mono y mono

holy shit it has been a long time. i don't even know how i got out of the groove of writing. i use to want to put everything here in this blog, but then one day i didn't. one day turned into a week and then months got away from me.

it would be totally awesome if i could say that a whole lot has changed in my life. on some levels it has, but on most it is about the same as where i left off.

i'm still working. i still have that awesome CTA story to share. and, i still wish i could sleep in every day.

i've been itching to get back into this blog. it's sort of like a phantom pain...you know the one you get when you have a limb amputated and you have an itch that you can't scratch because your arm isn't even there anymore. or maybe that analogy doesn't make sense at all. either way, i wanted to write again so here i am.

i got some interesting news recently. turns out i had mono and never even knew it. i sort of got pissed off because i couldn't get mono to save my life in high school when i wanted it and then i get it and didn 't even know it. i would totally have milked the mono sympathy train for all it was worth. because everyone knows that if you can milk any kind of train it is a sympathy train.

anyway, i am choosing to believe that i had mono while i was not working which would shed some light on to my marathon sleeping. not that i'm not a little proud of my ability to sleep for 24 hours straight, but it isn't normal. all this time i thought i was super bored and i may have been sick. good thing i never played any contact sports while i was unemployed or my pancreas could have totally ruptured. i dodged a bullet there.

a little bit of nothing and a whole lot of other stuff

Who lost all knowledge of how to juggle a life and work? This girl. I was basically off the grid last week. This work thing is much more time consuming than I remembered. With nine or so hour days and a commute that is over an hour both ways...I am spent when I get home. I look at the clock and cry a little on the inside knowing that I have only about three hours to do shit before I need to go to bed if I want to sleep for 8 hours. And who has slept for 8 hours every night this week? Not this girl. I've been rockin' like 6 or 6.5. Totally unlike me and the cause of my marathon sleep session on Saturday.

I have good news to report though. I am totally digging my job. I know it is temporary and I know that I have only been there a week and a day, but I like it. I tried to enter this work experience with a different attitude and approach than I have ever really taken before...and it is working. I do think I have always been a relatively good employee (see: awesome), but I think this new approach I am taking is making me happier and an even better employee and coworker. So yeah. I like what I am doing. The program is totally awesome and I just know it will make some monumental changes in the lives of others. I'm sad that it is temporary and sort of a band-aid fix for the clients we are working with...but, change doesn't happen overnight and it is often about small victories.

Anyway, in my last post I went on and on about how I didn't do much during work sabbatical. (Yes, I realized it wasn't a sabbatical. It just sounds so much nicer than unemployment.) I feel the need to share the things that I did get to do with my time off that I may not have shared with you...

• Got a library card
• Hung curtains in my room
• Watched the 5th season of Weeds
• Returned to being a brunette after spending four months as a blonde
• Rearranged the furniture in my apartment 3 times
• Finished a photo album I've been working on for at least 3 years
• Learned to fold origami cranes
• Hung pictures on my walls
• Used my sewing machine
• Got a second tattoo
• Sat in the audience for a taping of Oprah
• Watched seasons 1-3 of 30 Rock
• Began painting one nail off
• Went on some bad dates
• Read A Million Little Pieces (and loved it)
• Took a yoga class
• Downloaded a shit ton of music
• Drank a lot of wine
• Visited my dad for over a week...which I haven't done since perhaps middle school
• Ended a friendship
• Went on long walks in the city
• Memorized my library card number
• Hung out with my high school best friend
• Went to a candy convention
• Made almost all my Christmas presents by hand
• Threw up in a cab (it was New Year's Eve...give me that)
• Installed my window air conditioner all by myself
• Met one of my new favorite bloggers for drinks and Mexican food
• Rode on the back of a scooter for the first time
• Realized I don't hate all salad dressings
• Went to Wisconsin
• Helped my mom do flowers for a wedding
• Met Craig Ferguson
• Talked on the phone for hours to my best friend
• Learned who my real friends are
• Bought a plant for my apartment, so I was not the only living thing here
• Ordered spray paint online
• Went to a St. Louis Cardinals game
• Saw Michal Jackson's childhood home
• Got taken care of by my mom
• Made coffee at home
• Started this blog

So, I did a whole bunch of nothing...but, I also did a whole lot of stuff too. I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have to set my alarm in the morning, but I am glad to be where I am right now. I don't think I can ask for much more.

