in which i tell you a story about how technology hates me...

Yes, once upon a time there was a girl who tried to live harmoniously with the technology that rules modern day life. She had a computer, a smart phone, an iPod, and....well, okay maybe that is it...but still. This girl loved the technology and how it advanced her life. How could she ever tell time without a cell phone? Or, how could she keep in contact with friends and family without a computer and access to email? She couldn't, right? Unfortunately, the love was not mutual. Technology hated her.


A year ago her motherboard completely fried and she lost everything. The frying of said motherboard may or may not have occurred while she was viewing the personal website of Joey from Real World Hollywood and Celebrity Rehab 3. A mistake I will never make again because I am confident that it caused the crash of my computer. Don't risk it! Anyway, it turns out that the motherboard was recalled so HP fixed my computer for no money. There was a cost though...it cost me all of my data. Big sad face. I tried to get over it. Surprisingly, Apple helped ease the pain by allowing me to redownload the hundreds of songs I had purchased on iTunes that were now lost. Big kiss to Apple. For real.

So, I learned my lesson and purchased an external hard drive. (Full disclosure: purchase of said external hard drive took about a year...so what) All would be right with the world, correct? I could live through another computer catastrophe because all my data was safe and sound on my little black passport. When my computer was infected by a virus, I confidently performed a system restore. All my data was safe, so I didn't care if I had to wipe everything off my computer.

I didn't care until about two or three weeks after restoring my computer when I plugged in my external hard drive and it made a crazy noise and didn't work. That's right boys and girls. DEAD! The asshole Geek Squad man was less then apologetic or understanding and said, "it's a machine. they break." When I said all of my data was on the hard drive he shrugged his shoulders.

That's right. No picture, no music, no nothing. Clean slate. So, one year later I again had to kiss Apple's ass and send them an email begging for the rights to redownload my music. Once again they came to my rescue, which basically makes me heart them. Although, I am thinking I should just switch to a wind-up clock, a bicycle powered television, and a solar powered watch because technology clearly has it out for me.

Just Say No

For you to be able to grasp the full effect of this post I'm going to ask that you read this: My First Blog Post Ever.

It is very important that you read that first because if you don't you won't understand why you are shaking your head back and forth and giving me that "really emily? really?" look upon reading this post.


I have a habit. Or, affinity for engaging in some late night calling or texting. Not the dirty kind...just the "I might not remember this in the morning" kind. I don't really discriminate. I will contact anyone. If you are saved in my phone, you are fair game. Be warned now. Block me or something.

Anyway, I attended several holiday functions over this past month or two. Many of these functions involved lots of holiday cheer, which I consumed. So, we appropriately queue late night calling and texting at this point. What's the harm you say? A sibling? A best friend here? An old roommate there? Nothing really. Totally harmless. Right? Wrong.

Real fast, I'm just going to say that they really should devote some time in DARE teaching kids about the dangers of drinking and dialing. Maybe Nancy Reagan will jump on board and do some Just Say No shit. She was all over that in the 80's. (P.S. I did just have to google Nancy Reagan to make sure she was still alive and available for said Just Say No campaign. Turns out she is. Also turns out that her real name is Anne Frances Robbins. Like, for real. I'm feel a little duped, Nancy Reagan. If that is even your real name...oh wait, IT ISN'T!)

Anyway, let's fast forward to the part where I discovered that douchebag's (mentioned in the post that you were required to read earlier) phone number wad still saved in my phone. That's right...we're going down that road. Totally text him. Four months later. No communication since said facebook message...not even a response. Yep. Who is awesome now?

Making matters worse, he responded the next day. Later that night he had his roommate try to pull some grammar school sleep over tactic on me as he text me and was all "who is this? I have your number saved in my phone, but no name. I'm trying to figure out if I should delete you." His fatal move was disclosing his real name when I responded, "who is this?" Yep, my next text was, "My guess is you can delete me. My other guess is that your roommate got a text from me last night and doesn't know who I am so he asked you to text me to try and figure it out instead of doing it himself." I totally felt like a rockstar and wanted to high five myself for that one. Douchebag immediately text me apologizing. He somehow tricked me into an hours worth of text exchanges during which he apologized like ten times and got me to agree to meet up for drinks some time which I thought would never really happen but as it turns out "some time" is actually Sunday night. (Imagine that last sentence said in one breath. No breaks. Fast like ripping off a band-aid.)

