my to do list...

For those of you wondering, I only did half of everything on my to do list before I left for New Jersey. Half. Of. Everything. That was like the biggest fail ever. I didn't do one thing completely at all...well, besides pack.

I did all of my laundry, but I didn't put it all away. I cleaned my room, but not completely. I washed my sheets but never remade the bed. And my favorite...I washed half the dishes and put the rest in the oven. Yep. I store dirty dishes in the oven. You should think about doing it too.

snuggie

Okay, I'm gonna just give you a little nugget of a story from my 23 hour train trip. You will have to wait for later for a full recap.

Did I wake up with a very intoxicated man snuggling up into my breasts with his arm around my waist? Yes, yes I did.

i'm leaving on a midnight train to georgia...

....okay it is really a 6:30pm train and I am going to New Jersey, but it sounds better saying it that way.

Yep, I can't wait! I am also jazzed about this long train trip. I know. I am crazy. I have two Netflix movies and three books and plan on updating my iPod. Even though, if I am totally honest, I will probably sleep for a good 85% of the 23 hour trip. That's right. I can sleep for a really long time. Deal with it.

Before I leave I need to do laundry, wash probably every dish I own because they all sit dirty in my kitchen, change the sheets on my bed, clean up the mess I have made of my apartment, and pack. Just a few things, ya know? So, what am I doing right now with this long To Do list waiting to be completed? Lounging my my office (i.e. my bed). Have I said before how much I enjoy not working? If not, I heart not working.

spice up your life

I always had pet growing up. There was always some animal or something living in our house. Most of the time it was dogs, but we did have our fair share of fish, turtles, cats, and hamsters.

My younger brother was probably too little to remember the turtles or the hamsters...and he wasn't even alive for the cats. But, he always asked for a pet of his own. You see, we had a dog for the majority of his life. The dog was mine, Alfie. Although he was a "family" dog, he was really my dog. He was given to me for Christmas in seventh grade. He was probably the best present I have ever gotten. I loved him like he was my child.

It wasn't that my brother didn't like Alfie. On the contrary, he loved Alfie. He just wanted something to call his own. So, after much begging my parents gave in and bought him a hamster. I'm not really sure why. We had done the whole hamster thing in the past. It never ends well. Hamsters are kind of boring pets. They don't do much. You lose interest after a while. Its probably a terrible thing to say, but it's just the truth. But, for whatever reason, my parents decided on a hamster for my brother.

My brother went through an interesting stage in late elementary school. He was very into music. I'm sort of at a loss of words for how to describe his musical taste, so I will just share that he named the hamster Baby Spice. That's right, after the Spice Girl.

We quickly learned that Baby Spice was no regular hamster. There was the whole incident a few months after we got her when my mom was very concerned Baby Spice was pregnant because she had a weird "growth." My mom called the vet to describe what the hamster looked like and to have her suspicions confirmed. Turns out my mom was very wrong. Baby Spice was definitely not pregnant...she just had giant balls. That's right, Baby Spice was a boy. She was a he. Even after learning her true sex we never changed his name.

But, the mistaken gender issue aside, Baby Spice was unlike any other pet we had ever owned. (Forgive me in advance because I will probably get the the gender appropriate pronouns mixed up from time to time.) Yes, in addition to being well endowed, Baby Spice had a taste for adventure. He was constantly escaping his little hamster cage. Nothing ever stopped him. At one time he chewed a hole through the side of the plastic hamster cage just to get out. Baby Spice went missing on more occasions than I can even recall. His favorite thing to do was to escape and run through the air vents of our house for a few days. He would usually come out after we would set up food and call him through the vents. But, for the sake of entertainment I will list for you some of the most memorable places Baby Spice was found including the length of time that had elapsed from his escape.