P.S. I have an AMAZING CTA story for you, but you will have to wait a few days. A girl can only write so much when she is trying to get adequate sleep.

10 months and four days...

That's right, 10 months and four days ago today I worked my last day at my former job. It was the day that I was laid off and quasi dumped via a Facebook message (I say "quasi dumped" because we weren't even dating and he was way over dramatic).

When I started writing this blog I had grand ideas that it would be some Adventures in Unemployment (a la Adventures in Babysitting); however, unemployment wasn't all I dreamed it would be. I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't totally bitchin' to never have to wake up or go to sleep at a set time. I won't say that never having to say, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow," wasn't awesome. Visiting my family for over a week, did it. Had friends come in town, check. Okay, it unemployment sort of did rock. However, it sucked too. I lived on hardly anything. I got stuck on an insane sleep schedule. I lost all idea of purpose. I would go days without leaving my apartment. And, I missed almost a whole year. If it were a drink...unemployment would have been half empty with only a little bit of goodness at the bottom. So, the blog didn't really chronicle my adventures in unemployment. I apologize.

But wait, you caught on to the fact that I speak of unemployment in the past tense? That's right bitches...I started a new job today. It fell in my lap and I did little to no work to get it. Before anyone who is unemployed stops following me or gets all pissy because I did very little to break the unemployment trend...take satisfaction in knowing that it is temporary. It is a four month program that I was asked to help start up. It is somewhat impossible to sum up my first day. I was busy, but didn't even have an assigned desk and didn't even know what my actual title was until about noonish. So, we will see.

The good news for you is that I will have some fucking awesome CTA stories to share. I basically travel the length of the red line to get to work. On the way home, while waiting for the train, I was approached by a man who looked about my age. He said, "you got a man at home?" I said, "Yes," which is a lie but who wants to tell a stranger on the train platform, "nope...I'm single. I've been that way for a little while now." I will answer that...no one. Anyway, he then said, "well, it won't hurt if we are friends." I, for some unknown reason, entertained this and said, "no, it won't hurt." He responded, "well, it might a little." I put my iPod ear buds in at that point.

Later bitches. I have to get to be because I have to be at work tomorrow. Weird.

stroke of genius

About a year and a half ago I watched a video on TED.com where Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, discussed a stroke that she had in December 1996. She spoke of the two hemispheres of our brains and the different functions they are responsible for. As she shared her story of the morning of her stroke, she discussed how she became acutely conscious of those two functions: the right hemisphere that connects us as beings of the outside world, where we are "at one with all that is;" and the left hemisphere that allows us to recognize our beings as being individual from all else that is in the universe. During her talk she discussed how the left hemisphere of her brain was effected by the stroke, yet tearfully shared the positive experience of losing the ability to separate herself from the universe and live (if only for moments) in a space where she was truly connected to all that is.

At the end of her talk she challenged those in the audience to make choices regarding which hemisphere we allow to guide our lives. She questioned the audience as to what they would choose. She stated, "I believe that the more time we spend choosing to run the deep inner peace circuitry of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will project into the world and the more peaceful our planet will be."

It inspired me. At the time, I was experiencing stress at work and it reminded me again why I chose to be in a helping profession. It reminded me why I chose to go to work each day.

It seems as if eons have passed since that reminder. I'm not exactly sure what path I am supposed to take in life. What I do know is that I hope to be a part of a large change in the world. I want to make great waves and leave my footprint. I want to leave things better when I leave then when I enter a space...this space...any space. While I feel lost on how to make that happen, I am reminded that I need to find a way to figure it out. I need to reconnect.

Here is her talk. I think it can change your life:

I came across this a few days ago and couldn't put it out of my mind. Sometimes the most simple of signs are the ones we need to see the most. And, when we need to see them, they make an impact.

This whole unemployment thing that I've been doing for the past couple of months has been an interesting journey. It is odd. I have almost forgotten what it is like to actually get up for work and have a daily responsibility. My weeks generally revolve around two or three different commitments. After that, the rest is up to me. Regrettably, I have not been making the most of that time. I will say that I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. Extremely. Hard. In the past couple of weeks I have been struggling with my purpose. I put a lot of stock in my purpose in life...the footprints I leave in this world. I've begun to fear that no matter how hard I walk right now...those footprints are non-existent. It's one of my biggest fears.