Yeah, you can shake your head. "Really Emily? Really?"

i'm alive and stuff

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or anything...I know everyone was worried. I merely had a slight fire in the power cord for my laptop that has rendered me internet-less. I came to the library just to post this for you so that you can all rest easy. As soon as my ebay power cord replacement arrives I will blog your socks off.

(the above picture is a total dramatization)

left overs

Sweet gsus it has been forever since I last wrote a real post. And I guess I have proved myself quite the liar with the whole "for real, tomorrow...I'll write tomorrow," crap I did a few days ago. In my defense, when it was a today...it clearly was not tomorrow anymore...it was today. So, I had to wait until tomorrow came. Right?
Anyway, Thanksgiving and Cuddle Gate 2009. So, I took the train from Chicago to New Jersey because I am a touch crazy about flying. Another story all together. I was pretty jazzed about the trip though. I had a couple really good books to read, some movies, and lots of sleeping to do. I bought dinner to eat on the train because we pulled out of Union Station at 6 something in the evening. Real fast, train travel is the way to go if you are a late person. I mean, not that I am or anything, just saying. I mean, I am assuming that you can show up at the train station with a little less than 30 minutes before you train leaves and still have plenty of time to check your bags and board and stuff. Just a guess.

So, I board the train and see that I am assigned an aisle seat. Not. Happy. (Jan.) I get ready to put my stuff down and this youngish guy says, "Are you in seat 27?" Why yes, yes I am. He responds, "I'm 28. Looks like it is you and me babe." Ugh. With his use of the word "babe" to me...a total stranger...I knew what I was about to do next was totally going to work. "Oh, I am totally jealous of your window seat." (Bat eyelashes, pout lip, girl stuff, girl stuff) "Take it. It's dark out anyway. I'm not going to see shit anyway." Yes, it worked. And, he is apparently an idiot. I don't want to see anything outside. I wanted to lean against the window while I slept. What I didn't know was that this whole plan would fail. Majorly. With no window...he had very few options for where he would rest his head when he slept. And, if we get technical, he chose two options...my right boob and my left. We will get to that in a second.

We have barely gotten out of Chicago and he proceeds to tell me that he is 36. Divorced four months ago. Don't worry, it was his second marriage. He has three kids. Two boys and a girl. The girl is 18 months old. Both of his ex-wives are strippers. He is done with strippers. He has been on a train since yesterday. Oh, surprise...he is traveling to the SAME DESTINATION AS ME! 24 hours together he proclaims. "We have a lot of time to get to know each other." I think, "I can't fall asleep soon enough. Does anyone have any horse tranquilizers? I would rather not get to know him further. They can be for me or for him." He continues to say that he is traveling from Texas. He hasn't been outside of Texas in 15 years. He is moving to Atlantic City to live with his dad. Winner. He can't wait to live in Atlantic City because there is "so much to do there." Oh, he is super drunk too. Sort of like frat boy drunk, but not frat boy because he didn't go to college. He lists everything he has had to drink in the last 24 hours. I wonder why he is not dead. He tells me he could never live in Chicago because there is "nothing to do here. It is the middle of no where." He again says he is very jazzed to live in Atlantic City where there is "so much to do: the beach, casinos, strip clubs, bars. They have everything." I am officially over him at this point. No you don't dis on my city! I tell him that there is surprisingly a lot to do in Chicago because it is...I don't know...just the third largest city in the country. (fact) He shrugs his shoulders and says we can talk some more, but for now he is going to go get a drink.

He comes back about two hours later...just when I am trying to go to sleep. He mumbles about being drunk and making out with some girl a few cars up. Confusing the hell out of me. Whatever. He says that she will probably "totally sleep with [him]." He asks me if he should go back and "do her." I say he definitely should because I want him gone. He leaves again.

