mono y mono

holy shit it has been a long time. i don't even know how i got out of the groove of writing. i use to want to put everything here in this blog, but then one day i didn't. one day turned into a week and then months got away from me.

it would be totally awesome if i could say that a whole lot has changed in my life. on some levels it has, but on most it is about the same as where i left off.

i'm still working. i still have that awesome CTA story to share. and, i still wish i could sleep in every day.

i've been itching to get back into this blog. it's sort of like a phantom pain...you know the one you get when you have a limb amputated and you have an itch that you can't scratch because your arm isn't even there anymore. or maybe that analogy doesn't make sense at all. either way, i wanted to write again so here i am.

i got some interesting news recently. turns out i had mono and never even knew it. i sort of got pissed off because i couldn't get mono to save my life in high school when i wanted it and then i get it and didn 't even know it. i would totally have milked the mono sympathy train for all it was worth. because everyone knows that if you can milk any kind of train it is a sympathy train.

anyway, i am choosing to believe that i had mono while i was not working which would shed some light on to my marathon sleeping. not that i'm not a little proud of my ability to sleep for 24 hours straight, but it isn't normal. all this time i thought i was super bored and i may have been sick. good thing i never played any contact sports while i was unemployed or my pancreas could have totally ruptured. i dodged a bullet there.

a little bit of nothing and a whole lot of other stuff

Who lost all knowledge of how to juggle a life and work? This girl. I was basically off the grid last week. This work thing is much more time consuming than I remembered. With nine or so hour days and a commute that is over an hour both ways...I am spent when I get home. I look at the clock and cry a little on the inside knowing that I have only about three hours to do shit before I need to go to bed if I want to sleep for 8 hours. And who has slept for 8 hours every night this week? Not this girl. I've been rockin' like 6 or 6.5. Totally unlike me and the cause of my marathon sleep session on Saturday.

I have good news to report though. I am totally digging my job. I know it is temporary and I know that I have only been there a week and a day, but I like it. I tried to enter this work experience with a different attitude and approach than I have ever really taken before...and it is working. I do think I have always been a relatively good employee (see: awesome), but I think this new approach I am taking is making me happier and an even better employee and coworker. So yeah. I like what I am doing. The program is totally awesome and I just know it will make some monumental changes in the lives of others. I'm sad that it is temporary and sort of a band-aid fix for the clients we are working with...but, change doesn't happen overnight and it is often about small victories.

Anyway, in my last post I went on and on about how I didn't do much during work sabbatical. (Yes, I realized it wasn't a sabbatical. It just sounds so much nicer than unemployment.) I feel the need to share the things that I did get to do with my time off that I may not have shared with you...

• Got a library card
• Hung curtains in my room
• Watched the 5th season of Weeds
• Returned to being a brunette after spending four months as a blonde
• Rearranged the furniture in my apartment 3 times
• Finished a photo album I've been working on for at least 3 years
• Learned to fold origami cranes
• Hung pictures on my walls
• Used my sewing machine
• Got a second tattoo
• Sat in the audience for a taping of Oprah
• Watched seasons 1-3 of 30 Rock
• Began painting one nail off
• Went on some bad dates
• Read A Million Little Pieces (and loved it)
• Took a yoga class
• Downloaded a shit ton of music
• Drank a lot of wine
• Visited my dad for over a week...which I haven't done since perhaps middle school
• Ended a friendship
• Went on long walks in the city
• Memorized my library card number
• Hung out with my high school best friend
• Went to a candy convention
• Made almost all my Christmas presents by hand
• Threw up in a cab (it was New Year's Eve...give me that)
• Installed my window air conditioner all by myself
• Met one of my new favorite bloggers for drinks and Mexican food
• Rode on the back of a scooter for the first time
• Realized I don't hate all salad dressings
• Went to Wisconsin
• Helped my mom do flowers for a wedding
• Met Craig Ferguson
• Talked on the phone for hours to my best friend
• Learned who my real friends are
• Bought a plant for my apartment, so I was not the only living thing here
• Ordered spray paint online
• Went to a St. Louis Cardinals game
• Saw Michal Jackson's childhood home
• Got taken care of by my mom
• Made coffee at home
• Started this blog

So, I did a whole bunch of nothing...but, I also did a whole lot of stuff too. I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have to set my alarm in the morning, but I am glad to be where I am right now. I don't think I can ask for much more.