I will admittedly share that I am not really looking for a job, which makes it a little difficult given that I put a lot of emphasis on my career to give my life purpose. The fact that I am not even looking is much to the chagrin of some of my closest friends and some family members. There is a reason for my decision though. In addition to putting stock in leading a purpose driven life...I put an equal amount in happiness. I fear that I won't find happiness if I just seek out any random job that will hire me. I want to find it within. What better way to do that then to have all the time in the world to discover it?

You see, if I were a betting woman I would say that all my chips get evenly split between purpose and happiness. I just truly believe that when you do that...all in...the returns are tenfold.

For those who are concerned, I do have a plan. I'm working with two great friends on a start-up company, which I am over the moon excited about. I really do believe that it will be a great thing and afford all of us some amazing opportunities to be happy, creative, playful, energetic, free, expressive...

So, in the mean time, I wait. I've had big plans to do this "Month of Emily" thing. I've wanted to focus on discovering happiness, taking care of me, and doing good things for myself. For some reason, it just seems to get fucked up on day two (okay maybe one) every time I try. It is just that in this time I have a lot of varying emotions: excitement for what may be, anxiety for what currently is, paralysis from fear, and a host of others. They seem to get in my way.

Perhaps the trick is simply saying it out loud (or as out loud as the blog allows). Today, is day one of the "Month of Emily." I will work on making sure I don't hold back on any of my proverbial chips and place them all in happiness and purpose. Holding back gets you in trouble.

As simple as that sign is, it was just what I needed to see. Everything is going to be amazing. I don't need to worry. All I need to do is play my part in making it a reality.

pulling up the rug

I've struggled with writing this post because the magnitude of this topic is so far reaching for me. As many of you are aware, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A handful of you probably know that it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, as well. I would say that it surprises me how few people actually know about Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but that would not be true. Domestic violence, at its core, is something we shy away from. So, it makes sense that the month dedicated to raising awareness is not always highlighted as it should be.

It's something people don't like to talk about. Don't like to acknowledge. It is something that many people would be happy just sweeping under the rug. The one flaw with this mentality is that there is not a rug big enough to hide the realities of domestic violence. One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. And while it's not something that is exclusive to the female experience, 85% of all domestic violence survivors are women.
I spent years working in the field of domestic violence. It is an issue very close to my heart and perhaps the topic I can discuss with more passion than anything else. I used to say that I would never do anything else professionally. I saw myself working in the field until retirement. Something changed along the way. It wasn't that it was too depressing. In fact, when I told people what I did for a living the first reaction of a great majority of people was, "that's so sad." Others changed the subject as quickly as possible. I always explained that it wasn't a sad career. My time working in shelters was quite often happy. Yes, there were very sad stories. Heartbreaking stories. Yes, I closed my office door on more then one occasion and cried. However, the shelter was a place of hope. The shelter represented change, whether for a lifetime or a day, in the lives of the women and children who walked through the doors. It was a choice I made, but I chose to see it as a very positive place.

So, it wasn't "sad." And, I didn't leave because it became too depressing. But, it became heavy. I have an insane memory. I can recall a name or a face of someone I met once, years ago, almost instantly. This skill was often called upon at the shelter. I would be asked to join a meeting and would be given a few facts about a woman and her children- I could usually recall her first and last name and the details of previous shelter stays. It came in handy. I knew the details of the stories of almost every woman staying in the shelter. I took notes, but rarely needed them. I just absorbed it all. I could see their faces and their stories in my head. I still can. As I type I remember their names. I moved away and was offered a job outside of the domestic violence field. The break allowed me to reflect and what I realized was that the work became so heavy on my heart. I still see their faces. I still remember their stories. What became harder was that I saw and still see the faces and story of my own family.

You see, we have our own rug we do some sweeping under. We rarely ever talk about it. Once when I was practicing in front of my brother for a public appearance I was going to be making, he questioned the 1 in every 4 statistic. He said, "that's really high, isn't it?" So, I get why someone who hasn't experienced it first hand has trouble grasping the sheer gravity of how widespread the problem is. I get that people can't put a face to it. My brother, who had my face, who had my mom's face...who had his own face...couldn't.

I know the story of a woman who said she didn't deserve better. I know the story of a girl who feared going to school because there was a chance her mother would not live to see her make it home. I know the story of a woman who said she didn't feel loved by a man who didn't beat her. I know the story of a boy who knew his mother only by the name "Bitch," it was all he ever heard her called. I know the story of a woman who said, "he only choked me a little." I know the story of a child who called the four walls of a shelter the only home she ever knew. I know the story of a woman who died at the hands of the one she loved the most.

