in which i tell you a story about how technology hates me...

Yes, once upon a time there was a girl who tried to live harmoniously with the technology that rules modern day life. She had a computer, a smart phone, an iPod, and....well, okay maybe that is it...but still. This girl loved the technology and how it advanced her life. How could she ever tell time without a cell phone? Or, how could she keep in contact with friends and family without a computer and access to email? She couldn't, right? Unfortunately, the love was not mutual. Technology hated her.


A year ago her motherboard completely fried and she lost everything. The frying of said motherboard may or may not have occurred while she was viewing the personal website of Joey from Real World Hollywood and Celebrity Rehab 3. A mistake I will never make again because I am confident that it caused the crash of my computer. Don't risk it! Anyway, it turns out that the motherboard was recalled so HP fixed my computer for no money. There was a cost though...it cost me all of my data. Big sad face. I tried to get over it. Surprisingly, Apple helped ease the pain by allowing me to redownload the hundreds of songs I had purchased on iTunes that were now lost. Big kiss to Apple. For real.

So, I learned my lesson and purchased an external hard drive. (Full disclosure: purchase of said external hard drive took about a year...so what) All would be right with the world, correct? I could live through another computer catastrophe because all my data was safe and sound on my little black passport. When my computer was infected by a virus, I confidently performed a system restore. All my data was safe, so I didn't care if I had to wipe everything off my computer.

I didn't care until about two or three weeks after restoring my computer when I plugged in my external hard drive and it made a crazy noise and didn't work. That's right boys and girls. DEAD! The asshole Geek Squad man was less then apologetic or understanding and said, "it's a machine. they break." When I said all of my data was on the hard drive he shrugged his shoulders.

That's right. No picture, no music, no nothing. Clean slate. So, one year later I again had to kiss Apple's ass and send them an email begging for the rights to redownload my music. Once again they came to my rescue, which basically makes me heart them. Although, I am thinking I should just switch to a wind-up clock, a bicycle powered television, and a solar powered watch because technology clearly has it out for me.

if there was any one thing that could make me smile...it would be this

Just in case you were concerned that I missed this amazing little nugget of news:

PHILADELPHIA — A New Jersey man is facing charges after police say he intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl and her father in the stands during a Phillies game…

Police say Clemmens made himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and his daughter after a companion was kicked out for unruly behavior.

I didn't. One word: AMAZING!

stroke of genius

About a year and a half ago I watched a video on TED.com where Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, discussed a stroke that she had in December 1996. She spoke of the two hemispheres of our brains and the different functions they are responsible for. As she shared her story of the morning of her stroke, she discussed how she became acutely conscious of those two functions: the right hemisphere that connects us as beings of the outside world, where we are "at one with all that is;" and the left hemisphere that allows us to recognize our beings as being individual from all else that is in the universe. During her talk she discussed how the left hemisphere of her brain was effected by the stroke, yet tearfully shared the positive experience of losing the ability to separate herself from the universe and live (if only for moments) in a space where she was truly connected to all that is.

At the end of her talk she challenged those in the audience to make choices regarding which hemisphere we allow to guide our lives. She questioned the audience as to what they would choose. She stated, "I believe that the more time we spend choosing to run the deep inner peace circuitry of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will project into the world and the more peaceful our planet will be."

It inspired me. At the time, I was experiencing stress at work and it reminded me again why I chose to be in a helping profession. It reminded me why I chose to go to work each day.

It seems as if eons have passed since that reminder. I'm not exactly sure what path I am supposed to take in life. What I do know is that I hope to be a part of a large change in the world. I want to make great waves and leave my footprint. I want to leave things better when I leave then when I enter a space...this space...any space. While I feel lost on how to make that happen, I am reminded that I need to find a way to figure it out. I need to reconnect.

Here is her talk. I think it can change your life:

i might need to change professions

I can't sleep. Surprise!

Yep, I am trying to look on the bright side. As a result of me not sleeping, I have two really weird things to tell you about. The first, well, just see for yourself:

Please make sure you look at the picture closely. No, I didn't edit this. Yes, apparently, "A DOOZY" is a meteorological term. Who knew?