He comes back about 45 minutes later. I have my eyes closed at this point. He ignores this and puts his arm on my legs and leans in and tells me has my back. He "won't let anything happen to me." I, stupidly, entertain this conversation and ask if he is talking about on the train because I doubt he will have to "get my back." He tells me he loves me and that even though we don't really know each other well he thinks I am a "really awesome chick." I ask if he even remembers my name because I know the answer. Surprise! He doesn't. He begs me to tell him and I say, "Emily," and roll over. He goes on and on about how Emily is "such a sexy name," which I don't even understand. How is it sexy? Like, would it wear hot lingerie if it could? Apparently it would because he says it is "mad sexy." He tries to cuddle in to me and tells me that he didn't sleep with that girl. He tells me she is a "freak." Funny, coming from him. He asks if he should bring her back to our seat. I am over this. He then says she would get really jealous if she came back here and saw us together. This is odd because we are most definitely not together. I tell him to finish his drink because I do not want the red wine in his plastic cup to spill on me when he passes out. I roll to the side and go to sleep.

I wake up several hours later and wish I could show you in person what I saw. I looked down to find his arm around my waist. And, his head resting on...MY BREASTS! We were entering a station and the train was going slowly and bumping around. I watched as his head bounced on my tits. Awesome, right? Funny thing is, I was faced with a decision and ultimately felt that leaving him there was my best bet. I didn't want to wake him up and start the talking machine. I went back to sleep.

hey!

Wow, it has been a long time since I last updated. I was on a pretty good roll there updating frequently and pow...dropped off the face of the blogosphere. I didn't slip into a coma, get hit by a bus, or any other terrible thing that you may have been imagining. I'm sorry to have kept you up all night worrying where I was. I've been safe and sound all this time. I do have some catching up to do though.

So let's jump right in. Do you know what I am terrible at? Okay besides updating my blog, apparently. Email. Mother. Effing. Subject. Lines.


I believe myself to be a relatively creative person. Right? But, no. All creativity and wit go out the window when it comes to email subject lines. As does my ability to summarize what it is that I am writing about. I end up putting some bullshit like, "hey," or "hey!" "Hello," works just as well. Oh, and I do throw out the "so..." quite often. I mean, read the fucking email. Get over what I put in the subject line. I've never been known for my ability to wrap things up quickly. There is no "long story short" with me. It is always more like, "short story long." So how on earth am I supposed to summarize a whole email in a few quick words? I am lost on this one. I get that it is email etiquette and all, but can Emily Post or who ever is in charge of the interweb etiquette world throw me a bone on this one and accept a "hey?"

#3: Small Bar...Long Date

In the movies people on dates always have some escape plan. They have a friend call and they answer it stating there has been some emergency and they need to leave. There are a few flaws with this plan:

1. It's pretty rude to answer your phone mid date. And, your date will be clued in to the fact that you aren't giving them your full attention if you are answering calls from anybody and everybody.
   
2. You would have to be pretty comfortable lying because it's got to be something really off the wall to require you to leave in the middle of the date.
3. You also have to be comfortable with your date knowing deep down you are lying....because seriously, you didn't forget an appointment or your roommate doesn't need you home for some emergency...

So you see, while in theory it seems like a flawless plan to have an out in the event that a date isn't going so well...it isn't practical. Which leads me to the longest date ever.


Okay, it wasn't the actual longest. I've oddly been on some marathon dates. Longest date at this point has been 9 hours. (I know. Don't ask.) Anyway, this date just seemed to drag on forever because I didn't have an out. And, going by the flaws listed above in the escape plan, I'm not so good at #3. I don't know how to make an exit. I don't know how to wrap things up when they aren't going well. To this guys credit, he wasn't terrible. I just wasn't feeling it.

We met up at this bar in Chicago, which is supposedly the smallest bar in the city- Matchbox. It is teeny tiny. No room inside. It is basically- wall, bar, stools, wall. There was an outside area, which we sat in. For the record, I don't like sitting outside. For the sake of trying to keep a hold on my rambliness, I will go over that at a later date.