P.S. I have an AMAZING CTA story for you, but you will have to wait a few days. A girl can only write so much when she is trying to get adequate sleep.

10 months and four days...

That's right, 10 months and four days ago today I worked my last day at my former job. It was the day that I was laid off and quasi dumped via a Facebook message (I say "quasi dumped" because we weren't even dating and he was way over dramatic).

When I started writing this blog I had grand ideas that it would be some Adventures in Unemployment (a la Adventures in Babysitting); however, unemployment wasn't all I dreamed it would be. I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't totally bitchin' to never have to wake up or go to sleep at a set time. I won't say that never having to say, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow," wasn't awesome. Visiting my family for over a week, did it. Had friends come in town, check. Okay, it unemployment sort of did rock. However, it sucked too. I lived on hardly anything. I got stuck on an insane sleep schedule. I lost all idea of purpose. I would go days without leaving my apartment. And, I missed almost a whole year. If it were a drink...unemployment would have been half empty with only a little bit of goodness at the bottom. So, the blog didn't really chronicle my adventures in unemployment. I apologize.

But wait, you caught on to the fact that I speak of unemployment in the past tense? That's right bitches...I started a new job today. It fell in my lap and I did little to no work to get it. Before anyone who is unemployed stops following me or gets all pissy because I did very little to break the unemployment trend...take satisfaction in knowing that it is temporary. It is a four month program that I was asked to help start up. It is somewhat impossible to sum up my first day. I was busy, but didn't even have an assigned desk and didn't even know what my actual title was until about noonish. So, we will see.

The good news for you is that I will have some fucking awesome CTA stories to share. I basically travel the length of the red line to get to work. On the way home, while waiting for the train, I was approached by a man who looked about my age. He said, "you got a man at home?" I said, "Yes," which is a lie but who wants to tell a stranger on the train platform, "nope...I'm single. I've been that way for a little while now." I will answer that...no one. Anyway, he then said, "well, it won't hurt if we are friends." I, for some unknown reason, entertained this and said, "no, it won't hurt." He responded, "well, it might a little." I put my iPod ear buds in at that point.

Later bitches. I have to get to be because I have to be at work tomorrow. Weird.

stroke of genius

About a year and a half ago I watched a video on TED.com where Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, discussed a stroke that she had in December 1996. She spoke of the two hemispheres of our brains and the different functions they are responsible for. As she shared her story of the morning of her stroke, she discussed how she became acutely conscious of those two functions: the right hemisphere that connects us as beings of the outside world, where we are "at one with all that is;" and the left hemisphere that allows us to recognize our beings as being individual from all else that is in the universe. During her talk she discussed how the left hemisphere of her brain was effected by the stroke, yet tearfully shared the positive experience of losing the ability to separate herself from the universe and live (if only for moments) in a space where she was truly connected to all that is.

At the end of her talk she challenged those in the audience to make choices regarding which hemisphere we allow to guide our lives. She questioned the audience as to what they would choose. She stated, "I believe that the more time we spend choosing to run the deep inner peace circuitry of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will project into the world and the more peaceful our planet will be."

It inspired me. At the time, I was experiencing stress at work and it reminded me again why I chose to be in a helping profession. It reminded me why I chose to go to work each day.

It seems as if eons have passed since that reminder. I'm not exactly sure what path I am supposed to take in life. What I do know is that I hope to be a part of a large change in the world. I want to make great waves and leave my footprint. I want to leave things better when I leave then when I enter a space...this space...any space. While I feel lost on how to make that happen, I am reminded that I need to find a way to figure it out. I need to reconnect.

Here is her talk. I think it can change your life:

i'm leaving on a midnight train to georgia...

....okay it is really a 6:30pm train and I am going to New Jersey, but it sounds better saying it that way.

Yep, I can't wait! I am also jazzed about this long train trip. I know. I am crazy. I have two Netflix movies and three books and plan on updating my iPod. Even though, if I am totally honest, I will probably sleep for a good 85% of the 23 hour trip. That's right. I can sleep for a really long time. Deal with it.

Before I leave I need to do laundry, wash probably every dish I own because they all sit dirty in my kitchen, change the sheets on my bed, clean up the mess I have made of my apartment, and pack. Just a few things, ya know? So, what am I doing right now with this long To Do list waiting to be completed? Lounging my my office (i.e. my bed). Have I said before how much I enjoy not working? If not, I heart not working.