The second thing you ask? Well, as I lay in my bed trying to sleep I began to hear this annoying clicking sort of noise. It was coming from my kitchen, but I couldn't figure out what it was. It was a clicky rattley noise. I sat up and was about to go look when all of the sudden my apartment jolts. The jolt is what I would describe as somewhat violent. No, not me...my whole apartment. My heart immediately began to race and I went into the kitchen. The clicking noise was coming from a mug that was sitting on top of this tin on my counter. It was rocking back and forth. Now, I will admit that I have a tendency to over react and jump to conclusions about things like this. My imagination just tends to run a little wild. No joking aside though. We just had a FUCKING EARTHQUAKE! Seriously! And, while it may have been a touch crazy, I headed over to the U.S. Geological Survey website (I had to google it first to find out where I should go...I don't have it as a favorite or anything crazy like that) turns out...there was an earthquake! Don't believe me? Here you go...a magnitude 4.3 earthquake. Or you can read this about the earthquake. Totally crazy. Although my heart was still beating out of my chest, I felt a little proud that I felt it and knew exactly what it was. Basically, I'm a seismic genius.

UPDATE: I just got a CNN breaking news alert text on my phone about the earthquake. Too late CNN, tell me something I didn't already know!

put on your bladder control undies for this one

First, someone posted this question on Yahoo Answers:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081017195134AAWT7Ez

Then someone made this:



Then I died laughing.

(@vaieel i owe you my first babby for sending me this)

rehab

Okay, so I totally watched the entire season of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew online yesterday and cried my eyes out like a baby.


I have come to the conclusion that Dr. Drew is one of my favorite people on the planet. Seriously, I want to go to rehab just so I can interact with him. Please tell me I am not alone.

hey!

Wow, it has been a long time since I last updated. I was on a pretty good roll there updating frequently and pow...dropped off the face of the blogosphere. I didn't slip into a coma, get hit by a bus, or any other terrible thing that you may have been imagining. I'm sorry to have kept you up all night worrying where I was. I've been safe and sound all this time. I do have some catching up to do though.

So let's jump right in. Do you know what I am terrible at? Okay besides updating my blog, apparently. Email. Mother. Effing. Subject. Lines.


I believe myself to be a relatively creative person. Right? But, no. All creativity and wit go out the window when it comes to email subject lines. As does my ability to summarize what it is that I am writing about. I end up putting some bullshit like, "hey," or "hey!" "Hello," works just as well. Oh, and I do throw out the "so..." quite often. I mean, read the fucking email. Get over what I put in the subject line. I've never been known for my ability to wrap things up quickly. There is no "long story short" with me. It is always more like, "short story long." So how on earth am I supposed to summarize a whole email in a few quick words? I am lost on this one. I get that it is email etiquette and all, but can Emily Post or who ever is in charge of the interweb etiquette world throw me a bone on this one and accept a "hey?"

old chapters

I've written before about privacy and how it has evolved in our lifetime. I don't know my neighbors' names. I never even met them. I mean, clearly if I had met them I would have an answer to what was up with all the vomiting that happens next door. But, alas, I've never met nor do I know anything about them. Not one thing. Well, besides all the vomiting. What I do know are the stories of people I've never met before. I knew when Georgina found out she was pregnant with a girl. I knew when David decided to return to life as a manwhore. I knew when Lilu's B peed on the cat. I knew when Lexa was called a glorified secretary. And, I know a lot more...about a lot of other people....people I've never met before. All compliments of our friend the interweb.

Problem is, I also know a lot about people I have met. I know stuff I never wanted to know. And, it was a couple of weeks ago that the book of faces let me down again by allowing me to find out information I never needed to know.


I'm not quite sure why it bothered me so much. But, as soon as I saw it I immediately shut the laptop. Apparently shutting the laptop would make it go away. I looked around as if to find out if anyone else saw what I saw. Why book of faces? Why? Why did you allow this to pop up on my news feed?