I know their stories. One of them is mine.

Please, know how real it is. Talk about it. It is the only way to shine light under the rug.

vodka, sprite, and a splash of irony

I went to a charity event this evening. It was hosted by the agency I used to work for. The agency that just laid me off. (There is a little more to the story, but who really cares about details?)

All night (as I enjoyed the open bar) I kept giggling to myself thinking how funny it would be to go up to other attendees with tears in my eyes and say, "I hope they make enough money tonight for me to get my job back," and then walk away.

i'm not gonna make it in today

Sometimes when I get really bored I make up lists. It is a strange practice, I know. I'll give you an example: one day I had a terrible day at work and the train was overly crowded and I was generally in a funk...I made a choice to turn that funk around by making up a list of things I hate. I know that it seems odd, but as I wrote about hating when people take up two seats on the train, stubbing my toe, doing dishes by hand, people who pronounce really common words incorrectly, porta-potties, people who say they aren't hungry anymore after finding a hair in their food, etc....I started to feel better. You see, I just started laughing at all these things that got me fired up and I was suddenly in a better mood.

Well, when I was working I would frequently find myself with too much time on my hands. I prefer to be very busy at work because the stillness becomes mind numbing. I would often pass the time sending emails and surfing the internet. One day I was dreaming of being at home, so I decided to start a list of reasons one would give for not going to work. I decided to also include reasons for being late. And, I have to credit my friends because this list was emailed around and added to throughout the day.



So, next time you can't quite make it in to work...feel free to take one from the vault:

1. Throwing up
2. Migraine
3. Fever
4. Power went out
5. No hot water
6. Roommate went to the hospital
7. Dog threw up (won't stop)
8. "Not feeling well"
9. Family member ill
10. Insomnia the night before
11. Basement flooded
12. Car won't start (wouldn't work for me)
13. Dog ran away
14. Cat ran away
15. Friend had a baby
16. Stomach pains
17. up all night coughing
18. Toilet overflowing and have to wait for a plumber
19. Gas leak at house
20. "Personal emergency"
21. Stomach flu
22. Cramps/ heavy flow
23. Not safe to leave the house
24. Stalker
25. Car vandalized
26. Car accident
27. in jail
28. Abducted by aliens
29. Held for ransom
30. Lost
31. Hung over
32. Don’t feel like working
33. Doctor's appointment
34. Abortion
35. Food poisoning
36. Protesting
37. Panic attack
38. Religious holiday
39. Dizzy
40. Passed out in the shower
41. "Not feelin' it"
42. Diarrhea
43: parents surprised me with coming in town
44: pet died
45: dumped the night before
46: updating my resume
47: job interview
48: I might have swine flu
49. Sprained my ankle
50. I have other plans

P.S. 90% of these are a joke, but some asshole on the internet decided to write an article about how to properly call out...weird.

in the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure...

Everyone has heard the sayings, "you have to first love yourself before you can truly love anyone else," or "if you don't take care of yourself first you are never going to be able to take care of some one else." They are both the same concept. And, to a degree they really are true. When I was a counselor I use to have this conversation on a daily basis practically. True, I worked at a domestic violence shelter and it was applicable to virtually every one of my clients who had their own self worth torn from their souls by those who abused them. There was a lot of work to be done for them to see their own beauty and value...my job was to walk with them on this journey.

I often used the analogy of riding on an airplane. For those of you who have flown before you've heard the announcement, "if you are traveling with a small child or someone needing assistance, please secure your mask first before assisting others." it is ingrained in society- take care of yourself first and then take care of other people.

Despite my history of spreading this doctrine to clients, (don't tell anyone) but I’m not sure I fully buy into this all the time. There is a time and a place, right? Clearly if a plane loses cabin pressure it behooves me to place my mask on first before passing out in the process of helping someone else. But, sometimes the needs of others outweigh mine. Or sometimes I just want to think about someone else before myself.

