The deep end

I recently had a conversation with someone I didn't know very well. In the process of getting to know one another we shared the regular get to know you information: where we were from, where we've lived, number of siblings, etc. It is always an interesting conversation to discuss...my moving history. Inevitably the person with whom I am talking says, "oh, were your parents in the military?" This question is not too far off base, as I do share that I went to eight schools between kindergarten and twelfth grade. (as a side note, why did I have to type twelfth four times and squint my eyes as I tried to remember how to spell it?)

Anyway, I moved a lot. Oh, and my parents were not in the military. I usually laugh and respond, "Nope. They were just crazy." I laugh and they laugh and we change the subject or I make it sound much more light hearted.

During this particular conversation...the one I referenced at the beginning of this post...I was noting my jealousy because this particular person had remained friends with most of his high school clique. I said that I didn't have that. I don't. I've moved a lot. What I explained was that I got use to it. I was use to moving. It became an inevitable reality of my life. We moved. It is what my family did. I said that I learned how to miss people, but that I was terrible at keeping in touch. He gave me an awkward look and asked if it caused me to not really become emotionally invested in relationships with friends or others. I think he was trying to tap into something here because what I failed to mention was that this was a date. But, let's ignore that for a second because this was a really interesting comment and I will not get off on another tangent about how this date resulted in a second which resulted in a Facebook message. (see: previous post)

Back to what I was saying. His comment. Did my family's practice of moving so frequently cause me to not really become emotionally invested in relationships? I had never thought of this before. I mean, I knew I moved a lot and I knew I saw friendships come and go...but, I had never thought about it in these terms.

Did I learn to emotionally distance myself from others to prevent the inevitable heartbreak that would come with leaving them?

Perhaps some people would be offended by this suggestion or become uncomfortable and not know how to respond, but I love reflection and thinking of things in a new light so this previously unasked question intrigued me. I thought for a second and immediately had an answer. The answer was simple yet amazingly complex. No. I am a feeler. I feel everything. I am passionate and emotional and feel things...everything...to the core. There is not usually a middle ground with me. I don't pull away. I don't shrink to protect myself. I lay it out there. My heart is always on my sleeve. So, no. The answer for him was, "No." I explained that the reality was the antithesis of this. I think when I enter relationships I make them very real. Very fast. I know what it is like to leave people. And as I've become and adult, I've learned what it is like to have others leave me. So, I don't distance myself emotionally to ensure some protection. Nope. I make myself very vulnerable. I dive in head first to soak it up. I know things end, but I want to get the most of the time while I have it. I'm not going to waste my time in the shallow end when there is a deep end just waiting for me.

Perhaps this is the reason why my heart is frequently broken. I know I dive in. I hold my breath and jump in...usually with my eyes closed.

It's not all about relationships with guys. It is true that my propensity to go all in has resulted in tears, too many drinks, sleepless nights, and hour long phone calls. But, what it has offered me is amazingly raw and real friendships. Friends that give back. That aren't afraid because I jump in and tell them how much their friendship means to me. I have friends that will give me a hug because they know that is what I need...even when they aren't the hugging type. Or friends that will fly across the country on twenty four hours notice because neither one of us are doing well. I have friends that will drive me home when I can very well walk. And, who will let me win an argument because they know I don't like to lose. I have friends who will leave work to come lay in bed with me when all I want to do is sink away. And, those who will always know that there is no halfway with me.

I am so fortunate to have learned the value of relationships and friendships and to know they are to never be taken for granted or entered in lightly. And I'm glad I was asked because it reminded me of how happy I am diving head first.