Anyway, we sat down at about 5pm and ordered drinks. I knew right away there was no connection at all. I felt like I was on an interview or something, which generally means you don't want to make out afterwards. We talked about all kinds of first date stuff- where we were from, where we went to school, what jobs we have done, etc. I was out of topics of conversation. It was about 5:30pm or 6pm. I was hoping he was feeling the same way because there was no sake in continuing this. No. He said, "Let's order food. I am starving."

What do you do? How do you tell someone you aren't having a good time and that a free meal isn't even worth staying? Do you stay?

In my case I did. To save you on the long drawn out details, I will share that the date continued until 10pm. I lost all filter and didn't follow rules on "things that shouldn't be discussed on a first date." We talked about gross youtube videos, throwing up, seeing eye ponies, conjoined twins, kittens, nose bleeds, traveling, Fraggle Rock, and a lot of other ridiculousness.

When the meal was over, drinks were drank, and we still sat there...it verged on miserable. I would like to believe that he too was wanting to leave, but neither of us knew quite how to make an exit. Perhaps it is the Achilles heel of being too polite. Eventually at 10pm, I felt it was reasonable to say, "Man, I should go home. I have to be at work early tomorrow." That just didn't seem like an option at 8pm. He quickly agreed.

I'm not sure we hugged. We definitely didn't kiss. We said goodbye and both knew, we weren't going out again. I'm pretty sure it was the throw up talk that tipped the scales. And, I'd like to take credit for that one.

i'm not gonna make it in today

Sometimes when I get really bored I make up lists. It is a strange practice, I know. I'll give you an example: one day I had a terrible day at work and the train was overly crowded and I was generally in a funk...I made a choice to turn that funk around by making up a list of things I hate. I know that it seems odd, but as I wrote about hating when people take up two seats on the train, stubbing my toe, doing dishes by hand, people who pronounce really common words incorrectly, porta-potties, people who say they aren't hungry anymore after finding a hair in their food, etc....I started to feel better. You see, I just started laughing at all these things that got me fired up and I was suddenly in a better mood.

Well, when I was working I would frequently find myself with too much time on my hands. I prefer to be very busy at work because the stillness becomes mind numbing. I would often pass the time sending emails and surfing the internet. One day I was dreaming of being at home, so I decided to start a list of reasons one would give for not going to work. I decided to also include reasons for being late. And, I have to credit my friends because this list was emailed around and added to throughout the day.



So, next time you can't quite make it in to work...feel free to take one from the vault:

1. Throwing up
2. Migraine
3. Fever
4. Power went out
5. No hot water
6. Roommate went to the hospital
7. Dog threw up (won't stop)
8. "Not feeling well"
9. Family member ill
10. Insomnia the night before
11. Basement flooded
12. Car won't start (wouldn't work for me)
13. Dog ran away
14. Cat ran away
15. Friend had a baby
16. Stomach pains
17. up all night coughing
18. Toilet overflowing and have to wait for a plumber
19. Gas leak at house
20. "Personal emergency"
21. Stomach flu
22. Cramps/ heavy flow
23. Not safe to leave the house
24. Stalker
25. Car vandalized
26. Car accident
27. in jail
28. Abducted by aliens
29. Held for ransom
30. Lost
31. Hung over
32. Don’t feel like working
33. Doctor's appointment
34. Abortion
35. Food poisoning
36. Protesting
37. Panic attack
38. Religious holiday
39. Dizzy
40. Passed out in the shower
41. "Not feelin' it"
42. Diarrhea
43: parents surprised me with coming in town
44: pet died
45: dumped the night before
46: updating my resume
47: job interview
48: I might have swine flu
49. Sprained my ankle
50. I have other plans

P.S. 90% of these are a joke, but some asshole on the internet decided to write an article about how to properly call out...weird.

oh, i'm jumping on that bandwagon

so, i recently started this whole blog thing. one may not know it based off of the excessive number of posts i've made in the past few days; however, if one were truly following the blog one would know that i am unemployed and have more time than the average person on my hands.