I had an awesome weekend. I decided to forgo the Halloween public debauchery this year and had a spooky sleep over with my boys. We watched scary movies, ate pizza, drank wine, and did a little yelling at the TV. I was a total scary movie virgin, so they took the liberty of popping my horror flick cherry. Too much? Never.

We watch three scary movies back to back. I rather enjoyed myself minus the bad dreams I had that night. I kept waking up expecting to see that Freddy had slashed my PJ's or something. Good news is that that never happened.


The next day we got coffee, walked around, and then grabbed lunch. We capped the day off with a two or three hour discussion about the future of our world. In the end we decided we needed to move close to the border of Canada just in case shit starts to go down in America. It's basically a flawless plan.

I leave you with the funniest quote of the weekend. (Knowing that I don't work is key to getting the funny.)

Alex: I love lazy Sundays.

Me: Me too...oh wait....

Everyone turned around and glared at me. They act like I make them work.

all aboard

So, I came to this realization the other day that I haven't seen my dad in over a year. That just seems like such a long time. It is not because we have some strained relationship or tension. We don't. I guess that not seeing him has become normalized for me and I let a year get away. There is much more detail I could go into about my relationship with my dad and whatnot, but I will leave that for another post. Today, I will be talking about what came from my realization that it had been 15 months since I had seen my father.


Visit him. Yep, pure genius. I know. Amazing isn't it? With all this time off. Not working and all, why not visit him? Money has been a factor, but I came up with an even more ingenious plan. I called my dad up and said, "Wouldn't it be great if I could come to New Jersey for Thanksgiving?" He said that it would and I responded, "I have been thinking. What if you bought me a ticked to come see you for Thanksgiving? That could be my Christmas present. You wouldn't have to get me anything else."

So, a ticket hasn't been purchased at this point, but I am feeling pretty optimistic that it will be. I am actually really pumped. Not that I don't get excited to see my dad and the rest of my family...it is just that it feels like it has been so long. I am excited to just hang out. Eat lots of good food. Do a puzzle with my grandmother. Show my grandfather pictures. Laugh with my cousins about stuff we did when we were kids. Just enjoy my family. So fingers crossed that everything works out.

Oh, and because I don't do things without a touch of crazy I need to note that this ticket I am requesting is an Amtrak ticket. Before you go freaking out that I am opting to spend 20 some hours on a train as opposed to 2 hours in a plane, I need to explain. One, I do not like flying. I actually hate it. I actually feel like someone is torturing me. Terrible. Anxiety. This doesn't mean I don't do it. I do, but when I have all the time in the world why do I need to go the quick and painful route? Second, I actually really enjoy the train. Like, I embarrassingly love it. I. Heart. Train. And third, the ticket was cheaper because it is like the busiest travel time for airlines. People normally don't have the time for train travel over the long weekend that is Thanksgiving. I do. So, I am going Amtrak.

However, the above does not really get at my crazy. This does:


Yep, somehow I found myself on the Federal Railroad Administration Office of Safety Analysis website looking up train wreck statistics. Awesome.

I came across this a few days ago and couldn't put it out of my mind. Sometimes the most simple of signs are the ones we need to see the most. And, when we need to see them, they make an impact.

This whole unemployment thing that I've been doing for the past couple of months has been an interesting journey. It is odd. I have almost forgotten what it is like to actually get up for work and have a daily responsibility. My weeks generally revolve around two or three different commitments. After that, the rest is up to me. Regrettably, I have not been making the most of that time. I will say that I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. Extremely. Hard. In the past couple of weeks I have been struggling with my purpose. I put a lot of stock in my purpose in life...the footprints I leave in this world. I've begun to fear that no matter how hard I walk right now...those footprints are non-existent. It's one of my biggest fears.

I will admittedly share that I am not really looking for a job, which makes it a little difficult given that I put a lot of emphasis on my career to give my life purpose. The fact that I am not even looking is much to the chagrin of some of my closest friends and some family members. There is a reason for my decision though. In addition to putting stock in leading a purpose driven life...I put an equal amount in happiness. I fear that I won't find happiness if I just seek out any random job that will hire me. I want to find it within. What better way to do that then to have all the time in the world to discover it?

You see, if I were a betting woman I would say that all my chips get evenly split between purpose and happiness. I just truly believe that when you do that...all in...the returns are tenfold.

