Monday, August 31, 2009


Hello September. Goodbye ellipsis. Okay, I don't plan to get rid of ellipsis completely. I can't help it. I totally heart them. However, September is the month of ellipsis clean up. So, if you peruse my blog you will see many ellipsis have been turned into commas and many more made into whole new sentences. Yes, I get it. I've been using them incorrectly. Get over it.

But, I'm making an effort.

We'll see how this goes...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

unpack the box in the closet

...I think summer is over!!! Super pumped!

The weather today is absolutely beautiful. It is about 60 degrees and I got to wear a light sweater all day. Yes, I will miss flip flops; however, to be perfectly honest I still wear them until it is in the 50's.

I know I am in the minority when I say this, but I love the fall and winter in Chicago. It is one of my absolute all-time favorite things. I like layering. I love scarves and gloves. I like wearing my Uggs and having snow in my hair when I walk inside. I love walking down the sidewalk when it is snowing and everything is covered because it hasn't been plowed yet. I want to check my coat at a bar. I can't wait to hold a hot drink with both hands. I want to say, "Burrrr," when I walk outside. I can't wait to snuggle and have to use two comforters on my bed. Hell, I even want to slip and almost fall on the ice because that just means that it is my favorite time of year.

So, take a deep breath summer lovers. Suck it all in...This might be the last of your beloved warm weather (fingers crossed).

Hello Chicago cold weather, I've missed you!


Friday, August 28, 2009

i took the 145 bus back in time

That’s right folks, I did something unheard of. I left the house and it was as if I walked straight back to 2002. You know what I’m talkin' about. I didn't have my cell phone.

Take a second. Get yourselves together. I know it is shocking.

It was an odd feeling to say the least. I got halfway to my bus stop when I realized it, but it was too late to head back because I had an appointment to get to. So, I had no other choice but to brave this big old city alone.

I got my first cell phone from my dad for my 21st birthday. It was a sweet little Motorola brick phone. I’m not talking Zack Morris phone or anything. It was 2002, but it was nothing like the phones we have today. Green screen? Yes please! and ever since getting my first cell phone back in twenty aught 2 I can't remember a time that I didn't have it with me. I truly felt naked without it today.

I’ve long said that my cell phone is like my cigarette. When I am waiting for someone at a bar, I check my cell phone. When I am nervous, I fiddle with my cell phone. If I go outside to "get some air" I check my cell phone and send a text that I really don't even need to send. And today, I was experiencing some serious withdraw. It was as if I was a smoker on a nonsmoking transatlantic flight. Could someone give me some gum with minutes in it or something? I nearly went mad when I was riding the bus and all I had to do was sit there. Oh, and what time is it? No clue. I stopped wearing a watch years ago. What time will the next bus be here? I dunno, no bus tracker. What books were I suppose to buy at borders? Who knows. I don't use paper. I use the memo function on my phone. It was terrible! And, all I could think was...someone is probably trying to get a hold of me. Yep, they are probably trying really hard to get in touch with me and there is no way to do it.

How did we live like that?

I was happily reunited with my phone three hours later. However, as I walked down the hall toward my apartment with keys in hand, I paused. What if no one was trying to get a hold of me? What if it didn't even matter that I was unreachable for three whole hours?

But alas, 8 missed text messages and 7 unread facebook messages. Yep, all was right with the world and I was needed. Lesson learned. I will never let my little cell phone leave my side again.

there's always tomorrow

Another day, another failed attempt to wake up at a respectable time. I tried. I really did. I did technically wake up and respond to some emails on my phone, but never did I step out of bed. And, I quickly fell back asleep. It is amazing how sleep is the last thing I am able to do at night, but I could literally sleep until the sunsets. I don't even have to still be tired. My mind just says, "You don't really need to be awake." to which I respond, "You’ve never been more right. Goodbye daytime."

ugh, so tomorrow I will yet again set my alarm for 9am in the hopes that I will actually rise at that time. All I know is that I have a meeting at 1pm. so, regardless, I will still be up earlier than normal.

Unemployment can be a bitch when trying to maintain some semblance of a schedule.

I have to go eat breakfast though...more later.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

in the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure...

Everyone has heard the sayings, "you have to first love yourself before you can truly love anyone else," or "if you don't take care of yourself first you are never going to be able to take care of some one else." They are both the same concept. And, to a degree they really are true. When I was a counselor I use to have this conversation on a daily basis practically. True, I worked at a domestic violence shelter and it was applicable to virtually every one of my clients who had their own self worth torn from their souls by those who abused them. There was a lot of work to be done for them to see their own beauty and job was to walk with them on this journey.

I often used the analogy of riding on an airplane. For those of you who have flown before you've heard the announcement, "if you are traveling with a small child or someone needing assistance, please secure your mask first before assisting others." it is ingrained in society- take care of yourself first and then take care of other people.

Despite my history of spreading this doctrine to clients, (don't tell anyone) but I’m not sure I fully buy into this all the time. There is a time and a place, right? Clearly if a plane loses cabin pressure it behooves me to place my mask on first before passing out in the process of helping someone else. But, sometimes the needs of others outweigh mine. Or sometimes I just want to think about someone else before myself.

I had a client once who was being presented with a scholarship at an awards banquet hosted by the agency I was working for at the time. She didn't know it. She just thought that she was coming along. Coincidentally, I too was up for an award. I had been nominated for the agency's highest honor. I don't remember what it was called at this point. Basically, it was something like staff person of the year. You had to have made significant contributions to the agency and truly embodied the mission statement in all of your work. Most people probably didn't know they were nominated, but my boss told me. She said that she wanted me to know because regardless of whether or not I won she wanted me to know that she held me in this esteem. Quite an honor, to be viewed this way. I will very humbly say that there were some amazing women that worked there who on a daily basis did some phenomenal work- not just in my program, but in the other programs operated by the agency as well.