anyway, i stumbled across a jewel of a blog today: The Rest is Still Unwritten. seriously, this dude is amazing. besides the fact that he is an amazingly raw, real, and emotional writer...he is super cute. but really, you don't even need to see his picture to love this guy. the way he writes and the things he says make you (or at least me anyway) want to be loved by him. perhaps i am crazy. all i'm sayin' is just read his blog before you judge.

he wrote this post where he shared 101 things about him. it was chock full of random facts about him...stuff most people wouldn't know. now, if you know me really well, you know that i have a book on my coffee table that is basically this same principle, "Dailey Dose of Emily." (P.S. the first entry is that i can not spell...i know that daily was misspelled.) but, i was inspired to write more. or to try to at least. perhaps there will be some repetition, but just as my new blog crush i will attempt to be completely honest...rolling funny, sad, shocking, scary, silly, and the like all into one.

1. i was voted Best Personality in high school, but i am afraid to go to my reunion because i don't think anyone will remember me. the truth is that i only really won because so many people got nominated that i was the one with the majority...it wasn't overwhelming though.

2. i have in irrational fear of peeing my pants. when a bathroom is not immediately accessible i suddenly have an overwhelming urge to pee. (for the record i have not peed myself in over two decades)

3. i remember the night we moved out of the house we shared with my dad. my mom's friend's yelled at me for having so much shit under my bed. really? was that the appropriate thing to do to a young kid who really didn't know they were moving?

4. i wanted a SkipIt so bad in third grade. all the cool girls had them on the playground.

5. i never got one.

6. i one upped them and got a boyfriend.

7. i get ridiculously excited about buying new panties and have spent more money at victoria's secret than i should admit to.

8. my mom didn't know that my new year's resolution in high school to "stop falling asleep on the bathroom floor" had nothing to do with me working late hours and everything to do with me smoking pot.

9. my brother, cousins, and i made up this story about a dead dog that was kept under the bed at my grandmother's house. we use to try to get my youngest cousin (who wasn't in on secret) to stick her hand down the side of the bed to touch it. we laughed when she wouldn't and started crying.

10. i've never cheated on someone.

11. i've been cheated on more times than i would like to think about.

12. i wonder if it is me or that i have terrible taste in guys.

13. i always won the sit and reach competition in school.

14. i secretly wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom.

15. my dad has told both my brother and i at one point that we were adopted. he probably kept the joke alive longer than necessary- neither of us really are adopted.

16. i am really good at fake crying.

17. i've always said that i would marry a guy if he bought me breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream.

18. i go so far out of my way to make my partner happy that i probably turn them away.

19. my parents have told me that when i was a kid and we would eat at this one particular restaurant all i would order and eat was cole slaw

20. i have memories of cheating on a spelling test in first grade.

21. i memorized the homeless people on my route home from work and would get worried when i didn't see them...i was afraid something happened to them.

22. i went to europe for five weeks in college. i got really homesick even though i was with by brother and his best friend. and i did go to school anywhere near "home," so it didn't really make sense.

23. i've never ridden a horse.

24. i loaned an ex-boyfriend $500 to pay for his DUI lawyer because he couldn't stop drinking and save money. he never fully paid me back. surprise.

25. my heart melts when guys kiss me on my forehead.

26. i talked to my dog alfie as if he were going to respond.

27. i drank about a bottle and a half of vodka when we put him to sleep.

28. i still miss him.

29. when i see a large grassy hill or field i have this overwhelming urge to take off running toward it.

30. i giggle if someone farts in the stall next to me.

31. if i see something in a store that i like...i touch it.

32. i miss my brothers more than they know.

33. college was the first school i went to for more three years.

34. i got a tattoo with my best friend because we were eating breakfast and couldn't think of anything else to do that day.

35. i never throw away the fortunes from fortune cookies. i think it is bad luck.

36. i've spent the entire day in a towel watching tv because i was too lazy to put on clothes after a shower.

37. on two occasions i called in sick to work saying that the dog was throwing up...the dog was not throwing up.

38. i have no gall bladder, well, except for the stuffed one my friend bought me.

39. my heart still beats fast when i watch My So Called Life and Jordan Catalano grabs Angela's hand in the hallway so that everyone can see.

40. i once told a doctor i was 16 after he asked my age. i was 18. i don't even know why i said it.