I had a client once who was being presented with a scholarship at an awards banquet hosted by the agency I was working for at the time. She didn't know it. She just thought that she was coming along. Coincidentally, I too was up for an award. I had been nominated for the agency's highest honor. I don't remember what it was called at this point. Basically, it was something like staff person of the year. You had to have made significant contributions to the agency and truly embodied the mission statement in all of your work. Most people probably didn't know they were nominated, but my boss told me. She said that she wanted me to know because regardless of whether or not I won she wanted me to know that she held me in this esteem. Quite an honor, to be viewed this way. I will very humbly say that there were some amazing women that worked there who on a daily basis did some phenomenal work- not just in my program, but in the other programs operated by the agency as well.

Anyway, as the ceremony began I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt as if I had opened my mouth they would emerge from my being and enter the space. They were overwhelming. Think American Beauty...the part where the rose petals rush from Mena Suvari's mouth. I had that nervous excitement where you almost lose feeling in your limbs and you can no longer sit still. It was similar to the feeling you got in sixth grade when you would have to get up in front of the class to make a presentation. (Or at least it was the feeling I would get) your heart races and you fear that if it doesn't slow...it may just jump out of your chest or burst. You can almost heart the rhythm of the beating and wonder if others can too because it is that intense. Oh, and don't even think of standing because your legs have no ability to support your weight. Yeah, I was a mess. A ball of nervous anticipation.

This wasn't for me though. When they began to read my clients story she clutched my arms and mouthed, "That’s me." I nodded my head. She sat there and stared at me with tears in her eyes. The room grew silent for a second and all of the air evaporated from the room. Her eyes grew wide as the room then erupted in applause. She shook her head and said, "I can't do it." I held her hand and nodded. She took her first breath and stood to accept the certificate and plaque. Tears streamed down her face and she continued looking over me nodding her head. After some photographs she returned to her seat and took a few deep breaths. She leaned over me and collapsed into my airs and began sobbing repeatedly saying, "Thank you. Thank you for believing in me." I pulled away and told her to look inside the envelope.

The agency president spoke.

My client said, "My hands are shaking so bad. I don't think I can take anymore. Thank you. Thank you."

She began talking about the selfless work of a staff member.

My client said, "I really don't think I can do it. What is it? This is all so much." I knew what the envelope held. I urged her to open it. That it would be okay.

She elaborated further on the work this staff member had done to walk with other as they began to end the cycle of violence in their lives.

My client hugged me and said, "I just want to say thank you. For all of this. Before I even know what is inside." I nodded.

She asked everyone to give a round of applause for Emily who worked at the domestic violence center.

My client opened the envelope and looked inside. She was all I could focus on. I felt so much joy for her. She fell toward me and embraced me sobbing. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Is this real?" I nodded and continued to hug her as long as she needed me to.

She announced the winner's full name. My colleague, Emily, stood and accepted the award.

I didn't really notice. I continued to stand there with my client who had just opened the envelope that held a check for $1000. We sat back down in our seats and she looked into my eyes. "Is this real?" I nodded with tears in my eyes and I took a breath, what felt like my first breath since her name was announced.

I didn't care what was happening around us, who won the agency award, what people thought that we refused to sit down as further awards were given handed out...because she couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. And we both cried.

You see, if there were an oxygen mask that had fallen from the ceiling, I wouldn't have put mine on first. This wasn't about me. Or, perhaps it was. You see, in that moment, I cared much more about her and her excitement. It wasn't about me nominating her or her being my client. No, it was that she was an amazing woman who had done some extraordinary work. She had a strength that I may never have. So, I didn't care about my mask. I didn't want to take care of myself or think of my award or worry about what our donors thought of me for continuing to stand up far beyond my client's "moment." no, I cared about her. And as soon as she sat down and could breathe. I regained feeling in my limbs, my heart slowed down and the noise was not as deafening, the butterflies disappeared...I could breathe.

So, I think the truth is that sometimes the way we take care of ourselves is to take care of other people. It doesn't have to be as polarized as the sayings go. You can truly be taken care of through giving to others.

Or at least, that is what works for me.

straight from the archives...

So, I laugh at my own jokes. Yep. I make myself laugh. Perhaps it's a good thing...they say you will live longer or something if you laugh a certain number of times a day. Since I can make myself laugh I guess my odds of reaching my laugh quota for the day are greater. Anyway, I also laugh at emails I write some times. I recognize that this makes me a dork. Or a freak. Or a freaky dork...whatever you want to call me. I had to pull this email out from the archives because I enjoy this one more than most other emails I've ever written. It still makes me laugh out loud...which I get brings us back to the freaky dork statement.