Anyway, as the ceremony began I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt as if I had opened my mouth they would emerge from my being and enter the space. They were overwhelming. Think American Beauty...the part where the rose petals rush from Mena Suvari's mouth. I had that nervous excitement where you almost lose feeling in your limbs and you can no longer sit still. It was similar to the feeling you got in sixth grade when you would have to get up in front of the class to make a presentation. (Or at least it was the feeling I would get) your heart races and you fear that if it doesn't may just jump out of your chest or burst. You can almost heart the rhythm of the beating and wonder if others can too because it is that intense. Oh, and don't even think of standing because your legs have no ability to support your weight. Yeah, I was a mess. A ball of nervous anticipation.

This wasn't for me though. When they began to read my clients story she clutched my arms and mouthed, "That’s me." I nodded my head. She sat there and stared at me with tears in her eyes. The room grew silent for a second and all of the air evaporated from the room. Her eyes grew wide as the room then erupted in applause. She shook her head and said, "I can't do it." I held her hand and nodded. She took her first breath and stood to accept the certificate and plaque. Tears streamed down her face and she continued looking over me nodding her head. After some photographs she returned to her seat and took a few deep breaths. She leaned over me and collapsed into my airs and began sobbing repeatedly saying, "Thank you. Thank you for believing in me." I pulled away and told her to look inside the envelope.

The agency president spoke.

My client said, "My hands are shaking so bad. I don't think I can take anymore. Thank you. Thank you."

She began talking about the selfless work of a staff member.

My client said, "I really don't think I can do it. What is it? This is all so much." I knew what the envelope held. I urged her to open it. That it would be okay.

She elaborated further on the work this staff member had done to walk with other as they began to end the cycle of violence in their lives.

My client hugged me and said, "I just want to say thank you. For all of this. Before I even know what is inside." I nodded.

She asked everyone to give a round of applause for Emily who worked at the domestic violence center.

My client opened the envelope and looked inside. She was all I could focus on. I felt so much joy for her. She fell toward me and embraced me sobbing. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Is this real?" I nodded and continued to hug her as long as she needed me to.

She announced the winner's full name. My colleague, Emily, stood and accepted the award.

I didn't really notice. I continued to stand there with my client who had just opened the envelope that held a check for $1000. We sat back down in our seats and she looked into my eyes. "Is this real?" I nodded with tears in my eyes and I took a breath, what felt like my first breath since her name was announced.

I didn't care what was happening around us, who won the agency award, what people thought that we refused to sit down as further awards were given handed out...because she couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. And we both cried.

You see, if there were an oxygen mask that had fallen from the ceiling, I wouldn't have put mine on first. This wasn't about me. Or, perhaps it was. You see, in that moment, I cared much more about her and her excitement. It wasn't about me nominating her or her being my client. No, it was that she was an amazing woman who had done some extraordinary work. She had a strength that I may never have. So, I didn't care about my mask. I didn't want to take care of myself or think of my award or worry about what our donors thought of me for continuing to stand up far beyond my client's "moment." no, I cared about her. And as soon as she sat down and could breathe. I regained feeling in my limbs, my heart slowed down and the noise was not as deafening, the butterflies disappeared...I could breathe.

So, I think the truth is that sometimes the way we take care of ourselves is to take care of other people. It doesn't have to be as polarized as the sayings go. You can truly be taken care of through giving to others.

Or at least, that is what works for me.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

pigeon love

...and this, ladies and gentlemen, cemented my love for pigeons.

oh, i'm jumping on that bandwagon

so, i recently started this whole blog thing. one may not know it based off of the excessive number of posts i've made in the past few days; however, if one were truly following the blog one would know that i am unemployed and have more time than the average person on my hands.

anyway, i stumbled across a jewel of a blog today: The Rest is Still Unwritten. seriously, this dude is amazing. besides the fact that he is an amazingly raw, real, and emotional writer...he is super cute. but really, you don't even need to see his picture to love this guy. the way he writes and the things he says make you (or at least me anyway) want to be loved by him. perhaps i am crazy. all i'm sayin' is just read his blog before you judge.

he wrote this post where he shared 101 things about him. it was chock full of random facts about him...stuff most people wouldn't know. now, if you know me really well, you know that i have a book on my coffee table that is basically this same principle, "Dailey Dose of Emily." (P.S. the first entry is that i can not spell...i know that daily was misspelled.) but, i was inspired to write more. or to try to at least. perhaps there will be some repetition, but just as my new blog crush i will attempt to be completely honest...rolling funny, sad, shocking, scary, silly, and the like all into one.

1. i was voted Best Personality in high school, but i am afraid to go to my reunion because i don't think anyone will remember me. the truth is that i only really won because so many people got nominated that i was the one with the wasn't overwhelming though.

2. i have in irrational fear of peeing my pants. when a bathroom is not immediately accessible i suddenly have an overwhelming urge to pee. (for the record i have not peed myself in over two decades)

3. i remember the night we moved out of the house we shared with my dad. my mom's friend's yelled at me for having so much shit under my bed. really? was that the appropriate thing to do to a young kid who really didn't know they were moving?

4. i wanted a SkipIt so bad in third grade. all the cool girls had them on the playground.

5. i never got one.