41. it still makes me happy when Rerun jumps on the back of the truck at the end of the credits for What's Happening!!

42. i recognize it would make more sense for the punctuation after What's Happening to be a question mark, but the show uses two exclamation points.

43. i think i started experiencing major depression in high school. my parent's thought i was just being overly dramatic and perhaps i did too. all i know is that i couldn't make it stop.

44. my parents never talked about God at home, so i become really uncomfortable talking about him with other people. i just don't know if i think it is one of those things you should talk about or just let it be private.

45. out of stubbornness i peed in a trashcan because my older brother wouldn't get off of the toilet. i could have used another bathroom. (i was probably 7 years old for the record)

46. i bite the inside of my cheek when i am nervous.

47. after my first kiss the boy tried to do much more. he didn't care that i said no.

48. i have more pillows on my bed than any one person needs.

49. i really only use two to sleep with. i like the rest there to make the bed feel more full.

50. i started skiing when i was four years old.

51. i sometimes felt hypocritical working at a domestic violence shelter when i continued to ignore what happened in my own family.

52. i become more passionate talking about domestic violence than probably anything else i ever talk about.

53. i worry more than i let on that no one really loves me.

54. i moved to nashville because a boy broke my heart.

55. i told a boy i was dating he was gay...because he was. he cried and said he was scared. i held his hand.

56. he is my friend today, but i probably still love him.

57. i can drink most guys under the table.

58. i never turn down a free shot.

59. i started wearing a bra before any of the other girls in my class. i was really embarrassed about having boobs and didn't want anyone to know.

60. i still sometimes think my boobs are overwhelming.

61. i secretly find it sexy when guys smoke.

62. some of my most fond memories of my mom are from when she was sick and i would crawl in bed with her. i felt like she really needed and wanted me there.

63. some days i can't get out of bed. i would like to...i just don't know how.

64. i never told anyone how abandoned i felt after they said they would be there for me...and weren't. it was as if everyone left me alone at that doctor's office.

65. i feel much safer on a plane when the flight attendants are walking around. when i was younger and afraid to fly. i would push the attendant call button just to make them get up and walk over to me. i knew that if we were crashing they wouldn't do that.

66. i am almost always running low on or out of toilet paper.

67. i don't know how to whistle or snap my fingers.

68. i didn't dissect animals in middle school because the "cool" girls weren't doing it. i wasn't really all that grossed out.

69. i want to be swept off my feet by someone who loves me in a hoodie and yoga pants.

70. i give a pretty good back massage.

71. i know i really like someone if i'm not nervous to be naked in front of them.

72. i use to write fake diary entries when i was little because my stepsister wanted to read what i wrote.

73. i started watching soap operas when i was nine. i got hooked because my grandfather watched them. whenever we would see each other we would talk about the latest love triangles.

74. i've never had anyone really close to me die. i am terrified for it to happen.

75. i have a box labeled "stuff only i care about." it couldn't be more true.

76. i had a troll collection when i was a kid. it is rather embarrassing how large it was.

77. what is even more embarrassing is that i can't bring myself to get rid of any of them.

78. i've never stolen anything, well that i can remember.

79. i regularly wonder if my friends really like me because i have a hard time liking myself some times.

80. my hair gets really messy when i sleep and i call it chicken hair. my family has adopted the phrase and we use it as if it is a real word.

81. i always felt like i was compared to my older brother growing up and that i could never be as good as he was. i spent a lot of time trying to be like him but never feeling like i measured up. what i am now realizing is that there was no "as good as" because we are just different people...you can't measure us like that.

82. i am excited to move into an assisted living community one day. i can't wait to just hang out with my friends and do nothing.

83. i think breakfast for dinner is a cop out and when i have a family of my own i will not make them eat it.

84. there is nothing sexier than waking up in the middle of the night next to someone and continuing as if you never went to sleep.

85. the thought of living in the suburbs now scares me.

86. when i'm in a relationship, i never do the whole "i've got a headache" thing.

87. my mom, brother, and i lived in a trailer park for a few months after my parents separated.