(a little background, this email was sent from me to my sister-in-law Stacey. i wrote the email during my week long TV ban...which didn't last one week. in my defense i had a root canal and was hopped up on drugs and was so stupid that i couldn't read anymore so i had no choice but to watch TV....anyway, enjoy!)

From: Emily [mailto:]
Sent: Sunday, January 07, 2007 1:05 PM
To: Stacey
Subject: Re: Happy 2007!

Just in case you were wondering...you aren't reading the time wrong. I am at work. yes, work! 2:24am and i am at work. you see i blame it on my TV ban. it all started when....

I got up this morning and when i walked downstairs the tv was calling my name, but no...i had to say, "sorry friend but you and i just aren't good for one another. you make me fat and frankly, all i can do is talk about you. my friends are going crazy. it is always tv this and tv that. i promise the break will be good for our relationship." i then proceeded to the kitchen where i made some eggs. i didn't dare sit in the living room to eat them though. too much temptation. so, i read my book which is appropriately named "Welcome to Temptation." it is very good by the way.

after reading some more i spent the entire day lounging around tv free contemplating what my week would look like without my trusty friend el television. i was in my "office" (cough cough my bed cough cough) where i drifted in and out of sleep. at around 5ish i got a call from rebecca asking me what i was doing. i appropriately responded, "i am about to get in the shower to get dressed for the day. what are you doing?" she had just gotten out of the shower. after much conversation we decided that sushi would be very good, so she came home and we got ready to go to...drum roll please...winner of worst service in nashville in a Nashville Scene reader's poll (not really) RuSan's. i did not have the American Re-Rising. I know it is as if you don't know me anymore. First no TV now new things at restaurants...watch out. I was thinking of taking up running this week. okay i know i have to stop with all the changes. you might pass out reading this. and that would be awkward at your new job...stacey passed out in the study with the candlestick. hehehe.

so, after dinner we came home and...nothing. what do you do when you can't watch TV? well, i figured it out. you read. (and you call your not ex-boyfriend...the not is not about the ex but about the boyfriend part...but, good news...he doesn't know how to answer the phone). so, i am almost through with this "Welcome to Temptation." i am fearing that it is close to a romance novel...the detailed sex scenes every ten pages have given it away. but, oddly enough...i am enjoying it. aaahhh am i cheating on TV with a romance novel? don't tell anyone.

So, anyway at 1am I am still up not watching TV but reading "Welcome to Temptation." The phone rings, but it is not the on-call phone [which by the way has been loving to ring all day long] it is my phone and the screen says......HUNTER! now, lets take a little diversion from the story. Think back to a time when you would have made calls at 1:00am or someone may have called you at 1:00am. what did those calls sound like? by now, i am assuming that you are thinking "this was a booty call." what else do you make a phone call to an ex for at 1:00am???? well, this is my conversation.

emily: hello?

hunter: hey.

emily: what's going on?

hunter: nothing, i am at the red door with a buddy of mine. he is walking around trying to pick up girls.

emily: oh, yeah it sounds loud where you are. are you having fun?

hunter: yeah. i saw you called. my phone is a piece of shit. it keeps dying. every time i look to see if i have a missed call it is dead.

emily: that sucks. you should get a new phone.

hunter: yeah, but i don't want to spend like $250 to buy one.

{interjection....$250! has this boy never tried to price phones. i have known him for almost two years and he has had the same phone the whole time. by now, his contract has to be up and i am sure that he can get a phone for less than $250. in fact, i would be willing to bet money he could get one for free. i didn't feel like going into this, so the conversation continued as such....}

emily: maybe you should have asked santa for a phone instead of a nintendo.

hunter: yeah, well, i liked my present.

emily: [laughing] i am loving how you inserted present for nintendo at the bar.

hunter: would you rather i say i can't wait to play zelda princess warrior on my new nintendo wii?

emily: [laughing harder] yes, i love it.

hunter: well, i'm glad. so, why did you call me?

emily: i was just calling to see if you wanted to hang out.

hunter: oh, sorry. but, it sounds like you are having a raging good time on a saturday night.

emily: how do you know i am not.

hunter: it is quiet in the background.

emily: i am at a quiet party. you are truly missing out.

hunter: i bet i am

emily: do you have to work tomorrow?

hunter: i work ever day.

emily: well, maybe we will see each other some time.

hunter: yeah. hey, my buddy just came back i'm gonna let you go. have a good night emily.