1. In a small trash can, waiting to be emptied, that was sitting on the steps leading to the garage of our house- missing for a couple of days
2. In the bushes in the front yard- missing for about a month
   
3. In the air vent in my bedroom- missing for a couple days
4. In the air vent in our laundry room (lured out by a song my mom made up about Baby Spice...and food)- missing at least a week
5. In the garage- missing for almost two months

Yep, Baby Spice had a taste for adventure. We were sure that last trip was it. After over a month went by we were sure Baby Spice was gone. We cranked up the heat and then the air hoping to flush him out of the air vents if that is where he was hiding. No luck. So, we sort of gave up. With no weird smells we figured Baby Spice found some pack of wild hamsters and was gone for good. Or dead somewhere. It was the middle of summer and it was over 100 degrees almost ever day. How could one little hamster survive all alone? Apparently by taking up residence in your garage and eating through a 40lb. bag of dog food. That's right. I found Baby Spice in our garage really late one night. I wanted to wake everyone up in the whole house because I was so amazed. It was like capturing Big Foot or spotting Loch Ness. Baby Spice was considered to be gone forever and he was back!

Since it was late I left notes on every one's bedroom door saying to check Baby Spice's cage...he had been brought back into captivity.

Turns out captivity didn't suit him very well. He died the next day. You took the whole, "give me liberty or give me death," thing a little too far don't you think, Baby Spice?

Needless to say, we will never get another hamster. You should think about not getting one as well.

to see my dad...

I don't think I ever shared that I am, in fact, going to see my dad for Thanksgiving. I am leaving Thursday evening. And, yes, I am taking the train. It will take me about 23 hours, but I am looking forward to every minute of it. Honestly, I am. Even more exciting is that my brother and sister-in-law decided to come to New Jersey as well for the holiday. While they will not be there nearly as long as me (I'm going to be there for over a week), I am super pumped to see them and get to spend time with them as well.

I won't lie that going to see my family causes me some anxiety. I have all these irrational thoughts and fears about them thinking I am too fat, that I will want to come home as soon as I get there, that for some reason my clothes are going to look really out of place, blah blah blah. Like I said, these fears are all irrational. No, I don't look like a model. I won't blow my family away with how I look, but I bet that the first thing they think when they see me is, "Wow, Emily sure hasn't lost any weight."

But, aside from my slight anxiety, I am really excited. I haven't seen my dad in over a year. I will be honest and say that I have learned how to miss my dad. I mean, it is not in the cold hearted way that it may sound. It is just that we moved away from my dad when I was nine years old. I have lived in different states than him for pretty much two thirds of my life. You learn how not to constantly miss someone. One main reason is that it is hard to miss thing about people that you don't know. You don't miss the little things about them because you never got to learn them.

I love my dad a lot though. And, I have not doubt that he loves me. I won't say our relationship is without complication. Clearly there will be some complication when you grow up removed from a parent. But, I don't think I have some weird daddy issues. I've had therapists who have tried to get me to admit I have daddy issues...that I have some great hurt over my relationship or at times lack of relationship with my father. I don't. But, protesting and saying how much I really don't have any issues with my dad only makes them think that I must have some underlying problem. I get it. I use to make that same mistake with clients before. You ask them something and they adamantly protest...it's like the old "thoust dost protest too much" argument. Problem with that is that sometimes it is honest. Sometimes things are as people say. But anyway, now that I have gone on for a while about how I don't have some pent up daddy issue and probably thoroughly convinced you that I do...I will say a few things. While my relationship with my dad is at times complicated, its complications pale in comparison to those I have with my mother. My dad has been nothing but supportive of me in my life and makes a point to tell me that he supports whatever it is that I want or need to do. Whenever I think of taking a leap of faith, he is always the first person to tell me he believes in me. He may not always say he will pick me up if I fall, but I have no doubt that he would. He says he will and does put my brother and I before anyone else in his life. He tells me how it broke his heart when we moved away. He always says I love you. And, I always believe him.

The last one...is hard for me. To be loved and truly believe it...for me is rare. There are few people in this world who I can say that I don't question. It's a flaw. It is something I hope to overcome, but in the mean time I am glad my dad sits in the small camp of people I can trust when they say those three words. So, I guess it doesn't matter that he doesn't know the names of all my friends. That he probably couldn't tell you my favorite TV show. That he doesn't know what I eat for breakfast (or that I really only eat it after 10am). That he doesn't know my bad habits. That he rarely ever saw a report card. That he doesn't know my favorite restaurant or what kind of wine I would order. He can't tell my mood just from a hello on the phone. But, he loves me, which is bigger than any of the small details.