I had never been in a relationship like the one I was in with him. I hated and loved him with more intensity then anyone I had ever met before. I believe the feeling was mutual. We were too young and too intense. We fought. We saw each other way too often. We probably made each other miserable. And, we couldn't get enough of each other. I remember one night we were in a bar and his friend turned to me and said, "He really does love you. I don't know what he would do without you. He seriously loves you more then you know." The funny thing was that we were celebrating my new job. My new job in another city. The new job I looked for, in another city, to get away from him. He was toxic for me.

It was the intensity that I loved though. It was the intensity that caused this seemingly short lived romance to live way beyond its shelf life.

He use to say we were going to be together forever. He would talk about our children and the kind of mother I would be to them. He told me he loved me and never wanted to be without me. He said he was more in love with me each morning when he woke up next to me...on account of my messy hair and snuggly nature. He drank more then any person I knew. He lied when I confronted him about cheating on me. He never introduced me to his mother. He turned away from me when I cried. And, he left when he promised he would be in the waiting room when I got out.

He cemented my fears that people would turn away from me. He made my suspicions reality. He made me feel more unlovable than I thought possible.

It was years ago. And, I wasn't perfect. I didn't deserve to be treated as I was, but I didn't treat myself well either. I kept returning. I went back for more. I forgave and pretended to forget. I looked the other way and only discussed my concerns for him in anger. He was young. He was hurting his body in ways I didn't even allow myself to acknowledge. His choices were clouded by abuse that he put his body through. It wasn't a free pass. He should not receive a pardon for it, but I should have rested my case and given in. I should have stopped looking for love from someone who couldn't even treat themselves well.

The announcement of his marriage made me sad. Sad that I allowed myself to be hurt so badly by someone. Sad that he didn't want to treat me better. Sad that I believed the untruths I told myself in response to his behavior. Sad that I couldn't "win" by appearing to come out on top.

The sadness faded though. I reminded myself we were young. He hurt me, but I don't believe it was intentional. We didn't know how to treat each other. And, I probably hurt him as well. He wasn't a terrible person. He was funny. He was loyal. And, he could be incredibly loving when he wanted to be. It wasn't me. We just didn't work. And, we were kids. We needed to grow up. Move away. Make more mistakes. And learn to love ourselves.

So, I sent him a message. I told him that he looked really happy and I congratulated him. He didn't respond and I think I am okay with that. In the past I would have been crushed by his lack of response. I had and still have this strong desire to be on good terms with him. He once occupied space in my heart and a piece of him will always remain a tenant. But, relationships don't get their loose ends tied up nicely. The frayed ends linger until you can accept them and understand why the end is much harder to define then the beginning. An email would not have given me closure because what I realized was that I found it long ago. He will always hold a place in my life story, but I am chapters beyond what we were. I got closure long ago. I was just reminded that it comes in your heart and not an email or a moment in time.

The other plus about having closure is that today I can totally laugh when I retell the story about how he peed in my bed. And how I told the dry cleaner that the dog peed on my down comforter because I didn't quite know how to say, "my boyfriend peed on this" and look her in the eye. Let's hope he has learned to keep his drinking bladder under control or that he and his new wife registered for a plastic mattress protector. Bitchy much? Yes, yes I am.

tweet all about it...

Has it ever happened that you read something or see something and you can't even get the words out to discuss it because you have so much to say? You think about it in the shower and over morning coffee. When you fall asleep you can't get it out of your head. But, despite your propensity to be overly verbose and share more than anyone ever asked you to...you can't even talk about its magnitude. I'm not sure if I am alone. Perhaps I am. Sometimes things happen or I read something and I just ruminate over it for a while. I know. It may come as a shock to some of you that somethings render me speechless.

Now, to just quickly get it out of the way, I wasn't all up in arms about how someone could dare tweet about miscarriage or abortion. I wasn't passing judgement or planning out carefully crafted insults. No, I was more in awe.

I have to be honest that I first came across this tweet while reading one of my favorite blogs: The Rest is Still Unwritten. Apparently, more than the world wide web was abuzz about this tweet heard (or read) 'round the world. That's right, CNN even got in on the action by having Rick Sanchez interview Penelope. And, it was this interview that rendered me speechless.