6. i one upped them and got a boyfriend.

7. i get ridiculously excited about buying new panties and have spent more money at victoria's secret than i should admit to.

8. my mom didn't know that my new year's resolution in high school to "stop falling asleep on the bathroom floor" had nothing to do with me working late hours and everything to do with me smoking pot.

9. my brother, cousins, and i made up this story about a dead dog that was kept under the bed at my grandmother's house. we use to try to get my youngest cousin (who wasn't in on secret) to stick her hand down the side of the bed to touch it. we laughed when she wouldn't and started crying.

10. i've never cheated on someone.

11. i've been cheated on more times than i would like to think about.

12. i wonder if it is me or that i have terrible taste in guys.

13. i always won the sit and reach competition in school.

14. i secretly wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom.

15. my dad has told both my brother and i at one point that we were adopted. he probably kept the joke alive longer than necessary- neither of us really are adopted.

16. i am really good at fake crying.

17. i've always said that i would marry a guy if he bought me breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream.

18. i go so far out of my way to make my partner happy that i probably turn them away.

19. my parents have told me that when i was a kid and we would eat at this one particular restaurant all i would order and eat was cole slaw

20. i have memories of cheating on a spelling test in first grade.

21. i memorized the homeless people on my route home from work and would get worried when i didn't see them...i was afraid something happened to them.

22. i went to europe for five weeks in college. i got really homesick even though i was with by brother and his best friend. and i did go to school anywhere near "home," so it didn't really make sense.

23. i've never ridden a horse.

24. i loaned an ex-boyfriend $500 to pay for his DUI lawyer because he couldn't stop drinking and save money. he never fully paid me back. surprise.

25. my heart melts when guys kiss me on my forehead.

26. i talked to my dog alfie as if he were going to respond.

27. i drank about a bottle and a half of vodka when we put him to sleep.

28. i still miss him.

29. when i see a large grassy hill or field i have this overwhelming urge to take off running toward it.

30. i giggle if someone farts in the stall next to me.

31. if i see something in a store that i like...i touch it.

32. i miss my brothers more than they know.

33. college was the first school i went to for more three years.

34. i got a tattoo with my best friend because we were eating breakfast and couldn't think of anything else to do that day.

35. i never throw away the fortunes from fortune cookies. i think it is bad luck.

36. i've spent the entire day in a towel watching tv because i was too lazy to put on clothes after a shower.

37. on two occasions i called in sick to work saying that the dog was throwing up...the dog was not throwing up.

38. i have no gall bladder, well, except for the stuffed one my friend bought me.

39. my heart still beats fast when i watch My So Called Life and Jordan Catalano grabs Angela's hand in the hallway so that everyone can see.

40. i once told a doctor i was 16 after he asked my age. i was 18. i don't even know why i said it.

41. it still makes me happy when Rerun jumps on the back of the truck at the end of the credits for What's Happening!!

42. i recognize it would make more sense for the punctuation after What's Happening to be a question mark, but the show uses two exclamation points.

43. i think i started experiencing major depression in high school. my parent's thought i was just being overly dramatic and perhaps i did too. all i know is that i couldn't make it stop.

44. my parents never talked about God at home, so i become really uncomfortable talking about him with other people. i just don't know if i think it is one of those things you should talk about or just let it be private.

45. out of stubbornness i peed in a trashcan because my older brother wouldn't get off of the toilet. i could have used another bathroom. (i was probably 7 years old for the record)

46. i bite the inside of my cheek when i am nervous.

47. after my first kiss the boy tried to do much more. he didn't care that i said no.

48. i have more pillows on my bed than any one person needs.

49. i really only use two to sleep with. i like the rest there to make the bed feel more full.

50. i started skiing when i was four years old.

51. i sometimes felt hypocritical working at a domestic violence shelter when i continued to ignore what happened in my own family.

52. i become more passionate talking about domestic violence than probably anything else i ever talk about.

53. i worry more than i let on that no one really loves me.

54. i moved to nashville because a boy broke my heart.

55. i told a boy i was dating he was gay...because he was. he cried and said he was scared. i held his hand.

56. he is my friend today, but i probably still love him.

57. i can drink most guys under the table.

58. i never turn down a free shot.

59. i started wearing a bra before any of the other girls in my class. i was really embarrassed about having boobs and didn't want anyone to know.

60. i still sometimes think my boobs are overwhelming.

61. i secretly find it sexy when guys smoke.

62. some of my most fond memories of my mom are from when she was sick and i would crawl in bed with her. i felt like she really needed and wanted me there.

63. some days i can't get out of bed. i would like to...i just don't know how.

64. i never told anyone how abandoned i felt after they said they would be there for me...and weren't. it was as if everyone left me alone at that doctor's office.

65. i feel much safer on a plane when the flight attendants are walking around. when i was younger and afraid to fly. i would push the attendant call button just to make them get up and walk over to me. i knew that if we were crashing they wouldn't do that.

66. i am almost always running low on or out of toilet paper.

67. i don't know how to whistle or snap my fingers.

68. i didn't dissect animals in middle school because the "cool" girls weren't doing it. i wasn't really all that grossed out.

69. i want to be swept off my feet by someone who loves me in a hoodie and yoga pants.

70. i give a pretty good back massage.

71. i know i really like someone if i'm not nervous to be naked in front of them.

72. i use to write fake diary entries when i was little because my stepsister wanted to read what i wrote.

73. i started watching soap operas when i was nine. i got hooked because my grandfather watched them. whenever we would see each other we would talk about the latest love triangles.