For those who are concerned, I do have a plan. I'm working with two great friends on a start-up company, which I am over the moon excited about. I really do believe that it will be a great thing and afford all of us some amazing opportunities to be happy, creative, playful, energetic, free, expressive...

So, in the mean time, I wait. I've had big plans to do this "Month of Emily" thing. I've wanted to focus on discovering happiness, taking care of me, and doing good things for myself. For some reason, it just seems to get fucked up on day two (okay maybe one) every time I try. It is just that in this time I have a lot of varying emotions: excitement for what may be, anxiety for what currently is, paralysis from fear, and a host of others. They seem to get in my way.

Perhaps the trick is simply saying it out loud (or as out loud as the blog allows). Today, is day one of the "Month of Emily." I will work on making sure I don't hold back on any of my proverbial chips and place them all in happiness and purpose. Holding back gets you in trouble.

As simple as that sign is, it was just what I needed to see. Everything is going to be amazing. I don't need to worry. All I need to do is play my part in making it a reality.

Again with F*cking Disney stuff...

I just got off of the phone with my little brother. He called because I emailed him this video. You see, after I wrote my last post with this video linked I became nostalgic and started watching other videos. Twenty minutes later after singing along I had this out of body experience where I saw myself watching effing Disney videos on youtube at about 1AM...I wanted to hide from myself because it was that embarrassing.

Anyway, I sent my brother the video (linked above) because he was this huge Lion King fan when he was little. He would bring all of his stuffed animals into the living room and blast the soundtrack. It always ended up with him hobbling around and triumphantly holding his Winnie the Poo stuffed animal up in the air (a la Rafiki and Simba).


Oh, he would also sit at his little plastic piano and pretend to be Elton John as he would sign along to Can You Feel the Love Tonight.

As a twelve year old, I didn't find this cute. As an almost twenty-eight year old (yes, my birthday is one week from today even though I am sure you already know that because it is on your calendar and you have a countdown just like I do), I think it is adorable and it makes me miss my brother.

This brings us to today. He called to say he got my email and it made him laugh. He asked what I was doing and why this even crossed my mind. I explained the whole Little Mermaid link from my last post and he started laughing. He then busted out, "Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat? Wouldn't ya think my collections complete?" He laughed. I laughed. And then I said, "Wouldn't ya think I'm a girl, a girl who has everything." He again laughed, as did I. Then he says, "I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty." To which I joined in, "I've got whozits and whatzits galore. You want thingamabobs, I've got twenty." Five minutes later finishing the song off...we officially became losers.

This, right here, is why I need a job.

activities

Amazing? What?

I washed and folded four loads of laundry today.

Suck on that, dirty clothes.

in my bed

I have this weird habit of hoarding stuff in my bed. Let me clarify a few things.

My room doesn't look like this:


I'm not going end up like this poor woman and die in underneath the rumble in my home. And, my bedroom is my whole house given that I live in a studio apartment. So, let's stop the judging.

Anyway, about what I was saying...hoarding. I just spend lots of time in my bed. I am usually in or on my bed when I am home; therefore, a lot of stuff ends up in my bed.

So, let's play, "What's in my Bed?"

1. 10 pillows (not too crazy)
2. the remote for my DVD player
3. a plastic bag
4. two hoodies
5. a toolbox
6. two books, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" and "The Five Love Languages"
7. a pair of glasses
8. a business card
9. my cell phone
10. a spoon
11. a hair clip
12. a receipt

Believe it or not, it has been worse.

Needless to say, "clean the room" is on tomorrow's agenda.

rain, rain, go away?

I just go off of the phone with Rebecca. While we were on the phone she asked, "Is it raining there as much as it has been here? I feel like it hasn't stopped for a month."

I responded, "No. It hasn't been raining that much." I then paused and said, "Well, I don't really go outside everyday, so I could totally be making that up."

Note to self: go outside or open blinds at least once a day.

vodka, sprite, and a splash of irony

I went to a charity event this evening. It was hosted by the agency I used to work for. The agency that just laid me off. (There is a little more to the story, but who really cares about details?)