emily: you too....

i then proceeded to tell him about the DUI check points in south nashville and wished him well.

my real question is...why is hunter fucked up? he is the hardest to read person i have ever met. now, i know that the explanation is just that he was drunk and he was alone for a second at the bar and he was like...let's call someone. but, he NEVER wants to just call someone and if he does it is NEVER me. i don't know. i was just really weirded out.

i am sure that at this point you are wondering...what does this have to do with emily being at work? well, after my phone call with hunter i proceeded to continue with my book. it is very good, again. then i get a phone call. it is the overnight at the shelter. she was calling to do an approval over the phone. just a little background on shelter policy. two people must make the decision to approve or deny a person for shelter. there is only one person on the overnight. plus, if someone comes in for an intake in the middle of the night we have to call in a relief staff person because two people have to be in the building when an intake is going on.

when we approve the woman i say that if she decides to come in to call me and i will call the on-call relief staff person to come in. about ten minutes later, the overnight called back saying that the woman wanted to come in and was given directions to the drop off point. i went downstairs to get the phone number of the on-call staff person and i just couldn't do it. the staff person's name is trisha. she lives in clarksville. with her husband and three children. it takes her 45 minutes to get to work. an intake lasts about 1hr. she is paid $9. she also gets paid $10 a shift for being on call, but she does not receive it if she has to come in. so, essentially, she would drive a total of an hour and a half at 1:45a in the morning just to make $1 less. i just couldn't do it....especially since i was so awake and ten minutes away from the shelter. so, it brings us to me working at 2:24am. (in reality it is the next day right now and i am finishing this email, because the intake was over before i could finish the email, but for argument sake we will pretend i am still at work.)

i do blame this on no TV watching. because, i feel that i would have passed out in front of the TV before receiving the call about the intake. and, if i was asleep i think i would have thought twice about going in. but, if you look at it another way you could blame this on hunter. but, that is ridiculous...we all know that this is the TV bans fault.

i am going to go now.

Really? I only paid like $39.95 a month.

I had a friend call me the other day to ask for advice. This happens to me somewhat frequently, not like from this one friend, but friends in general. I've been told I give good advice or good feedback, stuff like that. This always makes me sort of uncomfortable...not the whole being asked part (I like that) it is the flattery that comes along with it. I mean, it shouldn't. Hopefully I am good at processing stuff with people. I was a counselor in the past and have dreams of doing it again at some point in my life. Let's hope I'm not totally shitty at listening and helping someone reflect on a situation...otherwise there may be some seriously fucked up people out there because during my tenure as a counselor I had well over a hundred clients. Let's not think about that too much. That sort of freaks me out.

I guess we just aren't taught to think about our strengths that way. For some odd reason we are socialized to turn compliments into less flattering statements. Tell a girl you like her outfit and most of the time she will say something like, "oh, I've had this for a while," or "I totally paid like $20 for this." We downplay things. We can't just say, "Thanks," or "Thank you" (either works). So, it is the practice of constantly downplaying one's successes or strong points (not that some one's outfit really counts as a success or strength, but it worked for the sake of making a point), it's this practice that causes me to say stuff like, "I'm probably giving terrible advice," or "Not that I really know what I'm talking about, but did you ever think blah blah blah?" Why the hell would I start a sentence like that? Someone at some point thought I was good at that shit. Hell, they gave me an office...with a couch! I clearly did something right.

But then it happened.

During the course of the conversation with my friend I said something like, "This is just like what happened on the Hills with Lauren..." Seriously, someone please scratch a record and make a crowd of people turn around and look at me. somebody drop your drink and your jaw. please. I deserve that embarrassment. Did I really use a Hills reference when talking to my friend, "oh this is just like the Hills..." I almost just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. What the fuck kind of counselor am I? And the truth is....I did think it was just like the Hills, which is why the whole situation is even worse and totally out of control. If I had a license (LCSW) I should really have it taken away. I guess it is good I don't have one yet. I mean, it's really good I don't have one because I would be talking about the Hills to my clients! Let's hope I get rid of all the stupid pop culture references and use them up on my friends because, seriously? I mean, not that I want my friends all fucked up and stuff, but they aren't paying for this crap that I'm saying.

So, for those of you keeping track...this was reason #437 why it is good I don't have cable: it will (hopefully) decrease the frequency with which I reference stupid reality television shows in everyday conversations.