74. i've never had anyone really close to me die. i am terrified for it to happen.

75. i have a box labeled "stuff only i care about." it couldn't be more true.

76. i had a troll collection when i was a kid. it is rather embarrassing how large it was.

77. what is even more embarrassing is that i can't bring myself to get rid of any of them.

78. i've never stolen anything, well that i can remember.

79. i regularly wonder if my friends really like me because i have a hard time liking myself some times.

80. my hair gets really messy when i sleep and i call it chicken hair. my family has adopted the phrase and we use it as if it is a real word.

81. i always felt like i was compared to my older brother growing up and that i could never be as good as he was. i spent a lot of time trying to be like him but never feeling like i measured up. what i am now realizing is that there was no "as good as" because we are just different can't measure us like that.

82. i am excited to move into an assisted living community one day. i can't wait to just hang out with my friends and do nothing.

83. i think breakfast for dinner is a cop out and when i have a family of my own i will not make them eat it.

84. there is nothing sexier than waking up in the middle of the night next to someone and continuing as if you never went to sleep.

85. the thought of living in the suburbs now scares me.

86. when i'm in a relationship, i never do the whole "i've got a headache" thing.

87. my mom, brother, and i lived in a trailer park for a few months after my parents separated.

88. i don't usually know how to back down in a argument.

89. i had two imaginary friends growing up.

90. peppy party was the main one.

91. amy was the other. she was my sister. she lived in florida, but was dead because she smoked cigarettes.

92. i obviously had an overactive imagination when i was younger.

93. i convinced by older brother to flood our upstairs bathroom with me when i was about four or five. i have no idea why i was doing it...or why he went along.

94. my mom says she had trouble yelling at me when i was a kid because i would just laugh and she couldn't keep a straight face.

95. i don't really sound like an adult on the phone.

96. although i am extremely indecisive, when i make a decision i firmly believe in it and rarely ever waiver.

97. watching the videos from when my little brother was on tour with his band make me realize he is probably cooler than me.

98. i don't always wash my hands in a public restroom. for some reason, i think it makes them dirtier. for that reason i try to always carry hand sanitizer.

99. i think pigeons are beautiful.

100. when i hold hands with someone i want my hand to be on the bottom.

101. there are people out there that probably don't know it, but they saved my life.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

one of my favorite things ever...

...i think i literally shed a tear when my roommate sent me an email saying "Humpty Dumpty had a great fall." This is the picture he included in the email:

Monday, August 24, 2009

to build a home

there are some things that i really love. you've read about some of them (if you are reading my blog...and now i furrow my brows and look sternly at you because you better be reading my blog). i love air conditioning, sleeping/naps, my friends, chickens in wheelchairs, etc.

i will get back to the things i love topic, but i first need to make a note about being unemployed. having all the time in the world allows one to do a lot. or a little depending on the productivity levels of said person. for me, what it has allowed me to do is indulge in the things i love. i love music. not just a small crush, but the kind of deep love that radiates through your body and sends shock waves through the universe. music moves me. quite often, literally. my body moves to music and so does my life. being home for more hours than most people has allowed me to have a nonstop soundtrack playing in the background. music has the ability to effect my moods and stirs emotions that few other things can in the way music does. i don't know how to describe it really. it as if the beating of my heart is synced with the rhythm of the sound. there are songs that make me want to jump out of my skin, in the best way possible, and dance across the universe. trippy i know. this isn't some drug rant, although i will fully acknowledge that it sounds like one. it is just that i felt it important to note my love for not only the sound of music, but for its feeling. i will say in a very cocky fashion that i am blessed with a really good music collection (thank you iTunes) and it is this collection that makes me smile every day. even on the days when i don't want to get out of bed or i would rather see the inside of my eyelids more than the world...i want to hear music. it gives me something. feeds my soul. so, if i had a glass to raise, i would raise it to thank you for all that you have given me in life.

(and, a big thank you to The Cinematic Orchestra for To Build a Home. it served as the soundtrack to my writing and it is a song that totally moves me.)

i'm going to switch gears a little and talk about my love for friends (not the show, but the real deal). friends are this amazing creation. there is that cliche saying about how you can't chose you family, but you can chose your friends...or something like it. well, this is going to be somewhat contradictory to that. i sort of believe that you can't chose your friends. your friends, your REAL friends are chosen for you. they are destined to be your friends. they become a force of nature.

this weekend i spent time with many of my dearest friends: having drinks, laughs, food, shopping etc. it reminded me, once again, of how fortunate i am to be able to call these people my friends. to know that they will do anything for me. and vice versa. it's an honor.

due to my current employment status, it seemed like the perfect time for a visit from one of my bestest besties. i've written a lot recently; not just here, but books and other forms. well, in one book that will probably never see a closing chapter, i wrote about rebecca and our friendship.