All night (as I enjoyed the open bar) I kept giggling to myself thinking how funny it would be to go up to other attendees with tears in my eyes and say, "I hope they make enough money tonight for me to get my job back," and then walk away.

there's always tomorrow

Another day, another failed attempt to wake up at a respectable time. I tried. I really did. I did technically wake up and respond to some emails on my phone, but never did I step out of bed. And, I quickly fell back asleep. It is amazing how sleep is the last thing I am able to do at night, but I could literally sleep until the sunsets. I don't even have to still be tired. My mind just says, "You don't really need to be awake." to which I respond, "You’ve never been more right. Goodbye daytime."

ugh, so tomorrow I will yet again set my alarm for 9am in the hopes that I will actually rise at that time. All I know is that I have a meeting at 1pm. so, regardless, I will still be up earlier than normal.

Unemployment can be a bitch when trying to maintain some semblance of a schedule.

I have to go eat breakfast though...more later.

to build a home

there are some things that i really love. you've read about some of them (if you are reading my blog...and now i furrow my brows and look sternly at you because you better be reading my blog). i love air conditioning, sleeping/naps, my friends, chickens in wheelchairs, etc.

i will get back to the things i love topic, but i first need to make a note about being unemployed. having all the time in the world allows one to do a lot. or a little depending on the productivity levels of said person. for me, what it has allowed me to do is indulge in the things i love. i love music. not just a small crush, but the kind of deep love that radiates through your body and sends shock waves through the universe. music moves me. quite often, literally. my body moves to music and so does my life. being home for more hours than most people has allowed me to have a nonstop soundtrack playing in the background. music has the ability to effect my moods and stirs emotions that few other things can in the way music does. i don't know how to describe it really. it as if the beating of my heart is synced with the rhythm of the sound. there are songs that make me want to jump out of my skin, in the best way possible, and dance across the universe. trippy i know. this isn't some drug rant, although i will fully acknowledge that it sounds like one. it is just that i felt it important to note my love for not only the sound of music, but for its feeling. i will say in a very cocky fashion that i am blessed with a really good music collection (thank you iTunes) and it is this collection that makes me smile every day. even on the days when i don't want to get out of bed or i would rather see the inside of my eyelids more than the world...i want to hear music. it gives me something. feeds my soul. so, if i had a glass to raise, i would raise it to you...music. thank you for all that you have given me in life.

(and, a big thank you to The Cinematic Orchestra for To Build a Home. it served as the soundtrack to my writing and it is a song that totally moves me.)

i'm going to switch gears a little and talk about my love for friends (not the show, but the real deal). friends are this amazing creation. there is that cliche saying about how you can't chose you family, but you can chose your friends...or something like it. well, this is going to be somewhat contradictory to that. i sort of believe that you can't chose your friends. your friends, your REAL friends are chosen for you. they are destined to be your friends. they become a force of nature.

this weekend i spent time with many of my dearest friends: having drinks, laughs, food, shopping etc. it reminded me, once again, of how fortunate i am to be able to call these people my friends. to know that they will do anything for me. and vice versa. it's an honor.

due to my current employment status, it seemed like the perfect time for a visit from one of my bestest besties. i've written a lot recently; not just here, but books and other forms. well, in one book that will probably never see a closing chapter, i wrote about rebecca and our friendship.

My friendship with Rebecca is one of those friendships they write novels and movies about (queue Sex and the City, Beaches, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, yadda yadda yadda). I can call her and say anything and trust she will just listen. She is the kind of friend that will hold your hair back when you're drunk and will then buy you a drink to celebrate when you make it out of that bar bathroom. She will also sit up with you all night smoking cigarettes and contemplating life when you leave said bar…even if neither of you really smoke. She is the type of friend you call when you are crying, laughing, sad, mad, happy, nervous…she is that friend. My best friend.

i could go on and on about my friendship with rebecca. she is just one of the few people in the universe that just get me. i can be unabashedly myself and no matter what, she will still be my friend. we often joke that we have the same brain because we know what the other is thinking or feeling without words. we have this ability to communicate with each other's soul. this weekend just reminded me once again how fortunate i am to have the people i do in my life. to know that no matter what...there is someone out there who will be there. it's a great thing to have...to have people like that.

so, to bring this full circle and to turn the music off of repeat...if i could, i'd build a home with friends being the bricks and music being the mortar. i would truly live happily ever after in that house.

time check

yep, that's right. it is after 5am. i am awake. writing a blog. i don't really know how this happened. somehow during this unemployment thing i'm doing this summer i took on the sleeping habits of an infant. societal norms...forget about 'em. i sleep on no man's schedule. well, perhaps a man that works really odd hours. but, it is a terrible schedule we'll just say that.