Mr. Sanchez began the interview by saying, "I'm gonna ask you a tough question, young lady, do you have no shame?"

Besides the fact that the host of a show on CNN referred to a 42 year old woman as "young lady," which I have a feeling was more out of condescension then respect...and that he asked, "Did you literally just have it? Or, did you excuse yourself?" (referring to her miscarriage as if it was a moment in time sort of thing) I guess I am speechless because this stirred so many emotions up for me. And, I am left to wonder why it is that people can't tweet about miscarriages or abortion. Really, when we boil everything down, why tweet about anything? Does the world really need to know this?

Or what about this earth shattering news?



You see, no one needs to know anything that anyone tweets about. Twitter is there. People use it. Why is there suddenly some unwritten rule that says you can tweet about what you made for dinner, but you can't talk about a very personal experience. Why is some stuff off limits?

And, I get it. Really, I know the answer to this. I'm not that naive. I understand that some people believe that there are topics that are to be kept private. But really, why do others get to set those rules for us. Why are we made to feel that there are some things we can share, but others we can't. What if we want to share them? What if we need to share them?

We live in a time where we don't keep much private. Or perhaps it is more fitting to say that we view privacy differently. I don't even know the names of my neighbors, but I know the life stories of people that I've never even met because of TV and the Internet.

So, why is it that we are shamed for making choices about how we share our own lives? Why do others get to set the rules for our lives? Why do they judge when we choose to set our own rules?

That may have been the kicker for me. It may have been the way that Rick Sanchez said, "...do you have no shame?" Why? Why do we have to feel shame in sharing our life experience. I won't tweet or blog or post about the personal business of others on my Facebook status, but why can't we decide on our own what we give of ourselves?

I'm a huge proponent of sharing the personal experience. Probably to a fault, at times. I think you should discuss things. Get it all out. Say what you feel. I do believe that the best way to do that is through face to face interactions, but I also find great catharsis in doing it through the written word. And, in the world we live in today...the written word usually has an http:// before it. There should be no judgement in that.

So, this may have been all over the place, but the point is that I was speechless because I felt so many things. While I was in awe of Penelope's free expression of her own personal experience, I was sad because I was reminded that we shame each other for the human experience. There is no one person to point the finger at, but the truth is that at times we all contribute to the shaming of others for experiences that are out of their control or feel larger than us.

I remember posting something a while back and having a conversation about how I didn't need my family to read it because it said something about sex or something. The response I got was, "well, why put it on the Internet?" It was a valid response, but what I responded with was that it felt good. It sometimes feels good to get things out that are taboo and ugly in the eyes of others. Life isn't always beautiful. And, if that makes others uncomfortable, I'm sorry. Sometimes, there is more than just the pretty stuff to share. We sometimes experience hurt, abuse, miscarriages, abortions, depression, anxiety, pain...and sometimes we just make ravioli for dinner. It's life. There should be no shame in any of it.

AC and I'm not talking Slater

I was tricked yesterday when I became very sleepy at 9pm. I thought, "This is your night. A full night's sleep is actually going to happen!" I was so pumped up for real sleep, during real sleeping hours. I ran to my bed and quickly fell asleep. Off to a good start....that quickly ended at 1am. That's right, four hours. After four hours I was wide awake again. I decided that I wasn't going to play this little game that I've been playing with sleep for over a month now. I decided to embrace my awakened state and spent my time very productively cruising the internet and watching tv shows online.

The weird thing was that when I woke up I heard this strange noise coming from my air conditioner. It sounded like it was mad or something. Well, it was. I opened the vent thing to find that it was all frozen and frosted up. I turned it off and pouted that I would have to wait for it to defrost before turning it back on. I think we have gone over my love for the AC before. I. Heart. Air. Conditioning.


Seriously, if there was a support group for people with an unhealthy love for air conditioning, I would collect chips and introduce myself to the group, "My name is Emily and I am an air conditioneroholic."