My friendship with Rebecca is one of those friendships they write novels and movies about (queue Sex and the City, Beaches, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, yadda yadda yadda). I can call her and say anything and trust she will just listen. She is the kind of friend that will hold your hair back when you're drunk and will then buy you a drink to celebrate when you make it out of that bar bathroom. She will also sit up with you all night smoking cigarettes and contemplating life when you leave said bar…even if neither of you really smoke. She is the type of friend you call when you are crying, laughing, sad, mad, happy, nervous…she is that friend. My best friend.

i could go on and on about my friendship with rebecca. she is just one of the few people in the universe that just get me. i can be unabashedly myself and no matter what, she will still be my friend. we often joke that we have the same brain because we know what the other is thinking or feeling without words. we have this ability to communicate with each other's soul. this weekend just reminded me once again how fortunate i am to have the people i do in my life. to know that no matter what...there is someone out there who will be there. it's a great thing to have people like that.

so, to bring this full circle and to turn the music off of repeat...if i could, i'd build a home with friends being the bricks and music being the mortar. i would truly live happily ever after in that house.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Nothing says Friday... a chicken in a wheelchair

watch your back...

time check

yep, that's right. it is after 5am. i am awake. writing a blog. i don't really know how this happened. somehow during this unemployment thing i'm doing this summer i took on the sleeping habits of an infant. societal norms...forget about 'em. i sleep on no man's schedule. well, perhaps a man that works really odd hours. but, it is a terrible schedule we'll just say that.

i've found myself awake well into the night (ehem, morning) for the past several days. it is starting to become a problem. i've shared this concern with others and have received a myriad of advice: just sleep when you are tired, take advantage of it and have fun, just lay there until you fall asleep, go to walgreens and get an over the counter allergy medicine. that last one was from my mother. she said, "it will make you drowsy and if your allergies are bothering you it will help with that too." to which i responded, "my allergies are not bothering me." and she said, "well just try it." coincidentally, my older brother told me that she gave him similar advice. when he informed her his allergies were bad she said, "go to walgreens and get an over the counter sleep aid. it will help your allergies and it will also help you sleep." to which he stated, "i'm not having trouble sleeping." she said, "well your sister is." (what?)

perhaps if my brother and I were conjoined twins it would be a good deal. you know those girls (apparently named Abby and Brittany) with the one body and two heads...well, when one is sick the other has to take the medicine. i heard it when they were on oprah or something.

P.S. i had to put this actual picture in here...not like the school photo hyperlinked above. how can two people ride one bike and get the timing right when I can barely ride a bike and I only have one brain controlling me?

HOLD THE PHONE i just found this picture: about an awkward place for your twin. "uhm, could you skewtch to the side? i need to pee."

this is meant to be no offense to conjoined twins. in fact, i can't get enough of them.

but really, back to what i was originally saying...perhaps my mom was thinking of this same principle (the Abby and Brittany medicine principle) when she "prescribed" me medication for allergies and my brother medication for sleep...there will be some cross pollination or whatever it does when one person takes a medicine and another feels the benefit. but, P.S. my mother is not a doctor or a pharmacist. you would not know it though by looking at her medicine cabinet, which by the way spills out from the actual medicine cabinet into two others...another one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen. let's just say she is prepared for anything.

anyway, the point is...i can't sleep. i did get really tired today (well, yesterday) at 7:30pm. i decided to seize the opportunity and go to bed. i figured that the worst thing that would happen would be that i would wake up at 6am or something and perhaps get back on a normal schedule. nope. 2am. i was wide awake. so my little plan failed and here i sit writing about how i wish i could be sleeping. oh, and google image searching the hell out of some Abby and Brittany. conjoined twins get me every time.

(oh, and don't believe the time stamp was 4am when i started writing. after a bathroom break. a break to get some water. and, some google image is 5am)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

straight from the archives...

So, I laugh at my own jokes. Yep. I make myself laugh. Perhaps it's a good thing...they say you will live longer or something if you laugh a certain number of times a day. Since I can make myself laugh I guess my odds of reaching my laugh quota for the day are greater. Anyway, I also laugh at emails I write some times. I recognize that this makes me a dork. Or a freak. Or a freaky dork...whatever you want to call me. I had to pull this email out from the archives because I enjoy this one more than most other emails I've ever written. It still makes me laugh out loud...which I get brings us back to the freaky dork statement.

(a little background, this email was sent from me to my sister-in-law Stacey. i wrote the email during my week long TV ban...which didn't last one week. in my defense i had a root canal and was hopped up on drugs and was so stupid that i couldn't read anymore so i had no choice but to watch TV....anyway, enjoy!)

From: Emily [mailto:]
Sent: Sunday, January 07, 2007 1:05 PM
To: Stacey
Subject: Re: Happy 2007!

Just in case you were aren't reading the time wrong. I am at work. yes, work! 2:24am and i am at work. you see i blame it on my TV ban. it all started when....

I got up this morning and when i walked downstairs the tv was calling my name, but no...i had to say, "sorry friend but you and i just aren't good for one another. you make me fat and frankly, all i can do is talk about you. my friends are going crazy. it is always tv this and tv that. i promise the break will be good for our relationship." i then proceeded to the kitchen where i made some eggs. i didn't dare sit in the living room to eat them though. too much temptation. so, i read my book which is appropriately named "Welcome to Temptation." it is very good by the way.

after reading some more i spent the entire day lounging around tv free contemplating what my week would look like without my trusty friend el television. i was in my "office" (cough cough my bed cough cough) where i drifted in and out of sleep. at around 5ish i got a call from rebecca asking me what i was doing. i appropriately responded, "i am about to get in the shower to get dressed for the day. what are you doing?" she had just gotten out of the shower. after much conversation we decided that sushi would be very good, so she came home and we got ready to go to...drum roll please...winner of worst service in nashville in a Nashville Scene reader's poll (not really) RuSan's. i did not have the American Re-Rising. I know it is as if you don't know me anymore. First no TV now new things at out. I was thinking of taking up running this week. okay i know i have to stop with all the changes. you might pass out reading this. and that would be awkward at your new job...stacey passed out in the study with the candlestick. hehehe.

so, after dinner we came home and...nothing. what do you do when you can't watch TV? well, i figured it out. you read. (and you call your not ex-boyfriend...the not is not about the ex but about the boyfriend part...but, good news...he doesn't know how to answer the phone). so, i am almost through with this "Welcome to Temptation." i am fearing that it is close to a romance novel...the detailed sex scenes every ten pages have given it away. but, oddly enough...i am enjoying it. aaahhh am i cheating on TV with a romance novel? don't tell anyone.