i've found myself awake well into the night (ehem, morning) for the past several days. it is starting to become a problem. i've shared this concern with others and have received a myriad of advice: just sleep when you are tired, take advantage of it and have fun, just lay there until you fall asleep, go to walgreens and get an over the counter allergy medicine. that last one was from my mother. she said, "it will make you drowsy and if your allergies are bothering you it will help with that too." to which i responded, "my allergies are not bothering me." and she said, "well just try it." coincidentally, my older brother told me that she gave him similar advice. when he informed her his allergies were bad she said, "go to walgreens and get an over the counter sleep aid. it will help your allergies and it will also help you sleep." to which he stated, "i'm not having trouble sleeping." she said, "well your sister is." (what?)

perhaps if my brother and I were conjoined twins it would be a good deal. you know those girls (apparently named Abby and Brittany) with the one body and two heads...well, when one is sick the other has to take the medicine. i heard it when they were on oprah or something.



P.S. i had to put this actual picture in here...not like the school photo hyperlinked above. how can two people ride one bike and get the timing right when I can barely ride a bike and I only have one brain controlling me?

HOLD THE PHONE i just found this picture:





...talk about an awkward place for your twin. "uhm, could you skewtch to the side? i need to pee."

this is meant to be no offense to conjoined twins. in fact, i can't get enough of them.

but really, back to what i was originally saying...perhaps my mom was thinking of this same principle (the Abby and Brittany medicine principle) when she "prescribed" me medication for allergies and my brother medication for sleep...there will be some cross pollination or whatever it does when one person takes a medicine and another feels the benefit. but, P.S. my mother is not a doctor or a pharmacist. you would not know it though by looking at her medicine cabinet, which by the way spills out from the actual medicine cabinet into two others...another one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen. let's just say she is prepared for anything.

anyway, the point is...i can't sleep. i did get really tired today (well, yesterday) at 7:30pm. i decided to seize the opportunity and go to bed. i figured that the worst thing that would happen would be that i would wake up at 6am or something and perhaps get back on a normal schedule. nope. 2am. i was wide awake. so my little plan failed and here i sit writing about how i wish i could be sleeping. oh, and google image searching the hell out of some Abby and Brittany. conjoined twins get me every time.

(oh, and don't believe the time stamp below...it was 4am when i started writing. after a bathroom break. a break to get some water. and, some google image searching...it is 5am)

a little something something

Dear naps,

I love you. I would marry you if I could.

Love,
emily

in my free time...

Quite a broad statement, I know. As you should be aware, after reading my first post, I am unemployed. So, free time is quite a relative term. All my time is really free. One would think that I could get all kinds of shit done with all this extra time of "not working." Well, one would be wrong. Let me tell you why...summer. Yep, I blame summer for my lack of productivity these past few days.

People love to talk about summer in the winter and pump it up. I'm never fooled. Summer never pulled the wool over my eyes and I didn't drink that summer lovin' Kool-Aid that obviously others drank. Although I do love me some Kool-Aid. I am not excited for hot sweaty weather that allows us to know what it would feel like to walk straight into a dog's mouth...hot, humid, and sticky. No thank you "Dog Days of Summer" I will stick to my nice air conditioned room. This brings me to my unproductivity. I don't like being hot. I never have. Ever. I am cranky, miserable, uncomfortable, and sweaty. And, this has always been the case.

I was never one of those kids who loved being outside running around in 100 degree temperatures. Nope. I preferred the inside…preferably the air conditioned inside. When I was little I use to spend summers at my grandparents' house. Inevitably, all of my aunts and uncles would decide to send their children to my grandmother’s house as well during the same few weeks…so, we would all be up at my grandmother’s house. Now that I think about it, I don’t even know where we all slept because there weren’t enough beds. I had a bed. Who knows where Tory and Keirsten slept. Anyway, we would all be there. Most kids ran around, rode bikes, and did kid stuff outside. I am at somewhat of a loss when it comes to that stuff because I didn’t participate. No way. So, I stayed inside and strengthened my love for all things inside- namely, television...particularly daytime television. Yes, I watched soap operas before I was even ten. Get over it.