And, I'm excited to see him.

hey!

Wow, it has been a long time since I last updated. I was on a pretty good roll there updating frequently and pow...dropped off the face of the blogosphere. I didn't slip into a coma, get hit by a bus, or any other terrible thing that you may have been imagining. I'm sorry to have kept you up all night worrying where I was. I've been safe and sound all this time. I do have some catching up to do though.

So let's jump right in. Do you know what I am terrible at? Okay besides updating my blog, apparently. Email. Mother. Effing. Subject. Lines.


I believe myself to be a relatively creative person. Right? But, no. All creativity and wit go out the window when it comes to email subject lines. As does my ability to summarize what it is that I am writing about. I end up putting some bullshit like, "hey," or "hey!" "Hello," works just as well. Oh, and I do throw out the "so..." quite often. I mean, read the fucking email. Get over what I put in the subject line. I've never been known for my ability to wrap things up quickly. There is no "long story short" with me. It is always more like, "short story long." So how on earth am I supposed to summarize a whole email in a few quick words? I am lost on this one. I get that it is email etiquette and all, but can Emily Post or who ever is in charge of the interweb etiquette world throw me a bone on this one and accept a "hey?"

life on wire

There is a rush that comes along with stepping out into the unknown. It is a combination of excitement, anticipation, nervousness, terror, and overwhelming joy. Funny how one act can bring about so many emotions. The door to each one is open and you somehow walk through them all simultaneously. Close your eyes and walk in. It is perhaps the only way to do it. Walking out on faith. With your eyes closed and your heart open. Open to the experience. Living in the moment. There is a deafening silence and you can hear everything around you. It is the juxtaposition of all that is in the world. Past and present intersect.

What a wonderful feeling. And, what if we approached everyday this way? Perhaps not as dramatic or intense, but if we truly seized each day, each second and never looked back. That would make for true significance.

I watched the movie Man on Wire the other day. Let me tell you that it was amazing. There are no words to describe. I was simply in awe.

The movie tells the story of Philippe Petit's high-wire walk between the towers of the World Trade Center in 1974. For over six years Petit and his friends planned his walk. Planning began before construction of the towers was even complete. Petit spoke of being mesmerized by the towers. Infatuated. They were his destiny. And, in August of 1974 Petit walked his destiny for almost an hour. Making eight trips back and forth 1,350 feet above the ground.

To me it's really so simple that life should be lived on the edge of life. You have to exercise rebellion. To refuse to taper yourself to rules. To refuse your own success. To refuse to repeat yourself. To see every day, every year, every idea as a true challenge. And then, you are going to live your life on the tightrope.
-Philippe Petit

If I can live my life with his passion. His intensity. His purpose. Well, I can think of nothing better.

old chapters

I've written before about privacy and how it has evolved in our lifetime. I don't know my neighbors' names. I never even met them. I mean, clearly if I had met them I would have an answer to what was up with all the vomiting that happens next door. But, alas, I've never met nor do I know anything about them. Not one thing. Well, besides all the vomiting. What I do know are the stories of people I've never met before. I knew when Georgina found out she was pregnant with a girl. I knew when David decided to return to life as a manwhore. I knew when Lilu's B peed on the cat. I knew when Lexa was called a glorified secretary. And, I know a lot more...about a lot of other people....people I've never met before. All compliments of our friend the interweb.

Problem is, I also know a lot about people I have met. I know stuff I never wanted to know. And, it was a couple of weeks ago that the book of faces let me down again by allowing me to find out information I never needed to know.


I'm not quite sure why it bothered me so much. But, as soon as I saw it I immediately shut the laptop. Apparently shutting the laptop would make it go away. I looked around as if to find out if anyone else saw what I saw. Why book of faces? Why? Why did you allow this to pop up on my news feed?