So, anyway at 1am I am still up not watching TV but reading "Welcome to Temptation." The phone rings, but it is not the on-call phone [which by the way has been loving to ring all day long] it is my phone and the screen says......HUNTER! now, lets take a little diversion from the story. Think back to a time when you would have made calls at 1:00am or someone may have called you at 1:00am. what did those calls sound like? by now, i am assuming that you are thinking "this was a booty call." what else do you make a phone call to an ex for at 1:00am???? well, this is my conversation.

emily: hello?

hunter: hey.

emily: what's going on?

hunter: nothing, i am at the red door with a buddy of mine. he is walking around trying to pick up girls.

emily: oh, yeah it sounds loud where you are. are you having fun?

hunter: yeah. i saw you called. my phone is a piece of shit. it keeps dying. every time i look to see if i have a missed call it is dead.

emily: that sucks. you should get a new phone.

hunter: yeah, but i don't want to spend like $250 to buy one.

{interjection....$250! has this boy never tried to price phones. i have known him for almost two years and he has had the same phone the whole time. by now, his contract has to be up and i am sure that he can get a phone for less than $250. in fact, i would be willing to bet money he could get one for free. i didn't feel like going into this, so the conversation continued as such....}

emily: maybe you should have asked santa for a phone instead of a nintendo.

hunter: yeah, well, i liked my present.

emily: [laughing] i am loving how you inserted present for nintendo at the bar.

hunter: would you rather i say i can't wait to play zelda princess warrior on my new nintendo wii?

emily: [laughing harder] yes, i love it.

hunter: well, i'm glad. so, why did you call me?

emily: i was just calling to see if you wanted to hang out.

hunter: oh, sorry. but, it sounds like you are having a raging good time on a saturday night.

emily: how do you know i am not.

hunter: it is quiet in the background.

emily: i am at a quiet party. you are truly missing out.

hunter: i bet i am

emily: do you have to work tomorrow?

hunter: i work ever day.

emily: well, maybe we will see each other some time.

hunter: yeah. hey, my buddy just came back i'm gonna let you go. have a good night emily.

emily: you too....

i then proceeded to tell him about the DUI check points in south nashville and wished him well.

my real question is...why is hunter fucked up? he is the hardest to read person i have ever met. now, i know that the explanation is just that he was drunk and he was alone for a second at the bar and he was like...let's call someone. but, he NEVER wants to just call someone and if he does it is NEVER me. i don't know. i was just really weirded out.

i am sure that at this point you are wondering...what does this have to do with emily being at work? well, after my phone call with hunter i proceeded to continue with my book. it is very good, again. then i get a phone call. it is the overnight at the shelter. she was calling to do an approval over the phone. just a little background on shelter policy. two people must make the decision to approve or deny a person for shelter. there is only one person on the overnight. plus, if someone comes in for an intake in the middle of the night we have to call in a relief staff person because two people have to be in the building when an intake is going on.

when we approve the woman i say that if she decides to come in to call me and i will call the on-call relief staff person to come in. about ten minutes later, the overnight called back saying that the woman wanted to come in and was given directions to the drop off point. i went downstairs to get the phone number of the on-call staff person and i just couldn't do it. the staff person's name is trisha. she lives in clarksville. with her husband and three children. it takes her 45 minutes to get to work. an intake lasts about 1hr. she is paid $9. she also gets paid $10 a shift for being on call, but she does not receive it if she has to come in. so, essentially, she would drive a total of an hour and a half at 1:45a in the morning just to make $1 less. i just couldn't do it....especially since i was so awake and ten minutes away from the shelter. so, it brings us to me working at 2:24am. (in reality it is the next day right now and i am finishing this email, because the intake was over before i could finish the email, but for argument sake we will pretend i am still at work.)

i do blame this on no TV watching. because, i feel that i would have passed out in front of the TV before receiving the call about the intake. and, if i was asleep i think i would have thought twice about going in. but, if you look at it another way you could blame this on hunter. but, that is ridiculous...we all know that this is the TV bans fault.

i am going to go now.

Really? I only paid like $39.95 a month.

I had a friend call me the other day to ask for advice. This happens to me somewhat frequently, not like from this one friend, but friends in general. I've been told I give good advice or good feedback, stuff like that. This always makes me sort of uncomfortable...not the whole being asked part (I like that) it is the flattery that comes along with it. I mean, it shouldn't. Hopefully I am good at processing stuff with people. I was a counselor in the past and have dreams of doing it again at some point in my life. Let's hope I'm not totally shitty at listening and helping someone reflect on a situation...otherwise there may be some seriously fucked up people out there because during my tenure as a counselor I had well over a hundred clients. Let's not think about that too much. That sort of freaks me out.

I guess we just aren't taught to think about our strengths that way. For some odd reason we are socialized to turn compliments into less flattering statements. Tell a girl you like her outfit and most of the time she will say something like, "oh, I've had this for a while," or "I totally paid like $20 for this." We downplay things. We can't just say, "Thanks," or "Thank you" (either works). So, it is the practice of constantly downplaying one's successes or strong points (not that some one's outfit really counts as a success or strength, but it worked for the sake of making a point), it's this practice that causes me to say stuff like, "I'm probably giving terrible advice," or "Not that I really know what I'm talking about, but did you ever think blah blah blah?" Why the hell would I start a sentence like that? Someone at some point thought I was good at that shit. Hell, they gave me an office...with a couch! I clearly did something right.