Anyway, I turned the fan on in my room and hoped the AC would defrost quickly. Well, at about 4 or 5am I realized it was fully defrosted. Mind you that it was solid ice, so it took a while. Anyway, I turned it back on and felt a moment of pure joy. I returned to my computer where I was obviously doing some very important work to find the local temperature displayed on my screen...48 degrees. Oh, and I am talking Fahrenheit. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I was trying to use the air conditioner when it was 48 degrees outside. I have a problem.

Before you freak out too terribly, I turned it back off and opened the window. Happy now?

i'm not gonna make it in today

Sometimes when I get really bored I make up lists. It is a strange practice, I know. I'll give you an example: one day I had a terrible day at work and the train was overly crowded and I was generally in a funk...I made a choice to turn that funk around by making up a list of things I hate. I know that it seems odd, but as I wrote about hating when people take up two seats on the train, stubbing my toe, doing dishes by hand, people who pronounce really common words incorrectly, porta-potties, people who say they aren't hungry anymore after finding a hair in their food, etc....I started to feel better. You see, I just started laughing at all these things that got me fired up and I was suddenly in a better mood.

Well, when I was working I would frequently find myself with too much time on my hands. I prefer to be very busy at work because the stillness becomes mind numbing. I would often pass the time sending emails and surfing the internet. One day I was dreaming of being at home, so I decided to start a list of reasons one would give for not going to work. I decided to also include reasons for being late. And, I have to credit my friends because this list was emailed around and added to throughout the day.



So, next time you can't quite make it in to work...feel free to take one from the vault:

1. Throwing up
2. Migraine
3. Fever
4. Power went out
5. No hot water
6. Roommate went to the hospital
7. Dog threw up (won't stop)
8. "Not feeling well"
9. Family member ill
10. Insomnia the night before
11. Basement flooded
12. Car won't start (wouldn't work for me)
13. Dog ran away
14. Cat ran away
15. Friend had a baby
16. Stomach pains
17. up all night coughing
18. Toilet overflowing and have to wait for a plumber
19. Gas leak at house
20. "Personal emergency"
21. Stomach flu
22. Cramps/ heavy flow
23. Not safe to leave the house
24. Stalker
25. Car vandalized
26. Car accident
27. in jail
28. Abducted by aliens
29. Held for ransom
30. Lost
31. Hung over
32. Don’t feel like working
33. Doctor's appointment
34. Abortion
35. Food poisoning
36. Protesting
37. Panic attack
38. Religious holiday
39. Dizzy
40. Passed out in the shower
41. "Not feelin' it"
42. Diarrhea
43: parents surprised me with coming in town
44: pet died
45: dumped the night before
46: updating my resume
47: job interview
48: I might have swine flu
49. Sprained my ankle
50. I have other plans

P.S. 90% of these are a joke, but some asshole on the internet decided to write an article about how to properly call out...weird.

i took the 145 bus back in time

That’s right folks, I did something unheard of. I left the house and it was as if I walked straight back to 2002. You know what I’m talkin' about. I didn't have my cell phone.

Take a second. Get yourselves together. I know it is shocking.

It was an odd feeling to say the least. I got halfway to my bus stop when I realized it, but it was too late to head back because I had an appointment to get to. So, I had no other choice but to brave this big old city alone.

I got my first cell phone from my dad for my 21st birthday. It was a sweet little Motorola brick phone. I’m not talking Zack Morris phone or anything. It was 2002, but it was nothing like the phones we have today. Green screen? Yes please! and ever since getting my first cell phone back in twenty aught 2 I can't remember a time that I didn't have it with me. I truly felt naked without it today.

I’ve long said that my cell phone is like my cigarette. When I am waiting for someone at a bar, I check my cell phone. When I am nervous, I fiddle with my cell phone. If I go outside to "get some air" I check my cell phone and send a text that I really don't even need to send. And today, I was experiencing some serious withdraw. It was as if I was a smoker on a nonsmoking transatlantic flight. Could someone give me some gum with minutes in it or something? I nearly went mad when I was riding the bus and all I had to do was sit there. Oh, and what time is it? No clue. I stopped wearing a watch years ago. What time will the next bus be here? I dunno, no bus tracker. What books were I suppose to buy at borders? Who knows. I don't use paper. I use the memo function on my phone. It was terrible! And, all I could think was...someone is probably trying to get a hold of me. Yep, they are probably trying really hard to get in touch with me and there is no way to do it.

