they wouldn't do that.

66. i am almost always running low on or out of toilet paper.

67. i don't know how to whistle or snap my fingers.

68. i didn't dissect animals in middle school because the "cool" girls weren't doing it. i wasn't really all that grossed out.

69. i want to be swept off my feet by someone who loves me in a hoodie and yoga pants.

70. i give a pretty good back massage.

71. i know i really like someone if i'm not nervous to be naked in front of them.

72. i use to write fake diary entries when i was little because my stepsister wanted to read what i wrote.

73. i started watching soap operas when i was nine. i got hooked because my grandfather watched them. whenever we would see each other we would talk about the latest love triangles.

74. i've never had anyone really close to me die. i am terrified for it to happen.

75. i have a box labeled "stuff only i care about." it couldn't be more true.

76. i had a troll collection when i was a kid. it is rather embarrassing how large it was.

77. what is even more embarrassing is that i can't bring myself to get rid of any of them.

78. i've never stolen anything, well that i can remember.

79. i regularly wonder if my friends really like me because i have a hard time liking myself some times.

80. my hair gets really messy when i sleep and i call it chicken hair. my family has adopted the phrase and we use it as if it is a real word.

81. i always felt like i was compared to my older brother growing up and that i could never be as good as he was. i spent a lot of time trying to be like him but never feeling like i measured up. what i am now realizing is that there was no "as good as" because we are just different people...you can't measure us like that.

82. i am excited to move into an assisted living community one day. i can't wait to just hang out with my friends and do nothing.

83. i think breakfast for dinner is a cop out and when i have a family of my own i will not make them eat it.

84. there is nothing sexier than waking up in the middle of the night next to someone and continuing as if you never went to sleep.

85. the thought of living in the suburbs now scares me.

86. when i'm in a relationship, i never do the whole "i've got a headache" thing.

87. my mom, brother, and i lived in a trailer park for a few months after my parents separated.

88. i don't usually know how to back down in a argument.

89. i had two imaginary friends growing up.

90. peppy party was the main one.

91. amy was the other. she was my sister. she lived in florida, but was dead because she smoked cigarettes.

92. i obviously had an overactive imagination when i was younger.

93. i convinced by older brother to flood our upstairs bathroom with me when i was about four or five. i have no idea why i was doing it...or why he went along.

94. my mom says she had trouble yelling at me when i was a kid because i would just laugh and she couldn't keep a straight face.

95. i don't really sound like an adult on the phone.

96. although i am extremely indecisive, when i make a decision i firmly believe in it and rarely ever waiver.

97. watching the videos from when my little brother was on tour with his band make me realize he is probably cooler than me.

98. i don't always wash my hands in a public restroom. for some reason, i think it makes them dirtier. for that reason i try to always carry hand sanitizer.

99. i think pigeons are beautiful.

100. when i hold hands with someone i want my hand to be on the bottom.

101. there are people out there that probably don't know it, but they saved my life.