But then it happened.

During the course of the conversation with my friend I said something like, "This is just like what happened on the Hills with Lauren..." Seriously, someone please scratch a record and make a crowd of people turn around and look at me. somebody drop your drink and your jaw. please. I deserve that embarrassment. Did I really use a Hills reference when talking to my friend, "oh this is just like the Hills..." I almost just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. What the fuck kind of counselor am I? And the truth is....I did think it was just like the Hills, which is why the whole situation is even worse and totally out of control. If I had a license (LCSW) I should really have it taken away. I guess it is good I don't have one yet. I mean, it's really good I don't have one because I would be talking about the Hills to my clients! Let's hope I get rid of all the stupid pop culture references and use them up on my friends because, seriously? I mean, not that I want my friends all fucked up and stuff, but they aren't paying for this crap that I'm saying.

So, for those of you keeping track...this was reason #437 why it is good I don't have cable: it will (hopefully) decrease the frequency with which I reference stupid reality television shows in everyday conversations.

Friday, August 14, 2009

a little something something

Dear naps,

I love you. I would marry you if I could.


in my free time...

Quite a broad statement, I know. As you should be aware, after reading my first post, I am unemployed. So, free time is quite a relative term. All my time is really free. One would think that I could get all kinds of shit done with all this extra time of "not working." Well, one would be wrong. Let me tell you why...summer. Yep, I blame summer for my lack of productivity these past few days.

People love to talk about summer in the winter and pump it up. I'm never fooled. Summer never pulled the wool over my eyes and I didn't drink that summer lovin' Kool-Aid that obviously others drank. Although I do love me some Kool-Aid. I am not excited for hot sweaty weather that allows us to know what it would feel like to walk straight into a dog's, humid, and sticky. No thank you "Dog Days of Summer" I will stick to my nice air conditioned room. This brings me to my unproductivity. I don't like being hot. I never have. Ever. I am cranky, miserable, uncomfortable, and sweaty. And, this has always been the case.

I was never one of those kids who loved being outside running around in 100 degree temperatures. Nope. I preferred the inside…preferably the air conditioned inside. When I was little I use to spend summers at my grandparents' house. Inevitably, all of my aunts and uncles would decide to send their children to my grandmother’s house as well during the same few weeks…so, we would all be up at my grandmother’s house. Now that I think about it, I don’t even know where we all slept because there weren’t enough beds. I had a bed. Who knows where Tory and Keirsten slept. Anyway, we would all be there. Most kids ran around, rode bikes, and did kid stuff outside. I am at somewhat of a loss when it comes to that stuff because I didn’t participate. No way. So, I stayed inside and strengthened my love for all things inside- namely, television...particularly daytime television. Yes, I watched soap operas before I was even ten. Get over it.

Now, the inside wasn’t perfect. My grandparents did not have air conditioning, which even my nine year old self hated. I have clear memories of my spoiled ass laying in bed at night sweating and crying wishing I was at home in the air conditioning. It had nothing to do with being home sick. Nope. I was just uncomfortable and enjoyed cool temperatures. But, the disdain for warm temperatures and my propensity to sweat did not start there. No no my friend. Apparently I was a sweaty mess as a baby. Yep, my dad lovingly called me his “Little Sweat Ball,” and still does today if I am near him on a hot day (because I am most definitely sweating.)Every girl's dream, huh, to be known by her father for her over active exocrine system (to boot I have overactive sebaceous glands too…hot I know…don’t worry…I shower daily).

Anyway, all of that to say, I don't like being hot. I never have. As a baby, my body did all it could to fight off the heat (see: crying and sweating like crazy), and today I fight the heat pretty much the same way...just add in some laziness and sleep. Yep, I am pretty much the opposite of a bear. I want to hibernate in the summer and go wild in the winter.

Really, back on topic this time...I haven't gotten shit done since getting laid off and it is the summer's damn fault. Every time I even think of going outside to do something productive I remember how hot it is and how cold my apartment is and I think of some reason why I need to stay in. And P.S. these reason are never good. So, I am waiting for the leaves to begin falling because momma needs to be productive and make some money and nothing is getting done if the temperatures are anywhere near 80 degrees.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The deep end

I recently had a conversation with someone I didn't know very well. In the process of getting to know one another we shared the regular get to know you information: where we were from, where we've lived, number of siblings, etc. It is always an interesting conversation to moving history. Inevitably the person with whom I am talking says, "oh, were your parents in the military?" This question is not too far off base, as I do share that I went to eight schools between kindergarten and twelfth grade. (as a side note, why did I have to type twelfth four times and squint my eyes as I tried to remember how to spell it?)

Anyway, I moved a lot. Oh, and my parents were not in the military. I usually laugh and respond, "Nope. They were just crazy." I laugh and they laugh and we change the subject or I make it sound much more light hearted.

During this particular conversation...the one I referenced at the beginning of this post...I was noting my jealousy because this particular person had remained friends with most of his high school clique. I said that I didn't have that. I don't. I've moved a lot. What I explained was that I got use to it. I was use to moving. It became an inevitable reality of my life. We moved. It is what my family did. I said that I learned how to miss people, but that I was terrible at keeping in touch. He gave me an awkward look and asked if it caused me to not really become emotionally invested in relationships with friends or others. I think he was trying to tap into something here because what I failed to mention was that this was a date. But, let's ignore that for a second because this was a really interesting comment and I will not get off on another tangent about how this date resulted in a second which resulted in a Facebook message. (see: previous post)

Back to what I was saying. His comment. Did my family's practice of moving so frequently cause me to not really become emotionally invested in relationships? I had never thought of this before. I mean, I knew I moved a lot and I knew I saw friendships come and go...but, I had never thought about it in these terms.