How did we live like that?

I was happily reunited with my phone three hours later. However, as I walked down the hall toward my apartment with keys in hand, I paused. What if no one was trying to get a hold of me? What if it didn't even matter that I was unreachable for three whole hours?

But alas, 8 missed text messages and 7 unread facebook messages. Yep, all was right with the world and I was needed. Lesson learned. I will never let my little cell phone leave my side again.

Really?

So, there are some things that happen in life that make you pause...look around...and wonder when someone will point to the camera in the office plant or when Allen Funt will appear to reveal that you are on Candid Camera. Seriously, some days I wait and just hope that people are drawing this one out for a while in the vain of comedic timing. People, the dramatic pause should not last hours or days. But, I will laugh when you finally reveal the camera and I will shake my finger exclaiming, "you really got me this time!"

Basically, I think it's important to point out those moments in life when you would rather be on some weird voyeuristic prime time television show with a laugh track then acknowledge that this is your life. In my case, there usually is no laugh track with the exception of the one that comes from friends hours after a stupid moment or experience...when I retell the ridiculousness of it all. Despite my love for oral storytelling, I am going to attempt to retell those moments here. Perhaps they will be told soon after they occur or I may just pull some of the ridiculous from the archives for for the sake of funny.


Hey Emily,
I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think we should continue seeing each other. I know we've only been on two dates, but I feel you deserve an explanation since things seemed to be going so well.

I do like you and I did have fun on both of our dates, I absolutely wasn't lying. However, I've been thinking about the big picture and the fact is I'm just not AT ALL in a place right now where I could start seriously dating you - which is where I saw things heading. I have this fucked up relationship with one of my best friends. I've had feelings for her for a long time.

I just really didn't think it was fair to you to walk you into that potential land mine waiting to explode. Ya know?

Again, really sorry! Believe me, you did nothing wrong and I hope you can find somebody that's good for you right now!

Sincerely,
Ben

I think the "kids" are sayin' something dumb like FML in response to something like this. I don't really subscribe to all that nonsense that the "kids" are doing. I don't enjoy abbreviations, nor am I a fan of the smiley face emoticon shit. Seriously, if I want to smile at you in an email I am much more likely to say (smiley) than actually type :) I just don't like it. To be fair, I will throw it out there that I may have used the whole :) crap in an email or text before. In my defense, it is usually used with people who don't know about my strong feelings against emoticons...my close friends know I don't like them and are use to my mockery when I type (smiley) in protest.

Anyway, that was a tangent. However, this whole things (see: blog) is a tangent and we play by my rules so I will get off topic all I want...how do you like that? Seriously though...FML or whatever. Really? A facebook message? Some background information: two dates. Get over yourself. With that said, we did have plans for later in the night. Yep, the night the email was sent. And, the plans were initiated by Ben. Oh, and don't worry...his name was not changed to protect his identity. Douchebag can stumble across this blog and find out what I really think. Tell us all how your love for your best friend is workin' out for you. Do you think you are in a 90's teen movie? Cause, I got news for you, you aren't. I'll save you the Blockbuster rental fee...this won't end up with you two deciding you need to go to the same college and make babies and live happily ever after. Nope, it will probably end with you being pretty pathetic and lusting after said best friend who was and will never be interested. Because I've got another news flash for you...if she liked you...you'd be together. Just sayin'. Anyway, the funny part about this situation (aside from the fact that we are not in high school and Facebook is not the appropriate platform for such conversation) is that it was received approximately twenty minutes after I found out I was laid off. Yep, I don't have a job. So, soak it up (I'm talking to you "kids")...this is about the only time you will see me use a stupid chat abbreviation...


FML