Now, the inside wasn’t perfect. My grandparents did not have air conditioning, which even my nine year old self hated. I have clear memories of my spoiled ass laying in bed at night sweating and crying wishing I was at home in the air conditioning. It had nothing to do with being home sick. Nope. I was just uncomfortable and enjoyed cool temperatures. But, the disdain for warm temperatures and my propensity to sweat did not start there. No no my friend. Apparently I was a sweaty mess as a baby. Yep, my dad lovingly called me his “Little Sweat Ball,” and still does today if I am near him on a hot day (because I am most definitely sweating.)Every girl's dream, huh, to be known by her father for her over active exocrine system (to boot I have overactive sebaceous glands too…hot I know…don’t worry…I shower daily).

Anyway, all of that to say, I don't like being hot. I never have. As a baby, my body did all it could to fight off the heat (see: crying and sweating like crazy), and today I fight the heat pretty much the same way...just add in some laziness and sleep. Yep, I am pretty much the opposite of a bear. I want to hibernate in the summer and go wild in the winter.

Really, back on topic this time...I haven't gotten shit done since getting laid off and it is the summer's damn fault. Every time I even think of going outside to do something productive I remember how hot it is and how cold my apartment is and I think of some reason why I need to stay in. And P.S. these reason are never good. So, I am waiting for the leaves to begin falling because momma needs to be productive and make some money and nothing is getting done if the temperatures are anywhere near 80 degrees.

Really?

So, there are some things that happen in life that make you pause...look around...and wonder when someone will point to the camera in the office plant or when Allen Funt will appear to reveal that you are on Candid Camera. Seriously, some days I wait and just hope that people are drawing this one out for a while in the vain of comedic timing. People, the dramatic pause should not last hours or days. But, I will laugh when you finally reveal the camera and I will shake my finger exclaiming, "you really got me this time!"

Basically, I think it's important to point out those moments in life when you would rather be on some weird voyeuristic prime time television show with a laugh track then acknowledge that this is your life. In my case, there usually is no laugh track with the exception of the one that comes from friends hours after a stupid moment or experience...when I retell the ridiculousness of it all. Despite my love for oral storytelling, I am going to attempt to retell those moments here. Perhaps they will be told soon after they occur or I may just pull some of the ridiculous from the archives for for the sake of funny.


Hey Emily,
I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think we should continue seeing each other. I know we've only been on two dates, but I feel you deserve an explanation since things seemed to be going so well.

I do like you and I did have fun on both of our dates, I absolutely wasn't lying. However, I've been thinking about the big picture and the fact is I'm just not AT ALL in a place right now where I could start seriously dating you - which is where I saw things heading. I have this fucked up relationship with one of my best friends. I've had feelings for her for a long time.

I just really didn't think it was fair to you to walk you into that potential land mine waiting to explode. Ya know?

Again, really sorry! Believe me, you did nothing wrong and I hope you can find somebody that's good for you right now!

Sincerely,
Ben

I think the "kids" are sayin' something dumb like FML in response to something like this. I don't really subscribe to all that nonsense that the "kids" are doing. I don't enjoy abbreviations, nor am I a fan of the smiley face emoticon shit. Seriously, if I want to smile at you in an email I am much more likely to say (smiley) than actually type :) I just don't like it. To be fair, I will throw it out there that I may have used the whole :) crap in an email or text before. In my defense, it is usually used with people who don't know about my strong feelings against emoticons...my close friends know I don't like them and are use to my mockery when I type (smiley) in protest.

Anyway, that was a tangent. However, this whole things (see: blog) is a tangent and we play by my rules so I will get off topic all I want...how do you like that? Seriously though...FML or whatever. Really? A facebook message? Some background information: two dates. Get over yourself. With that said, we did have plans for later in the night. Yep, the night the email was sent. And, the plans were initiated by Ben. Oh, and don't worry...his name was not changed to protect his identity. Douchebag can stumble across this blog and find out what I really think. Tell us all how your love for your best friend is workin' out for you. Do you think you are in a 90's teen movie? Cause, I got news for you, you aren't. I'll save you the Blockbuster rental fee...this won't end up with you two deciding you need to go to the same college and make babies and live happily ever after. Nope, it will probably end with you being pretty pathetic and lusting after said best friend who was and will never be interested. Because I've got another news flash for you...if she liked you...you'd be together. Just sayin'. Anyway, the funny part about this situation (aside from the fact that we are not in high school and Facebook is not the appropriate platform for such conversation) is that it was received approximately twenty minutes after I found out I was laid off. Yep, I don't have a job. So, soak it up (I'm talking to you "kids")...this is about the only time you will see me use a stupid chat abbreviation...


FML