Did I learn to emotionally distance myself from others to prevent the inevitable heartbreak that would come with leaving them?

Perhaps some people would be offended by this suggestion or become uncomfortable and not know how to respond, but I love reflection and thinking of things in a new light so this previously unasked question intrigued me. I thought for a second and immediately had an answer. The answer was simple yet amazingly complex. No. I am a feeler. I feel everything. I am passionate and emotional and feel the core. There is not usually a middle ground with me. I don't pull away. I don't shrink to protect myself. I lay it out there. My heart is always on my sleeve. So, no. The answer for him was, "No." I explained that the reality was the antithesis of this. I think when I enter relationships I make them very real. Very fast. I know what it is like to leave people. And as I've become and adult, I've learned what it is like to have others leave me. So, I don't distance myself emotionally to ensure some protection. Nope. I make myself very vulnerable. I dive in head first to soak it up. I know things end, but I want to get the most of the time while I have it. I'm not going to waste my time in the shallow end when there is a deep end just waiting for me.

Perhaps this is the reason why my heart is frequently broken. I know I dive in. I hold my breath and jump in...usually with my eyes closed.

It's not all about relationships with guys. It is true that my propensity to go all in has resulted in tears, too many drinks, sleepless nights, and hour long phone calls. But, what it has offered me is amazingly raw and real friendships. Friends that give back. That aren't afraid because I jump in and tell them how much their friendship means to me. I have friends that will give me a hug because they know that is what I need...even when they aren't the hugging type. Or friends that will fly across the country on twenty four hours notice because neither one of us are doing well. I have friends that will drive me home when I can very well walk. And, who will let me win an argument because they know I don't like to lose. I have friends who will leave work to come lay in bed with me when all I want to do is sink away. And, those who will always know that there is no halfway with me.

I am so fortunate to have learned the value of relationships and friendships and to know they are to never be taken for granted or entered in lightly. And I'm glad I was asked because it reminded me of how happy I am diving head first.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


So, there are some things that happen in life that make you pause...look around...and wonder when someone will point to the camera in the office plant or when Allen Funt will appear to reveal that you are on Candid Camera. Seriously, some days I wait and just hope that people are drawing this one out for a while in the vain of comedic timing. People, the dramatic pause should not last hours or days. But, I will laugh when you finally reveal the camera and I will shake my finger exclaiming, "you really got me this time!"

Basically, I think it's important to point out those moments in life when you would rather be on some weird voyeuristic prime time television show with a laugh track then acknowledge that this is your life. In my case, there usually is no laugh track with the exception of the one that comes from friends hours after a stupid moment or experience...when I retell the ridiculousness of it all. Despite my love for oral storytelling, I am going to attempt to retell those moments here. Perhaps they will be told soon after they occur or I may just pull some of the ridiculous from the archives for for the sake of funny.

Hey Emily,
I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think we should continue seeing each other. I know we've only been on two dates, but I feel you deserve an explanation since things seemed to be going so well.

I do like you and I did have fun on both of our dates, I absolutely wasn't lying. However, I've been thinking about the big picture and the fact is I'm just not AT ALL in a place right now where I could start seriously dating you - which is where I saw things heading. I have this fucked up relationship with one of my best friends. I've had feelings for her for a long time.

I just really didn't think it was fair to you to walk you into that potential land mine waiting to explode. Ya know?

Again, really sorry! Believe me, you did nothing wrong and I hope you can find somebody that's good for you right now!


I think the "kids" are sayin' something dumb like FML in response to something like this. I don't really subscribe to all that nonsense that the "kids" are doing. I don't enjoy abbreviations, nor am I a fan of the smiley face emoticon shit. Seriously, if I want to smile at you in an email I am much more likely to say (smiley) than actually type :) I just don't like it. To be fair, I will throw it out there that I may have used the whole :) crap in an email or text before. In my defense, it is usually used with people who don't know about my strong feelings against close friends know I don't like them and are use to my mockery when I type (smiley) in protest.

Anyway, that was a tangent. However, this whole things (see: blog) is a tangent and we play by my rules so I will get off topic all I do you like that? Seriously though...FML or whatever. Really? A facebook message? Some background information: two dates. Get over yourself. With that said, we did have plans for later in the night. Yep, the night the email was sent. And, the plans were initiated by Ben. Oh, and don't worry...his name was not changed to protect his identity. Douchebag can stumble across this blog and find out what I really think. Tell us all how your love for your best friend is workin' out for you. Do you think you are in a 90's teen movie? Cause, I got news for you, you aren't. I'll save you the Blockbuster rental fee...this won't end up with you two deciding you need to go to the same college and make babies and live happily ever after. Nope, it will probably end with you being pretty pathetic and lusting after said best friend who was and will never be interested. Because I've got another news flash for you...if she liked'd be together. Just sayin'. Anyway, the funny part about this situation (aside from the fact that we are not in high school and Facebook is not the appropriate platform for such conversation) is that it was received approximately twenty minutes after I found out I was laid off. Yep, I don't have a job. So, soak it up (I'm talking to you "kids")...this is about the only time you will see me use a stupid chat abbreviation...