I had never been in a relationship like the one I was in with him. I hated and loved him with more intensity then anyone I had ever met before. I believe the feeling was mutual. We were too young and too intense. We fought. We saw each other way too often. We probably made each other miserable. And, we couldn't get enough of each other. I remember one night we were in a bar and his friend turned to me and said, "He really does love you. I don't know what he would do without you. He seriously loves you more then you know." The funny thing was that we were celebrating my new job. My new job in another city. The new job I looked for, in another city, to get away from him. He was toxic for me.

It was the intensity that I loved though. It was the intensity that caused this seemingly short lived romance to live way beyond its shelf life.

He use to say we were going to be together forever. He would talk about our children and the kind of mother I would be to them. He told me he loved me and never wanted to be without me. He said he was more in love with me each morning when he woke up next to me...on account of my messy hair and snuggly nature. He drank more then any person I knew. He lied when I confronted him about cheating on me. He never introduced me to his mother. He turned away from me when I cried. And, he left when he promised he would be in the waiting room when I got out.

He cemented my fears that people would turn away from me. He made my suspicions reality. He made me feel more unlovable than I thought possible.

It was years ago. And, I wasn't perfect. I didn't deserve to be treated as I was, but I didn't treat myself well either. I kept returning. I went back for more. I forgave and pretended to forget. I looked the other way and only discussed my concerns for him in anger. He was young. He was hurting his body in ways I didn't even allow myself to acknowledge. His choices were clouded by abuse that he put his body through. It wasn't a free pass. He should not receive a pardon for it, but I should have rested my case and given in. I should have stopped looking for love from someone who couldn't even treat themselves well.

The announcement of his marriage made me sad. Sad that I allowed myself to be hurt so badly by someone. Sad that he didn't want to treat me better. Sad that I believed the untruths I told myself in response to his behavior. Sad that I couldn't "win" by appearing to come out on top.

The sadness faded though. I reminded myself we were young. He hurt me, but I don't believe it was intentional. We didn't know how to treat each other. And, I probably hurt him as well. He wasn't a terrible person. He was funny. He was loyal. And, he could be incredibly loving when he wanted to be. It wasn't me. We just didn't work. And, we were kids. We needed to grow up. Move away. Make more mistakes. And learn to love ourselves.

So, I sent him a message. I told him that he looked really happy and I congratulated him. He didn't respond and I think I am okay with that. In the past I would have been crushed by his lack of response. I had and still have this strong desire to be on good terms with him. He once occupied space in my heart and a piece of him will always remain a tenant. But, relationships don't get their loose ends tied up nicely. The frayed ends linger until you can accept them and understand why the end is much harder to define then the beginning. An email would not have given me closure because what I realized was that I found it long ago. He will always hold a place in my life story, but I am chapters beyond what we were. I got closure long ago. I was just reminded that it comes in your heart and not an email or a moment in time.

The other plus about having closure is that today I can totally laugh when I retell the story about how he peed in my bed. And how I told the dry cleaner that the dog peed on my down comforter because I didn't quite know how to say, "my boyfriend peed on this" and look her in the eye. Let's hope he has learned to keep his drinking bladder under control or that he and his new wife registered for a plastic mattress protector. Bitchy much? Yes, yes I am.

I had an awesome weekend. I decided to forgo the Halloween public debauchery this year and had a spooky sleep over with my boys. We watched scary movies, ate pizza, drank wine, and did a little yelling at the TV. I was a total scary movie virgin, so they took the liberty of popping my horror flick cherry. Too much? Never.

We watch three scary movies back to back. I rather enjoyed myself minus the bad dreams I had that night. I kept waking up expecting to see that Freddy had slashed my PJ's or something. Good news is that that never happened.


The next day we got coffee, walked around, and then grabbed lunch. We capped the day off with a two or three hour discussion about the future of our world. In the end we decided we needed to move close to the border of Canada just in case shit starts to go down in America. It's basically a flawless plan.

I leave you with the funniest quote of the weekend. (Knowing that I don't work is key to getting the funny.)

Alex: I love lazy Sundays.

Me: Me too...oh wait....

Everyone turned around and glared at me. They act like I make them work.