Everyone has heard the sayings, "you have to first love yourself before you can truly love anyone else," or "if you don't take care of yourself first you are never going to be able to take care of some one else." They are both the same concept. And, to a degree they really are true. When I was a counselor I use to have this conversation on a daily basis practically. True, I worked at a domestic violence shelter and it was applicable to virtually every one of my clients who had their own self worth torn from their souls by those who abused them. There was a lot of work to be done for them to see their own beauty and value...my job was to walk with them on this journey.
I often used the analogy of riding on an airplane. For those of you who have flown before you've heard the announcement, "if you are traveling with a small child or someone needing assistance, please secure your mask first before assisting others." it is ingrained in society- take care of yourself first and then take care of other people.
Despite my history of spreading this doctrine to clients, (don't tell anyone) but I’m not sure I fully buy into this all the time. There is a time and a place, right? Clearly if a plane loses cabin pressure it behooves me to place my mask on first before passing out in the process of helping someone else. But, sometimes the needs of others outweigh mine. Or sometimes I just want to think about someone else before myself.
I had a client once who was being presented with a scholarship at an awards banquet hosted by the agency I was working for at the time. She didn't know it. She just thought that she was coming along. Coincidentally, I too was up for an award. I had been nominated for the agency's highest honor. I don't remember what it was called at this point. Basically, it was something like staff person of the year. You had to have made significant contributions to the agency and truly embodied the mission statement in all of your work. Most people probably didn't know they were nominated, but my boss told me. She said that she wanted me to know because regardless of whether or not I won she wanted me to know that she held me in this esteem. Quite an honor, to be viewed this way. I will very humbly say that there were some amazing women that worked there who on a daily basis did some phenomenal work- not just in my program, but in the other programs operated by the agency as well.
Anyway, as the ceremony began I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt as if I had opened my mouth they would emerge from my being and enter the space. They were overwhelming. Think American Beauty...the part where the rose petals rush from Mena Suvari's mouth. I had that nervous excitement where you almost lose feeling in your limbs and you can no longer sit still. It was similar to the feeling you got in sixth grade when you would have to get up in front of the class to make a presentation. (Or at least it was the feeling I would get) your heart races and you fear that if it doesn't slow...it may just jump out of your chest or burst. You can almost heart the rhythm of the beating and wonder if others can too because it is that intense. Oh, and don't even think of standing because your legs have no ability to support your weight. Yeah, I was a mess. A ball of nervous anticipation.
This wasn't for me though. When they began to read my clients story she clutched my arms and mouthed, "That’s me." I nodded my head. She sat there and stared at me with tears in her eyes. The room grew silent for a second and all of the air evaporated from the room. Her eyes grew wide as the room then erupted in applause. She shook her head and said, "I can't do it." I held her hand and nodded. She took her first breath and stood to accept the certificate and plaque. Tears streamed down her face and she continued looking over me nodding her head. After some photographs she returned to her seat and took a few deep breaths. She leaned over me and collapsed into my airs and began sobbing repeatedly saying, "Thank you. Thank you for believing in me." I pulled away and told her to look inside the envelope.
The agency president spoke.
My client said, "My hands are shaking so bad. I don't think I can take anymore. Thank you. Thank you."
She began talking about the selfless work of a staff member.
My client said, "I really don't think I can do it. What is it? This is all so much." I knew what the envelope held. I urged her to open it. That it would be okay.
She elaborated further on the work this staff member had done to walk with other as they began to end the cycle of violence in their lives.
My client hugged me and said, "I just want to say thank you. For all of this. Before I even know what is inside." I nodded.
She asked everyone to give a round of applause for Emily who worked at the domestic violence center.
My client opened the envelope and looked inside. She was all I could focus on. I felt so much joy for her. She fell toward me and embraced me sobbing. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Is this real?" I nodded and continued to hug her as long as she needed me to.
She announced the winner's full name. My colleague, Emily, stood and accepted the award.
I didn't really notice. I continued to stand there with my client who had just opened the envelope that held a check for $1000. We sat back down in our seats and she looked into my eyes. "Is this real?" I nodded with tears in my eyes and I took a breath, what felt like my first breath since her name was announced.
I didn't care what was happening around us, who won the agency award, what people thought that we refused to sit down as further awards were given handed out...because she couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. And we both cried.
You see, if there were an oxygen mask that had fallen from the ceiling, I wouldn't have put mine on first. This wasn't about me. Or, perhaps it was. You see, in that moment, I cared much more about her and her excitement. It wasn't about me nominating her or her being my client. No, it was that she was an amazing woman who had done some extraordinary work. She had a strength that I may never have. So, I didn't care about my mask. I didn't want to take care of myself or think of my award or worry about what our donors thought of me for continuing to stand up far beyond my client's "moment." no, I cared about her. And as soon as she sat down and could breathe. I regained feeling in my limbs, my heart slowed down and the noise was not as deafening, the butterflies disappeared...I could breathe.
So, I think the truth is that sometimes the way we take care of ourselves is to take care of other people. It doesn't have to be as polarized as the sayings go. You can truly be taken care of through giving to others.
Or at least, that is what works for me.
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