88. i don't usually know how to back down in a argument.

89. i had two imaginary friends growing up.

90. peppy party was the main one.

91. amy was the other. she was my sister. she lived in florida, but was dead because she smoked cigarettes.

92. i obviously had an overactive imagination when i was younger.

93. i convinced by older brother to flood our upstairs bathroom with me when i was about four or five. i have no idea why i was doing it...or why he went along.

94. my mom says she had trouble yelling at me when i was a kid because i would just laugh and she couldn't keep a straight face.

95. i don't really sound like an adult on the phone.

96. although i am extremely indecisive, when i make a decision i firmly believe in it and rarely ever waiver.

97. watching the videos from when my little brother was on tour with his band make me realize he is probably cooler than me.

98. i don't always wash my hands in a public restroom. for some reason, i think it makes them dirtier. for that reason i try to always carry hand sanitizer.

99. i think pigeons are beautiful.

100. when i hold hands with someone i want my hand to be on the bottom.

101. there are people out there that probably don't know it, but they saved my life.

in my free time...

Quite a broad statement, I know. As you should be aware, after reading my first post, I am unemployed. So, free time is quite a relative term. All my time is really free. One would think that I could get all kinds of shit done with all this extra time of "not working." Well, one would be wrong. Let me tell you why...summer. Yep, I blame summer for my lack of productivity these past few days.

People love to talk about summer in the winter and pump it up. I'm never fooled. Summer never pulled the wool over my eyes and I didn't drink that summer lovin' Kool-Aid that obviously others drank. Although I do love me some Kool-Aid. I am not excited for hot sweaty weather that allows us to know what it would feel like to walk straight into a dog's mouth...hot, humid, and sticky. No thank you "Dog Days of Summer" I will stick to my nice air conditioned room. This brings me to my unproductivity. I don't like being hot. I never have. Ever. I am cranky, miserable, uncomfortable, and sweaty. And, this has always been the case.

I was never one of those kids who loved being outside running around in 100 degree temperatures. Nope. I preferred the inside…preferably the air conditioned inside. When I was little I use to spend summers at my grandparents' house. Inevitably, all of my aunts and uncles would decide to send their children to my grandmother’s house as well during the same few weeks…so, we would all be up at my grandmother’s house. Now that I think about it, I don’t even know where we all slept because there weren’t enough beds. I had a bed. Who knows where Tory and Keirsten slept. Anyway, we would all be there. Most kids ran around, rode bikes, and did kid stuff outside. I am at somewhat of a loss when it comes to that stuff because I didn’t participate. No way. So, I stayed inside and strengthened my love for all things inside- namely, television...particularly daytime television. Yes, I watched soap operas before I was even ten. Get over it.

Now, the inside wasn’t perfect. My grandparents did not have air conditioning, which even my nine year old self hated. I have clear memories of my spoiled ass laying in bed at night sweating and crying wishing I was at home in the air conditioning. It had nothing to do with being home sick. Nope. I was just uncomfortable and enjoyed cool temperatures. But, the disdain for warm temperatures and my propensity to sweat did not start there. No no my friend. Apparently I was a sweaty mess as a baby. Yep, my dad lovingly called me his “Little Sweat Ball,” and still does today if I am near him on a hot day (because I am most definitely sweating.)Every girl's dream, huh, to be known by her father for her over active exocrine system (to boot I have overactive sebaceous glands too…hot I know…don’t worry…I shower daily).

Anyway, all of that to say, I don't like being hot. I never have. As a baby, my body did all it could to fight off the heat (see: crying and sweating like crazy), and today I fight the heat pretty much the same way...just add in some laziness and sleep. Yep, I am pretty much the opposite of a bear. I want to hibernate in the summer and go wild in the winter.

Really, back on topic this time...I haven't gotten shit done since getting laid off and it is the summer's damn fault. Every time I even think of going outside to do something productive I remember how hot it is and how cold my apartment is and I think of some reason why I need to stay in. And P.S. these reason are never good. So, I am waiting for the leaves to begin falling because momma needs to be productive and make some money and nothing is getting done if the temperatures are anywhere near 80 degrees.