Tuesday, August 18, 2009

straight from the archives...

So, I laugh at my own jokes. Yep. I make myself laugh. Perhaps it's a good thing...they say you will live longer or something if you laugh a certain number of times a day. Since I can make myself laugh I guess my odds of reaching my laugh quota for the day are greater. Anyway, I also laugh at emails I write some times. I recognize that this makes me a dork. Or a freak. Or a freaky dork...whatever you want to call me. I had to pull this email out from the archives because I enjoy this one more than most other emails I've ever written. It still makes me laugh out loud...which I get brings us back to the freaky dork statement.

(a little background, this email was sent from me to my sister-in-law Stacey. i wrote the email during my week long TV ban...which didn't last one week. in my defense i had a root canal and was hopped up on drugs and was so stupid that i couldn't read anymore so i had no choice but to watch TV....anyway, enjoy!)

From: Emily [mailto:]
Sent: Sunday, January 07, 2007 1:05 PM
To: Stacey
Subject: Re: Happy 2007!

Just in case you were wondering...you aren't reading the time wrong. I am at work. yes, work! 2:24am and i am at work. you see i blame it on my TV ban. it all started when....

I got up this morning and when i walked downstairs the tv was calling my name, but no...i had to say, "sorry friend but you and i just aren't good for one another. you make me fat and frankly, all i can do is talk about you. my friends are going crazy. it is always tv this and tv that. i promise the break will be good for our relationship." i then proceeded to the kitchen where i made some eggs. i didn't dare sit in the living room to eat them though. too much temptation. so, i read my book which is appropriately named "Welcome to Temptation." it is very good by the way.

after reading some more i spent the entire day lounging around tv free contemplating what my week would look like without my trusty friend el television. i was in my "office" (cough cough my bed cough cough) where i drifted in and out of sleep. at around 5ish i got a call from rebecca asking me what i was doing. i appropriately responded, "i am about to get in the shower to get dressed for the day. what are you doing?" she had just gotten out of the shower. after much conversation we decided that sushi would be very good, so she came home and we got ready to go to...drum roll please...winner of worst service in nashville in a Nashville Scene reader's poll (not really) RuSan's. i did not have the American Re-Rising. I know it is as if you don't know me anymore. First no TV now new things at restaurants...watch out. I was thinking of taking up running this week. okay i know i have to stop with all the changes. you might pass out reading this. and that would be awkward at your new job...stacey passed out in the study with the candlestick. hehehe.

so, after dinner we came home and...nothing. what do you do when you can't watch TV? well, i figured it out. you read. (and you call your not ex-boyfriend...the not is not about the ex but about the boyfriend part...but, good news...he doesn't know how to answer the phone). so, i am almost through with this "Welcome to Temptation." i am fearing that it is close to a romance novel...the detailed sex scenes every ten pages have given it away. but, oddly enough...i am enjoying it. aaahhh am i cheating on TV with a romance novel? don't tell anyone.

So, anyway at 1am I am still up not watching TV but reading "Welcome to Temptation." The phone rings, but it is not the on-call phone [which by the way has been loving to ring all day long] it is my phone and the screen says......HUNTER! now, lets take a little diversion from the story. Think back to a time when you would have made calls at 1:00am or someone may have called you at 1:00am. what did those calls sound like? by now, i am assuming that you are thinking "this was a booty call." what else do you make a phone call to an ex for at 1:00am???? well, this is my conversation.

emily: hello?

hunter: hey.

emily: what's going on?

hunter: nothing, i am at the red door with a buddy of mine. he is walking around trying to pick up girls.

emily: oh, yeah it sounds loud where you are. are you having fun?

hunter: yeah. i saw you called. my phone is a piece of shit. it keeps dying. every time i look to see if i have a missed call it is dead.

emily: that sucks. you should get a new phone.

hunter: yeah, but i don't want to spend like $250 to buy one.

{interjection....$250! has this boy never tried to price phones. i have known him for almost two years and he has had the same phone the whole time. by now, his contract has to be up and i am sure that he can get a phone for less than $250. in fact, i would be willing to bet money he could get one for free. i didn't feel like going into this, so the conversation continued as such....}

emily: maybe you should have asked santa for a phone instead of a nintendo.

hunter: yeah, well, i liked my present.

emily: [laughing] i am loving how you inserted present for nintendo at the bar.

hunter: would you rather i say i can't wait to play zelda princess warrior on my new nintendo wii?

emily: [laughing harder] yes, i love it.

hunter: well, i'm glad. so, why did you call me?

emily: i was just calling to see if you wanted to hang out.

hunter: oh, sorry. but, it sounds like you are having a raging good time on a saturday night.

emily: how do you know i am not.

hunter: it is quiet in the background.

emily: i am at a quiet party. you are truly missing out.

hunter: i bet i am

emily: do you have to work tomorrow?

hunter: i work ever day.

emily: well, maybe we will see each other some time.

hunter: yeah. hey, my buddy just came back i'm gonna let you go. have a good night emily.

emily: you too....

i then proceeded to tell him about the DUI check points in south nashville and wished him well.

my real question is...why is hunter fucked up? he is the hardest to read person i have ever met. now, i know that the explanation is just that he was drunk and he was alone for a second at the bar and he was like...let's call someone. but, he NEVER wants to just call someone and if he does it is NEVER me. i don't know. i was just really weirded out.

i am sure that at this point you are wondering...what does this have to do with emily being at work? well, after my phone call with hunter i proceeded to continue with my book. it is very good, again. then i get a phone call. it is the overnight at the shelter. she was calling to do an approval over the phone. just a little background on shelter policy. two people must make the decision to approve or deny a person for shelter. there is only one person on the overnight. plus, if someone comes in for an intake in the middle of the night we have to call in a relief staff person because two people have to be in the building when an intake is going on.

when we approve the woman i say that if she decides to come in to call me and i will call the on-call relief staff person to come in. about ten minutes later, the overnight called back saying that the woman wanted to come in and was given directions to the drop off point. i went downstairs to get the phone number of the on-call staff person and i just couldn't do it. the staff person's name is trisha. she lives in clarksville. with her husband and three children. it takes her 45 minutes to get to work. an intake lasts about 1hr. she is paid $9. she also gets paid $10 a shift for being on call, but she does not receive it if she has to come in. so, essentially, she would drive a total of an hour and a half at 1:45a in the morning just to make $1 less. i just couldn't do it....especially since i was so awake and ten minutes away from the shelter. so, it brings us to me working at 2:24am. (in reality it is the next day right now and i am finishing this email, because the intake was over before i could finish the email, but for argument sake we will pretend i am still at work.)

i do blame this on no TV watching. because, i feel that i would have passed out in front of the TV before receiving the call about the intake. and, if i was asleep i think i would have thought twice about going in. but, if you look at it another way you could blame this on hunter. but, that is ridiculous...we all know that this is the TV bans fault.

i am going to go now.

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